Archives - 4/8/02
April Showers Bring May Walking Pneumonia
Well, Itís been a while since I last checked in
with Yíall, at least I surmise it has as Iíve
never seen this Tattoo and there arenít any scabs
around it, plus which my head does not hurt so
badly as one might think it would. I had the usual
batch of letters waiting for me and was able to
discard more than two thirds, those being the ones
asking about Poo-poo and Kaa-kaa and why theyíre
thingy was constantly hurting them, full of
phrases like ĎJerkin my Gerkiní and ĎBoobies
muncherí. Honestly, why any of you are allowed
near a computer is beyond me, itís like leaving an
insane child alone in a rug store with several
open buckets of house paint. I want to stress,
these are real letters, bad spelling included, and
the cream of the crop at that. Youíve no one to
blame but yourselves, and me.
I have red skin, horns and a weird tail? Are
these symptoms of any chronic diseases?
No, they are symptoms of a poorly developed
sense of humor. A sharp kick in the pituitary
gland has been known to work wonders, if not for
you at least for me. Satan. Oh, ha, ha, ha.
Why does too much pizza give me gas?
Anyone would get gas from the amount of Pizza
you eat, R.F. For Godís sake skip breakfast
every now an then, unless you like the idea of
having to butter the door of your doublewide
next time you want to go rent a naughty video.
i have a problem where i'm unconsiecne at night
and wake up in the morning not knowing anything
that happend the next day then i have a terrible
pain in my stomach and i can only put things in
my mouth and swallow hoping the pain goes away
what seems to be the problem.
Many people suffer the problem youíve
encountered, most of them silently, which I
strongly recommend. Its called life, for which
there are many excellent cures. You could stop
eating, or have a friend hold your head
underwater for a half-hour or so. You may
experience a strong compulsion to write me
again, but this unpleasant side effect should be
ignored and will pass quickly.
My Siberian Husky dog has big black things
growing all over him that look like
blood-engorged ticks, but they aren't. What
could these be? And why can't George Bush
pronounce 'nuclear' correctly??
Iím not your damn vet. Call me when you have
Ďbig black thingsí growing on you. And our
President suffers from that condition where at
birth only the lining of the brain is present in
the skull. I canít recall the name, but Iím sure
itís in one of my books somewhere.
I have terrible nightmares about being hung on a
cross and i wake up with my hands and feet
bleeding. Whats wrong with me!
Iím going to assume your name is pronounced as
ĎHay-Soos.í If Iím correct, your problem is you
are a minority.
are you gay?
Are you asking me out?
I'm sick and tired being dressed up like a
clown, all the kids want to do is pull on my
baggy pants and try to pull of my red nose.
Frankly I'm sick and tired of dealing with these
little bastards. What can I do doc?
Sometimes what initially feels like a physical
complaint turns out to be primarily
psychological. Iím going to recommend a career
change. Why not try writing pointless letters
you think are funny and see how much that pays,
you damn clown?
Why do i have an affro ???
What am I, a philosophy PHD? Why do any of us
have affroís? Unless you are holding a fork in
an electrical socket, in which case stop.
How can a guy like me get laid? Is there a cure?
What kind of a guy are you, Glann? Good looking?
Rich? Charming? No? Start saving your pennies,
thatís my advice. They seem like useless change,
but in fifteen or sixteen years they can add up
to a swell evening and scabies.
Who is Dr. Sbaitso, how did he find his way into
that ancient computer, and why does every
conversation I ever have with him only
exacerbate whatever problem i came to him with?
Who do you think Dr. Shaitso is, Ned? Itís
interesting you think he find his way into that
ancient computer. Could you elaborate on that?
Why do you feel every conversation You ever have
with him only exacerbate whatever problem you
came to him with?
why is it that everytime i laugh, i snort milk
out of my nose? and it always happens when i
read your comlumn.
Iíve got good news and bad news. The bad news is
youíre a cow and thatís not your nose. The good
news is, you are a cow that can read.
Constant stomach pains.
Could you phrase that as a question? Iím
kidding. Try telling a long shoreman you think
he has a pretty mouth. Thatís usually good for
stomach pains one way or the other.
How Freakin' long does it take you guys to
update your Goddamned website?!? We want more,
-Annoying bad mouth Jerk
With a little Thorazine, an anger management
class, a couple of hobbies and a girl friend
youíre going to be fine. Anyway, thatís what
Iíll tell you. Iíll tell your insurance company
is it bad to have sex before you get married and
hiw do u know when you love someone
First, Iíd need to know what your having sex
with. Then Iíll be able to tell you when and if
youíll know youíre in love.
have a steady diet of those malted milk balls
with the chocolate melted off and soaked
overnight in chiken blood, is this a healthy
Thereís two schools of thought about that, but
theyíre both no.
How come all of these giant crawdads keep
chaising whenever I walk home from the bar? My
girl says she'll leave me if this keeps
Wise up, Dad! This only happens when you come
home from the bar? Your girl is not complaining
about any damn Ďgiant crawdadsí! There are no
Ďgiant crawdadsí. They are Dwarf Lobsters.
Man or Chicken Dumpling?
I donít have an answer to this, but its the only
question I got that I like.
Hi again, my girlfriends dog also has the same
skin problem with her dog which is just a mut
and mine is a female Akita. I actually have two
female akitas' but only one has this condition.
Please lead me in the right direction, if you
don't have any solutions. Who else can I
contact? Thanks very much!
Again, Iím not a damn Vet! I donít know what the
hell gave you people, and I use the term
loosely, the idea that this was a medical advice
column for your damn dogs! I donít give a little
tin crap what happens to your damn dog!
My dog (shitzu/poodle) tells me to tie people up
in my basement, the only problem is my house is
built on a slab. what should i do?
Tell your VET to snip your damn dogís vocal
cords, or have the damn thing destroyed! Who the
hell wants a dog that talks that kind of crap
the use of Bactine safe for dogs that just had a
wart removed? The stitches are still in. The
itchness is driving the animal crazy. So is it
Kristi, Kristi, Kristi. I canít answer your
question, because Iím not a Veteranarian. Iíll
make a house call though, and when Iím through
youíll need medical advice and a skilled surgeon
to remove your dog from where I intend to leave
Where do the blisters come from?
When a Daddy and Mommy Blister love each other
very much, the daddy Blister puts his ĎStorkí in
the Mommy Blisterís ĎCabbage Patchí. Then, if
the Mommy Blister has been lying all along about
how much she loves the Daddy Blister and where
she is when heís on ĎBusiness tripsí, the Daddy
Blister gets lots and lots of little blisters.
All over. Does the Judge Blister care? Not in my
can you give me info on becoming a vetranarian!
I was wondering how do you cure an arrogant,
stubborn person? and how do get rid of a
compulsive paranoid neighboor??
Arrogant, stupid people can be cured by waiting
months to respond to their email. At least
thatís what your compulsive paranoid neighbor
told me about a hundred times.
Where are my car keys?
On your dresser under your copy of "How to Write
Stupid Emails to the Wrong People."
Yeah a couple of days ago my heart stopped
beating and im now dead, is there anything that
can be done for this dead condition?
Like many people, you have become mired in the
complex issue of actual, physical death versus
legal brain death. Physically dead people are
excellent company and can be stored easily
behind your local crematorium. Brain dead people
suck at Parcheesi, but have been known to write
an annoying email here and there. Have a friend
turn you once a day or so and you may avoid
unsightly bed sores while waiting to die of old
I'M ON FIRE!! AHHH GOD WHY!!!
This is an excellent example of a situation
where really itís better to call 911 and put off
writing a medical advice column until later. But
since you wrote in Early February, Iíll just say
best of luck to you or your next of kin,
whichever seems most appropriate.
I'm dead, but I still have problems. All these
damn people are e-mailing me and asking for
advice and they get dumber and dumber every
time. In fact, just recently someone asked if I
wear boxers or briefs! I'm dead, dammit, my
genitals don't get uncomfortable. How can I tell
them all to sod off once and for all?
-Old Uncle Jeb
Well, Iíll tell you what not to do which is
start a medical advice column. My ĎMail Sackí is
stuffed with questions about the genital area
and their relative comfort. Iíd always hoped
that death would put an end to it and Iíd looked
forward to it the way some men dream of a
beautiful lady or a great steak. Youíve left me
with little to no hope. Thanks.
it posssible to get raybees from your goldfish?
What are "raybees"? Does your goldfish have some
kind of death "ray" that, when shot in your
direction, becomes a swarm of killer bees? If
that's the case, I'd bring that fish back to the
pet shop because you got hosed Scooter.
poured rubbing alcohol into my anus to see if I
could get it drunk.
While I'm sure the world appreciates you sharing
this vital information, where the hell is your
question? And furthermore, if it's your own
anus, why would you need to get it drunk to have
your way with it? It's YOUR ANUS. You should be
able to control it. If you can't, well then
you're shit out of luck (no pun intended).
computer came with an extra drive bay but I
don't have any drive to put in it. Now every
time I look at my computer I feel insecure about
it. Is there anything I can put in that port?
While I've heard many horific tales of what some
extremely lonely computer geeks have done with
an extra open drive bay, I suggest you see the
Wizard of Oz. See that Tin Man? He needed a
heart. Your computer needs the same. So go find
some drunken schlub, cut out his heart, and put
it in your extra drive bay. Now your computer,
and your life, will finally be complete.
I don't speak Spanish or anything, but I think
he's either trying to insult me or sell me a
Ok, someone please tell me why I'm responding to
"questions" like this instead of enjoying an
Is it true that if you put sunflower seeds in
your ear, they'll hatch into space dragons that
will obey your every command?
No, not quite. The way to get them to hatch into
space dragons is to swallow as many sunflower
seeds (shells & all) at once until your windpipe
is completely blocked off. You'll start to feel
dizzy due to the lack of oxygen, but just wait a
little bit longer, they'll be hatching any
Can you rebuild the twin towers?
-New York Dude
Yes. I can do it all by myself. I'm running a
little low on cement though. Mind if I borrow
some from the huge supply that you have inside
Can you use massage oil in your car engine?
Well, that all depends. How much is your car
engine offering to pay you for a good massage?
If it's not paying at least $20.00, I'd tell it
to hit the road.
The good doctor
wishes that all of you enjoy the warm weather of
spring. But please, please, stop running
completely naked through his yard. Sure it's
warm 'n all, but you're not even attractive, so
it's not like he's enjoying the show or