Archives - 5/15/02
MAY, IT’S MAY,
THE MONTH OF GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN
Here in the Swamp it’s Malaria season.
Humidity’s about a thousand twelve percent and
just yesterday I treated guy who appeared to
have Bubonic Plague. By which I mean I treated
him to the sight of me and my twelve gauge on
the front porch. In case you didn’t know,
anything we medical folk call a plague is pretty
damn contagious and I sure as hell didn’t want
him and his grapefruit size buboes reading the
ten year old Readers Digests in my waiting room.
That is one "Adventure in True Life" the Old Doc
could live without just fine, thanks. On the
other hand, had he been a postal employee, a
soldier or even a Good Humor Man, I might have
let him in. Because then I could have written it
up for that ‘Humor in a Uniform’ column which is
often funny as hell. If you’re drunk. Which for
me is anytime after five o’clock. Okay, you
caught me, noon. On with the questions, from
which I catch nothing more than a severe
headache and suicidal depression.
every night, when I sit down on my couch, my
eyes freeze shut, I fall over to one side, and
pass out. Ive videotaped this, and while Im
passed out, I seem to make a loud, engine-like
noise every so often. what is this and how do I
keep it from happening?"
Have a friend Duct Tape you to the wall. If you
have no friends, sit in a full bathtub just
Have you seen my dog?
What am I, Will, your proctologist?
Sometimes at night, while I'm laying in my bed
ravenously knawing on my right pinky in a cold
sweat, I see shadows moving across the room in a
flaming unicorn pizza surprise. Is this normal
or did I take too many vicodins laced with LSD?
You, Ph(o)am, suffer from a syndrome I
unfortunately see more and more of these days.
It’s characterized by a severe lack of
dictionary, a mordantly swollen belief that
you’re funny and a tendency to use dumb ass self
important phrases like ‘Flaming Unicorn
Surprise’. It’s most frequently accompanied by
severe acne, ugliness and intense bouts of
living in your parent’s basement. There’s no
cure, exactly, but it might help if I beat you
with a length of pipe. I know it would help me.
"If you weren't a doctor what would you be? a)
Interior Decorator b) Figure skater c) hair
dresser or d) clothes designer? Just wondering"
you weren’t wasting my time with your inane,
non-medical multiple choice quiz, would you be
a) wasting my time some other, equally annoying
way b) getting Jealous of the other people in
your club who’s Star Trek uniforms aren’t quite
so tight across the belly, thighs and buttocks
c) thinking your massive collection of Sailor
Moon Memorabilia convinces folks your anything
other than a dedicated Sodomite or d) All of the
Well, first off, I'd like to state that the
Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius is not a genius. He
locked me up in a basement and beats me and
steals my ideas and stuff like that. But anyway,
my head is too swollen, from all the beatings.
Is there a cream or pill I can take to make it
so big that it will explode, so I can end my
simple cream or pill will solve your problem,
but if you send your address with your next
email, I believe readers of my column in your
it possible for a professional clown to laugh to
a purely Medical sense? No. If, on the other
hand, that was meant as a metaphor, you’re an
When the Ol' Dirty Bastard dies, should I let
him live in my crib?
GOD; Since this is a Medical advice column, I
can only assume you are trying to tell me you
are a necrophillic adult baby fetishist. Which,
like the aforementioned Bubonic Plague is
nothing I want anywhere near me.
have a little blister in my mouth what appears
to be black in color don't know i got it can you
Okay, Bri, what do you say we have a look at it?
Open your mouth. Wider… wider… All right, now
can you tilt your head back a bit? If you now
have your head back and your mouth open, I’m
going to say your problem is essentially mental
in nature, as I can’t see you through the
computer, I wrote this a month ago, and honestly
you should know I don’t care. If not, send me a
money order and a Polaroid of this ‘little
Blister’ and I’ll buy liquor and throw it out.
will i marry andrea winkler
Who am I, Ruby, Andrea Winkler?
kitten has claws. it claws me, how to i make
that red stuff stop coming out when it digs
those daggars into my flesh?
the ‘red stuff’ is salty and sticky, then a
tourniquet might well do the trick. If this
fluid is thin and full of seeds than in all
likelihood you are a Tomato and I’m not a
farmer. A hammer might prove efficacious if
applied steadily and rapidly, either to the
kitten or you.
latley ive been having halucenations that last
for 1-2minutes where inwhich i see the future of
the world ending in a huge burning fire ball
that oozes up and down like some kind of hot goo.
You are either a paranoid schizophrenic with
catastrophic visual hallucinations and delusions
of grandeur or you need to stop looking at your
lava lamp. A third diagnosis, though unlikely,
exists; that you are a prophet. If this is the
case, than my help won’t do you a lick of good
and you have no incentive to pay my bill, so the
hell with you.
your mom hot?
That depends, are you a necrophilliac? For those
of you keeping score at home, that’s two ‘sex
with the dead’ jokes in one column.
today i developed a sharp pain in my nutsack.
the pain quickly spread to my other nutsack, and
then i fainted. when i woke up, there was a note
from my wife saying "please pick up some milk
and eggs from the market." what's the problem?
Your condition is multifaceted. First, you refer
to your scrotum as a ‘nutsack’. Second, you have
two nutsacks. I think, however, your wife is the
one with the serious medical issues, because who
the hell would marry you if they weren’t insane,
deformed, or both?
Dr.Bactine I've gone through over 12 years in
the best medical schools, but I still don't have
a giant bottle of first aid medicine on it. Why?
-Dr. Y can’t I
I were your professor, you’d have spent most of
those twelve years as practice cadaver by now.
Dr., people keep coming to me asking me
questions: can you save my sick child or can you
make my breasts bigger. What should I do? This
has been going on forever.
Well, I’d tell you to stop playing Dr. but how
can I when we Doctors keep playing God? No,
seriously, that’s just a little trade humor. Are
you the same patient as that GOD fella what
wrote about wanting to put a diaper on the
corpse of some fat rap singer and screw him?
Because if so, I’ve made my third Necrophillia
what is mycoplasma?
Five bucks, same as downtown. Where I’m from
they give you a card and once you’ve had five
mycoplasmas you get a free reach around.
What should I do for my dog whom has gotten in
to Raid-Ant spray, he has vomited all morning
God damn you people and your filthy animal
health care questions. I’m not a Veterinarian,
I’m not an exterminator, how the hell should I
know? If by this afternoon your dog has ‘passed
away’ you can always have Bestial Congress with
its rapidly cooling remains. FOUR!! FOUR
NECROPHILIA JOKES!! And that, Ms. Scott, is a
skin is two sizes too small. Can you recommend a
think, Adam, it is actually your heart that is
two sizes too large. Which is a serious and
almost certainly fatal condition. Of course, if
you die, someone can always… Oh, skip it, a man
my age should not attempt five Necrophillia
jokes in a single column.
how do i perform a tripple cardiovascular bypass
myself? I cant afford a real doctor
The question, Clueless, is more can you afford a
real mortician? For a nominal fee a neighbor of
mine who runs crematorium will toss your carcass
in his back yard.
a haemophiliac. What do i do?
Well, Dizzy, I’m just an old country Doctor and
I may be a bit behind the curve, but I think you
bleed without clotting.
I went out for ice cream and now I'm really
cold. What do i do?
If you have a fireplace, I suggest getting a
nice fire roaring. Once you've done that, hurl
yourself into it.
The bees stang me! They stang me and it hurts!
What the hell does "stang" mean? I'm not sure
what the hell these bees are doing to you, but I
think it might only be commonly practiced in
Heya, how do I fix a flat tire?
Though I'm sure a site called "Doctor Bactine"
attracts thousands of people with car troubles
every single day, you are the first to actually
ask me a question about them. So allow me to
answer you and anyone else that might be have a
car query: I DON'T HAVE 'PEP BOYS' TATTOOED ON
MY FRIGGIN' FOREHEAD! GO TO A MECHANIC YOU
Doc Doc Goose! Haahahaha@#*!
Ok, we have now discovered a new low as far as
living organisms are concerned. Somebody...
ANYBODY, please find this "Goose" and kill it
before it reproduces.
The good doctor would love to say more, but
after seeing the latest droning Star Wars movie,
he's thinking about drinking a bottle of ethyl
alcohol to make the pain go away.