My two year old boy has a biting problem. Weíve tried everything.
What do we do?
First, be less damn vague. Iíll assume you mean the childís been
biting other folks and not that he doesnít know how to bite. To get a
handle on a biter, you need some window on why it is toddlers bite,
which by the way is normal in a two year old but doesnít mean I have
to like it. Little Eukypha Johnson got such a good grip on
me last spring when I yanked my hand away he pretty
much came with it, which worked out okay except for
the concussion. Lucky he was in a Doctors office. I
asked his Mom if sheíd been seeing a Pitbull on the side
around the time Eukypha was conceived which Mister
Johnson found less than amusing. They can find a new
GP for all I care, their kids a biter.
A toddler may bite simply for the stimulation. It feels
good to them so they think maybe youíll probably enjoy
being on the receiving end. They may be frustrated by
their inability to communicate, and an arm full of
toddle choppers sure as hell communicates something.
O maybe your kids got himself a taste for human blood.
Thatís how it was with the Baptisteís youngest. Plain
evil. If thatís the case you might concider doing what
they did and chain him to the floor of your root cellar.
Thatís not exactly medical advice and DSS tends to
frown on chainings, but sometimes the old ways are best.
Biting isnít the real problem here, itís who gets bitten. If
itís you or your bosses little girl, thatís bad, but if the
ankle in your kids cakehole is attached to some guy in a
shiny suit telling you your method of worship is going to
land you in the Lake of Fire, is it such a big deal? Be
honest, if you could beam the boy mouth first through
the phone the next time you get a call about your long
distance rates, youíd do it. With a little time, effort,
some wires and an old car battery, your toddlers biting
can be productively redirected.
If, however, youíre bound and determined to stop the
chomping, there are easy ways and hard ways. That
mask Hannibal Lecter wore can be purchased on any
number of internet sites many of which provide valuable
insights into the human condition as a bonus. Jaw wiring
is initially costly, but the liquid diet this necessitates
more than makes up the difference in your food bill after
about six months. If you intend to deal with the problem
in a less physically concrete way, make sure you
are clear. A toddler is not developmentally equipped to
process information and emotions the way you do. They
need to know the reason they bite is that they are bad.
As a last resort, remember that the teeth your child is mauling people
with like some rouge grizzly at the dump are baby teeth. A qualified
dentist can remove them and so can you if youíve got pliers in your
toolkit. The kid will be mollified by having the tooth fairy visit every
night for a month, and if by the time their adult teeth
grow in theyíre still biting, well, I think the Baptisteís
know a fine blacksmith.
Dr. Bactine; My Wife and I are legally separated and one
day returning the children I happened to notice in the
medicine cabinet about thirty-eight or so almost totally
empty Childrenís Tylenol bottles. Could this be why my
children seem listless, vague, pale, spotty, irritable and
pretty much bald? Also, Iíve found I got me a personal
rash, but this could be unrelated.
-Worried in Midland
Worried; Your email brings up more questions than
answers. If youíre separated what the hell are you doing
pawing through the wifeís medicine cabinet? How does
she keep so many bottles in there? How does this leave
room for toothpaste, nail clippers, Pepto Bismol,
Ammunition, contraceptive foam and other medicine
cabinet necessities? Why doesnít this woman combine
whatís left in the bottles into just one bottle, to
save room? And finally, why look for exotic explanations when
it sounds to me as if your children are not over
medicated so much as they're just plain awful? As to the
rash, check and see if youíve got anything foreign and
spiky down there. Thistles, loose Triscuits or wads of
Velcro are often the culprits in cases like these. Why
once the old Doc even found a full grown porcupine
down a manís pants, although this was more in the line
of a lifestyle choice as opposed to anything medical.
The pants in questions were my own and the rest is
none of your damn business.
Dr. Bactine; My three year old boyís head seems quite a
bit larger than usual as well as tight and shiny in the
skin department. Also he canít shut his eyes no more as
they stick out beyond the confines of his eyelids. I give
him the Vapo Rub most nightly but still he persists and
itís hard for me to get no sleep on account of his
-Concerned in Waco
Concerned; The first thing to do is reduce the
appearance of swelling which can be quickly accomplished by getting him to move further away
from you. One canít discount the possibility of anephalectic
shock but on the other hand itís possible heís just really
fat. Has he been stung by a bee or consumed large
amounts of fried foods for the past several years?
Though this may seem obvious, I want to caution you
not to press his eyeballs back into his head without
firs putting on latex gloves. You may want to think about
getting this kid to a Doctor, but try punishing him first.
Iíve found it efficacious in cases like these.
Should I be worried about East Nile Virus?
-Expecting Welts, Houston-by-the-land-fill.
Expecting; That depends. Have you got East Nile Virus?
Seriously, though, the chances of you or your offspring
getting run down in the street are a good deal higher
than those of contracting East Nile Virus. To that end
Iíd suggest your family remain in the house all summer.
While medical science has yet to cure being crushed by
a speeding truck, we have many fine treatments for
Agoraphobia, some of which work.
Well, gentle reader, thatís about it for this month. A
local radio station is sponsoring a limbo contest and I
need to move my towel to the finishing line.