Archives - 12/8/02
DECEMBER HAS ARRIVED.
I NO LONGER NEED A FRIDGE TO COOL MY LIQUOR.
My dear disturbed readers,
I know it's been quite a while since I've
answered your questions, but I've learned my
lesson. And I'd like to share that lesson with
all of you. Don't keep a jug of paint thinner in
your liquor cabinet.
That being said, now I am enjoying the wonderful
winter weather by sleeping inside the moist
carcass of a giant moose. Sure, the odor is
noxious enough to make Anna Nicole put her fork
down for a bit, but at least I can rest assured
that I won't die of frostbite. And don't go
asking me why I don't have a heating system
damnit. When you're on a limited budget like
mine, you have to spend what little money you
have on beverages and pills that can numb the
pain. I'd like to imagine that the few patients
out here in the swamp pay me with cash, rather
than with threats of, "ficks muh cuhzin's achy
back, or I's gonna set yoo on fire."
Yes, I'd like to imagine that.
But enough about my wonderful life, it's time
for me to respond to some of mankind's most
Hey my name is tommy and my dady is always
making me do stuff like put his privates in my
mouth and then he fondels my bum.... how do i
stop my dady i am really starting to hurt.
Next time your "dady" puts his privates in your
mouth just remember this one simple tip from
good ol' Dr. Bactine: BITE DOWN. Afterwards,
hand the privates back to him and say, "Since
you were too lazy to practice Yoga so that you
could put your privates in your own mouth, I've
simplified the process for you." I guarantee
your problems will be solved. And, most
importantly, his problems will have just begun.
For a long time now, I'm not sure how long, I've
been getting a lot of gas in the evening and it
seems to last sometimes until morning. Sometimes
I get cramps, other times I can just feel the
gas moving around. Often during the day I'll
hear my stomach growling even though I'm not
hungry, or after I just ate. In the evening i
also look bloated because of the gas. I also
find myself burping a lot during the day. I
don't know what's wrong. Do you have any advice
My advice is for you to get used to living
i'm fat. and i mean FAT. i eat at Burger King
all the time and spend all of my days sitting or
sleeping. i want to change my life - i want to
be like people who are not fat. what should i
Continue on with your eating habits! You have
quite an advantage over thin people and I bet
you never even realized it. By becoming fat, you
have in fact prepared yourself for the winter.
When that big blizzard that I've been predicting
for the last 50 years finally hits, you'll have
so much stored body fat that you'll be able to
live off of it for another 30 years. You think
them skinny peoples will be able to do the same?
I'd give 'em 2 days tops. Then you can eat them
as well. So the next time somebody calls you
fat, simply say "No, I'm just prepared."
Dear Dr. Bactine,
I live in the backwoods, and i eat a lot of
rabbit and squirrel. My nutritionist said that I
may get some kind of disease called "rabies."
Should I change my diet?
-Mae B. A. Hick
By now, it's the rabbits and the squirrels that
should be afraid, because chances are it's you
that's spreading the rabies, not them. So I say,
eat whatever the hell you like, you've only got
a few days left anyway. Or, you could try one of
them new "herbal remedies" where you shove some
tree bark into your colon, but I haven't found
any medical benefits from doing so. The intense
sexual pleasure, however, now that's another
I seem to be addicted to tattoos doc... no
matter what I do I can't stop from getting more
ink. What do I do !!
-Christina, The Tattooed Lady
Just empty a whole bunch of them Bic pens into a
giant vat and soak your entire body in it for 24
hours. After that, your entire body will be
"inked" and you'll no longer have the urge to
get more tattoos. From there, you can move onto
more worthy causes. May I suggest euthanasia?
why do i got little blisters on my hands
How the hell should I know? Maybe you've "waxed"
your "board" a few too many times. Maybe you've
"sanded" your "deck" here and there. Maybe
you've "grated" your "cheese" on occasion. Maybe
you've "gripped" your "wheel" too much. Maybe
you've "swung" your "bat" excessively. Maybe
you've "emailed" the "wrong person" who is
"sick" and "tired" of receiving "asinine
questions" from "people" who need "nothing more"
than a "bullet" placed oh so "delicately" inside
Whenever i sleep i have to close my eyes why is
Mike Thunder eh? Boy, that name's right up there
with "Max Power". Anyway, the reason you have to
close your eyes when you sleep is so that you
can pretend that your fancy name landed you a
better job than "sewage taste inspector".
Doc: I had awakened one morning, and to my
surprise, I found a fetus growing out of my left
arm. I screamed and shouted for about 3.4
seconds until it started to scream back: "KILL
THE MESSIAH!!" I rammed myself against the wall
hoping to kill it. It survived, and as I speak
it is shouting: "JESUS HAD A VAGINA!!" Well?
I suggest you take an anatomy class, because you
obviously don't know the difference between your
left arm and your vagina. Unless of course,
you're one of them hush-hush secret government
genetic experiments I read about where they try
to grow babies out of your arms. If that's the
case, keep off my property. Actually, keep off
my property either way.
wife is 67 years old. Generally she is healthy,
but in her check up she was told that she has
low white blood cell count, with 3.9 X 10-3/ul,
but last year she got 4.1 X 10-3/ul. I would
like to know if that has any effect to her
What are them fancy numbers you got there? I
haven't seen numbers like them since my last
B.A.C. test. Tell your wife to let you drive
how can i get girls
Now, considering your obvious lack of education,
I know a medical advice page might seem like the
right place to ask relationship advice. However,
I assure you that it is not the right place.
Furthermore, you can't get any girls and if I
had any helpful advice on how to do so, I
wouldn't be sitting here responding to a
Everytime I go to the doctor, he insists on
doing a prostate exam. I am all for being
healthy, but should my dentist be doing this?
Sore in the end
How about you make up your mind about whether
he's your doctor or your dentist first. Here's a
hint though: if you find some traces of fluoride
on your genitalia, chances are he's your
dentist... and quite possibly your uncle.
always have hallucinations Jesus dressed up in a
chicken costume trying to feed on my pancreas?
What does this mean?
-Horney chicken girl
It means you ate one of them "laced communion
wafers" that have been going around.
I have a birthmark that bears more than a
passing resemblance to a Ford Escort. Can I have
it removed, or possibly serviced, I was thinking
maybe perhaps a full body kit, or some furry
dice. Or perhaps just a good wax from time to
Oh you can get it serviced alright, but it's
going to cost you a pretty penny. Why? Because,
it's quite obvious that your warranty expired
I like cheese, hot cheese and I melt it in the
microwave and eat it but it leaves welts on the
roof of my mouth. can I safely eat these too?
Absolutely, and don't stop with those welts.
After you eat a hearty helping of cheese, remove
your stomach and you'll find even more cheese in
there to dine on. Aged cheese is great, but
nothing beats semi-digested cheese.
The hair on my head hurts!!WHY could this be?
I've heard about a few rare cases such as yours
where people had actually developed nerve
endings in their hair follicles. Some say things
like this are a sign of human evolution, but if
you ask me, it's just extremely bad luck.
What do you know auto-erotic asphyxiation? Do
you know when their next concert is?
The last concert I attended was 30 years ago and
it involved an oversized jug, a washboard, a
banjo, and a pack of rabid wolves that overheard
the performance. I'm sorry, what was your
i have this really bad pain in my butt and the
doctor said they found a banana in the x-ray. it
hurts to walk or even sit... what should i do
about the pain?
Two words: CHIQUITA LAWSUIT.
mouth got stuck smiling. What should I do?
Watch any of the sitcoms that are currently on
T.V. It's a guaranteed cure for your problem.
Doc- my hamster has only 3 legs. i was wondering
if it would be ok it i shoved a toothpick up
there to give him a peg leg. or is it just gonna
Just remove one of his other legs completely.
You walk with just 2 legs, so there's no reason
why he can't do the same. Sometimes people, and
even hamsters, need a little push to get
Hi, I'm 12 and I have been reading your site.
You have mentioned being a "Necrophiliac". What
is this, and why does my mother gasp when I say
It's good to see that this old country Doctor
even has readers as young as you. In regards to
your mother gasping; she's having what we call a
"flashback to the wild times of her youth".
Don't worry though, I'm sure she'll cover the
topic of "necrophilia" with you when she tells
you about the "birds & the bees". The two go
hair is falling out. What kind of doctor do I
need to see?
See a completely bald one. You'll feel better.
It hurts when I touch here and here. What do you
suggest I should do?
Here and here where? Since you don't seem to
have the basic understanding that your emails
don't actually show me where you are pointing, I
suggest you go shove your thumb up "there".
This concludes the latest heap of advice from
the good doctor. He'll do his best to return to
you in a more timely manner in the future. But
remember, just because he removed the large jug
of turpentine from the liquor cabinet doesn't
mean he removed the liquor from the liquor
cabinet, if you catch my drift...