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Archives - 12/8/02


My dear disturbed readers,

I know it's been quite a while since I've answered your questions, but I've learned my lesson. And I'd like to share that lesson with all of you. Don't keep a jug of paint thinner in your liquor cabinet.

That being said, now I am enjoying the wonderful winter weather by sleeping inside the moist carcass of a giant moose. Sure, the odor is noxious enough to make Anna Nicole put her fork down for a bit, but at least I can rest assured that I won't die of frostbite. And don't go asking me why I don't have a heating system damnit. When you're on a limited budget like mine, you have to spend what little money you have on beverages and pills that can numb the pain. I'd like to imagine that the few patients out here in the swamp pay me with cash, rather than with threats of, "ficks muh cuhzin's achy back, or I's gonna set yoo on fire."

Yes, I'd like to imagine that.

But enough about my wonderful life, it's time for me to respond to some of mankind's most brilliant representatives...

Hey my name is tommy and my dady is always making me do stuff like put his privates in my mouth and then he fondels my bum.... how do i stop my dady i am really starting to hurt. please help

Dear Tommy,
Next time your "dady" puts his privates in your mouth just remember this one simple tip from good ol' Dr. Bactine: BITE DOWN. Afterwards, hand the privates back to him and say, "Since you were too lazy to practice Yoga so that you could put your privates in your own mouth, I've simplified the process for you." I guarantee your problems will be solved. And, most importantly, his problems will have just begun.

For a long time now, I'm not sure how long, I've been getting a lot of gas in the evening and it seems to last sometimes until morning. Sometimes I get cramps, other times I can just feel the gas moving around. Often during the day I'll hear my stomach growling even though I'm not hungry, or after I just ate. In the evening i also look bloated because of the gas. I also find myself burping a lot during the day. I don't know what's wrong. Do you have any advice for me?

My advice is for you to get used to living single.

hey doc
i'm fat. and i mean FAT. i eat at Burger King all the time and spend all of my days sitting or sleeping. i want to change my life - i want to be like people who are not fat. what should i do?

Continue on with your eating habits! You have quite an advantage over thin people and I bet you never even realized it. By becoming fat, you have in fact prepared yourself for the winter. When that big blizzard that I've been predicting for the last 50 years finally hits, you'll have so much stored body fat that you'll be able to live off of it for another 30 years. You think them skinny peoples will be able to do the same? I'd give 'em 2 days tops. Then you can eat them as well. So the next time somebody calls you fat, simply say "No, I'm just prepared."

Dear Dr. Bactine,
I live in the backwoods, and i eat a lot of rabbit and squirrel. My nutritionist said that I may get some kind of disease called "rabies." Should I change my diet?
-Mae B. A. Hick

By now, it's the rabbits and the squirrels that should be afraid, because chances are it's you that's spreading the rabies, not them. So I say, eat whatever the hell you like, you've only got a few days left anyway. Or, you could try one of them new "herbal remedies" where you shove some tree bark into your colon, but I haven't found any medical benefits from doing so. The intense sexual pleasure, however, now that's another story...

I seem to be addicted to tattoos doc... no matter what I do I can't stop from getting more ink. What do I do !!
-Christina, The Tattooed Lady

Just empty a whole bunch of them Bic pens into a giant vat and soak your entire body in it for 24 hours. After that, your entire body will be "inked" and you'll no longer have the urge to get more tattoos. From there, you can move onto more worthy causes. May I suggest euthanasia?

why do i got little blisters on my hands

How the hell should I know? Maybe you've "waxed" your "board" a few too many times. Maybe you've "sanded" your "deck" here and there. Maybe you've "grated" your "cheese" on occasion. Maybe you've "gripped" your "wheel" too much. Maybe you've "swung" your "bat" excessively. Maybe you've "emailed" the "wrong person" who is "sick" and "tired" of receiving "asinine questions" from "people" who need "nothing more" than a "bullet" placed oh so "delicately" inside their "skulls".

Whenever i sleep i have to close my eyes why is this?
-Mike Thunder

Mike Thunder eh? Boy, that name's right up there with "Max Power". Anyway, the reason you have to close your eyes when you sleep is so that you can pretend that your fancy name landed you a better job than "sewage taste inspector".

Doc: I had awakened one morning, and to my surprise, I found a fetus growing out of my left arm. I screamed and shouted for about 3.4 seconds until it started to scream back: "KILL THE MESSIAH!!" I rammed myself against the wall hoping to kill it. It survived, and as I speak it is shouting: "JESUS HAD A VAGINA!!" Well?

I suggest you take an anatomy class, because you obviously don't know the difference between your left arm and your vagina. Unless of course, you're one of them hush-hush secret government genetic experiments I read about where they try to grow babies out of your arms. If that's the case, keep off my property. Actually, keep off my property either way.

My wife is 67 years old. Generally she is healthy, but in her check up she was told that she has low white blood cell count, with 3.9 X 10-3/ul, but last year she got 4.1 X 10-3/ul. I would like to know if that has any effect to her health. Thanks.
-Yong-he Zhang

What are them fancy numbers you got there? I haven't seen numbers like them since my last B.A.C. test. Tell your wife to let you drive next time.

how can i get girls

Now, considering your obvious lack of education, I know a medical advice page might seem like the right place to ask relationship advice. However, I assure you that it is not the right place. Furthermore, you can't get any girls and if I had any helpful advice on how to do so, I wouldn't be sitting here responding to a caveman.

Everytime I go to the doctor, he insists on doing a prostate exam. I am all for being healthy, but should my dentist be doing this?

Sore in the end

How about you make up your mind about whether he's your doctor or your dentist first. Here's a hint though: if you find some traces of fluoride on your genitalia, chances are he's your dentist... and quite possibly your uncle.

I always have hallucinations Jesus dressed up in a chicken costume trying to feed on my pancreas? What does this mean?
-Horney chicken girl

It means you ate one of them "laced communion wafers" that have been going around.

I have a birthmark that bears more than a passing resemblance to a Ford Escort. Can I have it removed, or possibly serviced, I was thinking maybe perhaps a full body kit, or some furry dice. Or perhaps just a good wax from time to time.

Oh you can get it serviced alright, but it's going to cost you a pretty penny. Why? Because, it's quite obvious that your warranty expired LONG ago.

I like cheese, hot cheese and I melt it in the microwave and eat it but it leaves welts on the roof of my mouth. can I safely eat these too?
-rabid dave

Absolutely, and don't stop with those welts. After you eat a hearty helping of cheese, remove your stomach and you'll find even more cheese in there to dine on. Aged cheese is great, but nothing beats semi-digested cheese.

The hair on my head hurts!!WHY could this be?

I've heard about a few rare cases such as yours where people had actually developed nerve endings in their hair follicles. Some say things like this are a sign of human evolution, but if you ask me, it's just extremely bad luck.

What do you know auto-erotic asphyxiation? Do you know when their next concert is?
-Dil weed

The last concert I attended was 30 years ago and it involved an oversized jug, a washboard, a banjo, and a pack of rabid wolves that overheard the performance. I'm sorry, what was your question?

i have this really bad pain in my butt and the doctor said they found a banana in the x-ray. it hurts to walk or even sit... what should i do about the pain?


My mouth got stuck smiling. What should I do?
-Chessire Cat

Watch any of the sitcoms that are currently on T.V. It's a guaranteed cure for your problem.

Doc- my hamster has only 3 legs. i was wondering if it would be ok it i shoved a toothpick up there to give him a peg leg. or is it just gonna die?

Just remove one of his other legs completely. You walk with just 2 legs, so there's no reason why he can't do the same. Sometimes people, and even hamsters, need a little push to get motivated.

Hi, I'm 12 and I have been reading your site. You have mentioned being a "Necrophiliac". What is this, and why does my mother gasp when I say this?

It's good to see that this old country Doctor even has readers as young as you. In regards to your mother gasping; she's having what we call a "flashback to the wild times of her youth". Don't worry though, I'm sure she'll cover the topic of "necrophilia" with you when she tells you about the "birds & the bees". The two go hand-in-hand.

My hair is falling out. What kind of doctor do I need to see?

See a completely bald one. You'll feel better.

It hurts when I touch here and here. What do you suggest I should do?

Here and here where? Since you don't seem to have the basic understanding that your emails don't actually show me where you are pointing, I suggest you go shove your thumb up "there".

This concludes the latest heap of advice from the good doctor. He'll do his best to return to you in a more timely manner in the future. But remember, just because he removed the large jug of turpentine from the liquor cabinet doesn't mean he removed the liquor from the liquor cabinet, if you catch my drift...

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