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Archives - 4/8/02

April Showers Bring May Walking Pneumonia

Well, Itís been a while since I last checked in with Yíall, at least I surmise it has as Iíve never seen this Tattoo and there arenít any scabs around it, plus which my head does not hurt so badly as one might think it would. I had the usual batch of letters waiting for me and was able to discard more than two thirds, those being the ones asking about Poo-poo and Kaa-kaa and why theyíre thingy was constantly hurting them, full of phrases like ĎJerkin my Gerkiní and ĎBoobies muncherí. Honestly, why any of you are allowed near a computer is beyond me, itís like leaving an insane child alone in a rug store with several open buckets of house paint. I want to stress, these are real letters, bad spelling included, and the cream of the crop at that. Youíve no one to blame but yourselves, and me.

I have red skin, horns and a weird tail? Are these symptoms of any chronic diseases?

No, they are symptoms of a poorly developed sense of humor. A sharp kick in the pituitary gland has been known to work wonders, if not for you at least for me. Satan. Oh, ha, ha, ha.

Why does too much pizza give me gas?

Anyone would get gas from the amount of Pizza you eat, R.F. For Godís sake skip breakfast every now an then, unless you like the idea of having to butter the door of your doublewide next time you want to go rent a naughty video.

i have a problem where i'm unconsiecne at night and wake up in the morning not knowing anything that happend the next day then i have a terrible pain in my stomach and i can only put things in my mouth and swallow hoping the pain goes away what seems to be the problem.

Many people suffer the problem youíve encountered, most of them silently, which I strongly recommend. Its called life, for which there are many excellent cures. You could stop eating, or have a friend hold your head underwater for a half-hour or so. You may experience a strong compulsion to write me again, but this unpleasant side effect should be ignored and will pass quickly.

My Siberian Husky dog has big black things growing all over him that look like blood-engorged ticks, but they aren't. What could these be? And why can't George Bush pronounce 'nuclear' correctly??

Iím not your damn vet. Call me when you have Ďbig black thingsí growing on you. And our President suffers from that condition where at birth only the lining of the brain is present in the skull. I canít recall the name, but Iím sure itís in one of my books somewhere.

I have terrible nightmares about being hung on a cross and i wake up with my hands and feet bleeding. Whats wrong with me!

Iím going to assume your name is pronounced as ĎHay-Soos.í If Iím correct, your problem is you are a minority.

are you gay?

Are you asking me out?

I'm sick and tired being dressed up like a clown, all the kids want to do is pull on my baggy pants and try to pull of my red nose. Frankly I'm sick and tired of dealing with these little bastards. What can I do doc?
-Ronald Mcdonald

Sometimes what initially feels like a physical complaint turns out to be primarily psychological. Iím going to recommend a career change. Why not try writing pointless letters you think are funny and see how much that pays, you damn clown?

Why do i have an affro ???
-Nurse Nightengale

Nurse Nightengale;
What am I, a philosophy PHD? Why do any of us have affroís? Unless you are holding a fork in an electrical socket, in which case stop.

How can a guy like me get laid? Is there a cure?
Glann Thomas

What kind of a guy are you, Glann? Good looking? Rich? Charming? No? Start saving your pennies, thatís my advice. They seem like useless change, but in fifteen or sixteen years they can add up to a swell evening and scabies.

Who is Dr. Sbaitso, how did he find his way into that ancient computer, and why does every conversation I ever have with him only exacerbate whatever problem i came to him with?
-Ned Normal

Who do you think Dr. Shaitso is, Ned? Itís interesting you think he find his way into that ancient computer. Could you elaborate on that? Why do you feel every conversation You ever have with him only exacerbate whatever problem you came to him with?

why is it that everytime i laugh, i snort milk out of my nose? and it always happens when i read your comlumn.

Iíve got good news and bad news. The bad news is youíre a cow and thatís not your nose. The good news is, you are a cow that can read.

Constant stomach pains.
-Stephen Bognaski

Could you phrase that as a question? Iím kidding. Try telling a long shoreman you think he has a pretty mouth. Thatís usually good for stomach pains one way or the other.

How Freakin' long does it take you guys to update your Goddamned website?!? We want more, Damnit!!!
-Annoying bad mouth Jerk

With a little Thorazine, an anger management class, a couple of hobbies and a girl friend youíre going to be fine. Anyway, thatís what Iíll tell you. Iíll tell your insurance company the truth.

is it bad to have sex before you get married and hiw do u know when you love someone
-Shaina Ryan

First, Iíd need to know what your having sex with. Then Iíll be able to tell you when and if youíll know youíre in love.

I have a steady diet of those malted milk balls with the chocolate melted off and soaked overnight in chiken blood, is this a healthy diet?

Thereís two schools of thought about that, but theyíre both no.

How come all of these giant crawdads keep chaising whenever I walk home from the bar? My girl says she'll leave me if this keeps happening.
-Dad Craw

Wise up, Dad! This only happens when you come home from the bar? Your girl is not complaining about any damn Ďgiant crawdadsí! There are no Ďgiant crawdadsí. They are Dwarf Lobsters.

Man or Chicken Dumpling?

I donít have an answer to this, but its the only question I got that I like.

Hi again, my girlfriends dog also has the same skin problem with her dog which is just a mut and mine is a female Akita. I actually have two female akitas' but only one has this condition. Please lead me in the right direction, if you don't have any solutions. Who else can I contact? Thanks very much!

Again, Iím not a damn Vet! I donít know what the hell gave you people, and I use the term loosely, the idea that this was a medical advice column for your damn dogs! I donít give a little tin crap what happens to your damn dog!

My dog (shitzu/poodle) tells me to tie people up in my basement, the only problem is my house is built on a slab. what should i do?

Tell your VET to snip your damn dogís vocal cords, or have the damn thing destroyed! Who the hell wants a dog that talks that kind of crap anyway? Damn!

Is the use of Bactine safe for dogs that just had a wart removed? The stitches are still in. The itchness is driving the animal crazy. So is it safe?
-Kristi Gilbert

Kristi, Kristi, Kristi. I canít answer your question, because Iím not a Veteranarian. Iíll make a house call though, and when Iím through youíll need medical advice and a skilled surgeon to remove your dog from where I intend to leave it.

Where do the blisters come from?

When a Daddy and Mommy Blister love each other very much, the daddy Blister puts his ĎStorkí in the Mommy Blisterís ĎCabbage Patchí. Then, if the Mommy Blister has been lying all along about how much she loves the Daddy Blister and where she is when heís on ĎBusiness tripsí, the Daddy Blister gets lots and lots of little blisters. All over. Does the Judge Blister care? Not in my home state.

can you give me info on becoming a vetranarian!

Damn you.

I was wondering how do you cure an arrogant, stubborn person? and how do get rid of a compulsive paranoid neighboor??

Arrogant, stupid people can be cured by waiting months to respond to their email. At least thatís what your compulsive paranoid neighbor told me about a hundred times.

Where are my car keys?
-El Kabong

On your dresser under your copy of "How to Write Stupid Emails to the Wrong People."

Yeah a couple of days ago my heart stopped beating and im now dead, is there anything that can be done for this dead condition?

Like many people, you have become mired in the complex issue of actual, physical death versus legal brain death. Physically dead people are excellent company and can be stored easily behind your local crematorium. Brain dead people suck at Parcheesi, but have been known to write an annoying email here and there. Have a friend turn you once a day or so and you may avoid unsightly bed sores while waiting to die of old age.


This is an excellent example of a situation where really itís better to call 911 and put off writing a medical advice column until later. But since you wrote in Early February, Iíll just say best of luck to you or your next of kin, whichever seems most appropriate.

I'm dead, but I still have problems. All these damn people are e-mailing me and asking for advice and they get dumber and dumber every time. In fact, just recently someone asked if I wear boxers or briefs! I'm dead, dammit, my genitals don't get uncomfortable. How can I tell them all to sod off once and for all?
-Old Uncle Jeb

Well, Iíll tell you what not to do which is start a medical advice column. My ĎMail Sackí is stuffed with questions about the genital area and their relative comfort. Iíd always hoped that death would put an end to it and Iíd looked forward to it the way some men dream of a beautiful lady or a great steak. Youíve left me with little to no hope. Thanks.

is it posssible to get raybees from your goldfish?

What are "raybees"? Does your goldfish have some kind of death "ray" that, when shot in your direction, becomes a swarm of killer bees? If that's the case, I'd bring that fish back to the pet shop because you got hosed Scooter.

I poured rubbing alcohol into my anus to see if I could get it drunk.

While I'm sure the world appreciates you sharing this vital information, where the hell is your question? And furthermore, if it's your own anus, why would you need to get it drunk to have your way with it? It's YOUR ANUS. You should be able to control it. If you can't, well then you're shit out of luck (no pun intended).

My computer came with an extra drive bay but I don't have any drive to put in it. Now every time I look at my computer I feel insecure about it. Is there anything I can put in that port?
-Mickey Bloo

While I've heard many horific tales of what some extremely lonely computer geeks have done with an extra open drive bay, I suggest you see the Wizard of Oz. See that Tin Man? He needed a heart. Your computer needs the same. So go find some drunken schlub, cut out his heart, and put it in your extra drive bay. Now your computer, and your life, will finally be complete.


I don't speak Spanish or anything, but I think he's either trying to insult me or sell me a used PiŮata.


Ok, someone please tell me why I'm responding to "questions" like this instead of enjoying an early retirement?

Hi Doc,
Is it true that if you put sunflower seeds in your ear, they'll hatch into space dragons that will obey your every command?

No, not quite. The way to get them to hatch into space dragons is to swallow as many sunflower seeds (shells & all) at once until your windpipe is completely blocked off. You'll start to feel dizzy due to the lack of oxygen, but just wait a little bit longer, they'll be hatching any second now!

Can you rebuild the twin towers?
-New York Dude

Yes. I can do it all by myself. I'm running a little low on cement though. Mind if I borrow some from the huge supply that you have inside your skull?

Can you use massage oil in your car engine?

Well, that all depends. How much is your car engine offering to pay you for a good massage? If it's not paying at least $20.00, I'd tell it to hit the road.

The good doctor wishes that all of you enjoy the warm weather of spring. But please, please, stop running completely naked through his yard. Sure it's warm 'n all, but you're not even attractive, so it's not like he's enjoying the show or anything.

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