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Archives - 5/15/02


Here in the Swamp it’s Malaria season. Humidity’s about a thousand twelve percent and just yesterday I treated guy who appeared to have Bubonic Plague. By which I mean I treated him to the sight of me and my twelve gauge on the front porch. In case you didn’t know, anything we medical folk call a plague is pretty damn contagious and I sure as hell didn’t want him and his grapefruit size buboes reading the ten year old Readers Digests in my waiting room. That is one "Adventure in True Life" the Old Doc could live without just fine, thanks. On the other hand, had he been a postal employee, a soldier or even a Good Humor Man, I might have let him in. Because then I could have written it up for that ‘Humor in a Uniform’ column which is often funny as hell. If you’re drunk. Which for me is anytime after five o’clock. Okay, you caught me, noon. On with the questions, from which I catch nothing more than a severe headache and suicidal depression.

every night, when I sit down on my couch, my eyes freeze shut, I fall over to one side, and pass out. Ive videotaped this, and while Im passed out, I seem to make a loud, engine-like noise every so often. what is this and how do I keep it from happening?"
-Red Eye.

Red eye;
Have a friend Duct Tape you to the wall. If you have no friends, sit in a full bathtub just before sunset.

Have you seen my dog?

What am I, Will, your proctologist?

Sometimes at night, while I'm laying in my bed ravenously knawing on my right pinky in a cold sweat, I see shadows moving across the room in a flaming unicorn pizza surprise. Is this normal or did I take too many vicodins laced with LSD?

You, Ph(o)am, suffer from a syndrome I unfortunately see more and more of these days. It’s characterized by a severe lack of dictionary, a mordantly swollen belief that you’re funny and a tendency to use dumb ass self important phrases like ‘Flaming Unicorn Surprise’. It’s most frequently accompanied by severe acne, ugliness and intense bouts of living in your parent’s basement. There’s no cure, exactly, but it might help if I beat you with a length of pipe. I know it would help me.

"If you weren't a doctor what would you be? a) Interior Decorator b) Figure skater c) hair dresser or d) clothes designer? Just wondering"

If you weren’t wasting my time with your inane, non-medical multiple choice quiz, would you be a) wasting my time some other, equally annoying way b) getting Jealous of the other people in your club who’s Star Trek uniforms aren’t quite so tight across the belly, thighs and buttocks c) thinking your massive collection of Sailor Moon Memorabilia convinces folks your anything other than a dedicated Sodomite or d) All of the above?

Well, first off, I'd like to state that the Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius is not a genius. He locked me up in a basement and beats me and steals my ideas and stuff like that. But anyway, my head is too swollen, from all the beatings. Is there a cream or pill I can take to make it so big that it will explode, so I can end my miserable life?
-Jimmy Neutron

No simple cream or pill will solve your problem, but if you send your address with your next email, I believe readers of my column in your area will.

Is it possible for a professional clown to laugh to death?

In a purely Medical sense? No. If, on the other hand, that was meant as a metaphor, you’re an asshole.

When the Ol' Dirty Bastard dies, should I let him live in my crib?

GOD; Since this is a Medical advice column, I can only assume you are trying to tell me you are a necrophillic adult baby fetishist. Which, like the aforementioned Bubonic Plague is nothing I want anywhere near me.

I have a little blister in my mouth what appears to be black in color don't know i got it can you help me?

Okay, Bri, what do you say we have a look at it? Open your mouth. Wider… wider… All right, now can you tilt your head back a bit? If you now have your head back and your mouth open, I’m going to say your problem is essentially mental in nature, as I can’t see you through the computer, I wrote this a month ago, and honestly you should know I don’t care. If not, send me a money order and a Polaroid of this ‘little Blister’ and I’ll buy liquor and throw it out.

will i marry andrea winkler
-Ruby Red

Who am I, Ruby, Andrea Winkler?

My kitten has claws. it claws me, how to i make that red stuff stop coming out when it digs those daggars into my flesh?

If the ‘red stuff’ is salty and sticky, then a tourniquet might well do the trick. If this fluid is thin and full of seeds than in all likelihood you are a Tomato and I’m not a farmer. A hammer might prove efficacious if applied steadily and rapidly, either to the kitten or you.

latley ive been having halucenations that last for 1-2minutes where inwhich i see the future of the world ending in a huge burning fire ball that oozes up and down like some kind of hot goo. PLEASE HELP!"

You are either a paranoid schizophrenic with catastrophic visual hallucinations and delusions of grandeur or you need to stop looking at your lava lamp. A third diagnosis, though unlikely, exists; that you are a prophet. If this is the case, than my help won’t do you a lick of good and you have no incentive to pay my bill, so the hell with you.

is your mom hot?

That depends, are you a necrophilliac? For those of you keeping score at home, that’s two ‘sex with the dead’ jokes in one column.

today i developed a sharp pain in my nutsack. the pain quickly spread to my other nutsack, and then i fainted. when i woke up, there was a note from my wife saying "please pick up some milk and eggs from the market." what's the problem?

Your condition is multifaceted. First, you refer to your scrotum as a ‘nutsack’. Second, you have two nutsacks. I think, however, your wife is the one with the serious medical issues, because who the hell would marry you if they weren’t insane, deformed, or both?

Dr.Bactine I've gone through over 12 years in the best medical schools, but I still don't have a giant bottle of first aid medicine on it. Why?
-Dr. Y can’t I

If I were your professor, you’d have spent most of those twelve years as practice cadaver by now.

Dr., people keep coming to me asking me questions: can you save my sick child or can you make my breasts bigger. What should I do? This has been going on forever.

Well, I’d tell you to stop playing Dr. but how can I when we Doctors keep playing God? No, seriously, that’s just a little trade humor. Are you the same patient as that GOD fella what wrote about wanting to put a diaper on the corpse of some fat rap singer and screw him? Because if so, I’ve made my third Necrophillia joke.

what is mycoplasma?

Five bucks, same as downtown. Where I’m from they give you a card and once you’ve had five mycoplasmas you get a free reach around.

What should I do for my dog whom has gotten in to Raid-Ant spray, he has vomited all morning
-Mindy Scott

God damn you people and your filthy animal health care questions. I’m not a Veterinarian, I’m not an exterminator, how the hell should I know? If by this afternoon your dog has ‘passed away’ you can always have Bestial Congress with its rapidly cooling remains. FOUR!! FOUR NECROPHILIA JOKES!! And that, Ms. Scott, is a personal best.

My skin is two sizes too small. Can you recommend a good tailor?
-Adam Nonymous

I think, Adam, it is actually your heart that is two sizes too large. Which is a serious and almost certainly fatal condition. Of course, if you die, someone can always… Oh, skip it, a man my age should not attempt five Necrophillia jokes in a single column.

how do i perform a tripple cardiovascular bypass myself? I cant afford a real doctor

The question, Clueless, is more can you afford a real mortician? For a nominal fee a neighbor of mine who runs crematorium will toss your carcass in his back yard.

Im a haemophiliac. What do i do?

Well, Dizzy, I’m just an old country Doctor and I may be a bit behind the curve, but I think you bleed without clotting.

Hi Doc,
I went out for ice cream and now I'm really cold. What do i do?
-Chilly Willy

If you have a fireplace, I suggest getting a nice fire roaring. Once you've done that, hurl yourself into it.

The bees stang me! They stang me and it hurts! Help!

What the hell does "stang" mean? I'm not sure what the hell these bees are doing to you, but I think it might only be commonly practiced in West Virginia.

Heya, how do I fix a flat tire?

Though I'm sure a site called "Doctor Bactine" attracts thousands of people with car troubles every single day, you are the first to actually ask me a question about them. So allow me to answer you and anyone else that might be have a car query: I DON'T HAVE 'PEP BOYS' TATTOOED ON MY FRIGGIN' FOREHEAD! GO TO A MECHANIC YOU USELESS SCABS!

Doc Doc Goose! Haahahaha@#*!

Ok, we have now discovered a new low as far as living organisms are concerned. Somebody... ANYBODY, please find this "Goose" and kill it before it reproduces.

The good doctor would love to say more, but after seeing the latest droning Star Wars movie, he's thinking about drinking a bottle of ethyl alcohol to make the pain go away.

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