My two year old boy has a biting problem. We’ve tried everything. What do we do? 

-Anonymous

Anonymous,

First, be less damn vague. I’ll assume you mean the child’s been biting other folks and not that he doesn’t know how to bite. To get a handle on a biter, you need some window on why it is toddlers bite, which by the way is normal in a two year old but doesn’t mean I have to like it. Little Eukypha Johnson got such a good grip on me last spring when I yanked my hand away he pretty much came with it, which worked out okay except for the concussion. Lucky he was in a Doctors office. I asked his Mom if she’d been seeing a Pitbull on the side around the time Eukypha was conceived which Mister Johnson found less than amusing. They can find a new GP for all I care, their kids a biter.

A toddler may bite simply for the stimulation. It feels good to them so they think maybe you’ll probably enjoy being on the receiving end. They may be frustrated by their inability to communicate, and an arm full of toddle  choppers sure as hell communicates something. O  maybe your kids got himself a taste for human blood. That’s how it was with the Baptiste’s youngest. Plain evil. If that’s the case you might concider doing what they did and chain him to the floor of your root cellar. That’s not exactly medical advice and DSS tends to frown on chainings, but sometimes the old ways are best.

Biting isn’t the real problem here, it’s who gets bitten. If it’s you or your bosses little girl, that’s bad, but if the ankle in your kids cakehole is attached to some guy in a shiny suit telling you your method of worship is going to land you in the Lake of Fire, is it such a big deal? Be honest, if you could beam the boy mouth first through the phone the next time you get a call about your long distance rates, you’d do it. With a little time, effort, some wires and an old car battery, your toddlers biting can be productively redirected.

If, however, you’re bound and determined to stop the chomping, there are easy ways and hard ways. That mask Hannibal Lecter wore can be purchased on any number of internet sites many of which provide valuable insights into the human condition as a bonus. Jaw wiring is initially costly, but the liquid diet this necessitates more than makes up the difference in your food bill after about six months. If you intend to deal with the problem in a less physically concrete way, make sure you are clear. A toddler is not developmentally equipped to process information and emotions the way you do. They need to know the reason they bite is that they are bad.

As a last resort, remember that the teeth your child is mauling people with like some rouge grizzly at the dump are baby teeth. A qualified dentist can remove them and so can you if you’ve got pliers in your toolkit. The kid will be mollified by having the tooth fairy visit every night for a month, and if by the time their adult teeth grow in they’re still biting, well, I think the Baptiste’s know a fine blacksmith.

Dr. Bactine; My Wife and I are legally separated and one day returning the children I happened to notice in the medicine cabinet about thirty-eight or so almost totally empty Children’s Tylenol bottles. Could this be why my children seem listless, vague, pale, spotty, irritable and pretty much bald? Also, I’ve found I got me a personal rash, but this could be unrelated. 

-Worried in Midland

Worried; Your email brings up more questions than answers. If you’re separated what the hell are you doing pawing through the wife’s medicine cabinet? How does she keep so many bottles in there? How does this leave room for toothpaste, nail clippers, Pepto Bismol, Ammunition, contraceptive foam and other medicine cabinet necessities? Why doesn’t this woman combine what’s left in the bottles into just one bottle, to save room? And finally, why look for exotic explanations when it sounds to me as if your children are not over medicated so much as they're just plain awful? As to the rash, check and see if you’ve got anything foreign and spiky down there. Thistles, loose Triscuits or wads of Velcro are often the culprits in cases like these. Why once the old Doc even found a full grown porcupine down a man’s pants, although this was more in the line of a lifestyle choice as opposed to anything medical. The pants in questions were my own and the rest is none of your damn business.

Dr. Bactine; My three year old boy’s head seems quite a bit larger than usual as well as tight and shiny in the skin department. Also he can’t shut his eyes no more as they stick out beyond the confines of his eyelids. I give him the Vapo Rub most nightly but still he persists and it’s hard for me to get no sleep on account of his constant whining.

-Concerned in Waco

Concerned; The first thing to do is reduce the appearance of swelling which can be quickly accomplished by getting him to move further away from you. One can’t discount the possibility of anephalectic shock but on the other hand it’s possible he’s just really fat. Has he been stung by a bee or consumed large amounts of fried foods for the past several years? Though this may seem obvious, I want to caution you not to press his eyeballs back into his head without firs  putting on latex gloves. You may want to think about getting this kid to a Doctor, but try punishing him first. I’ve found it efficacious in cases like these.

Dr. Bactine;
Should I be worried about East Nile Virus?
-Expecting Welts, Houston-by-the-land-fill.

Expecting; That depends. Have you got East Nile Virus? Seriously, though, the chances of you or your offspring getting run down in the street are a good deal higher than those of contracting East Nile Virus. To that end I’d suggest your family remain in the house all summer. While medical science has yet to cure being crushed by a speeding truck, we have many fine treatments for Agoraphobia, some of which work.

Well, gentle reader, that’s about it for this month. A local radio station is sponsoring a limbo contest and I need to move my towel to the finishing line.

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