Before getting to the mail, the old Doc wants to say a few words about whatís been in it. Since moving to this spiffy site and making it easy
for you to Email your medical concerns, Iíve noticed an interesting change from the days when Iíd just write my own queries during blackouts and via the
process of automatic writing. It seems a surprising number of the internet enabled view this miracle of modern technology as a convenient way to get up off their collective ass and find a bathroom
wall to scribble their inane, pathologic ramblings on. To date, the vast percentage of incoming Email ha been on the topic of
ka-ka, with people
pee-pee and the condition thereof coming in a distant, but statistically significant second. They donít really constitute medical questions, beyond the obvious
cry for psychological help or in extreme cases, euthanasia. Who knows, maybe itís the heat, but for Godís sake if thatís all you have to write in about
the only Dr. out there who can really help you is named Kevorkian, not Bactine. Of the Dozen or so I received, hereís the only ones meriting response.
All my brothers movies suck. can you help?
Generally I recommend a highly trained specialist for rare Genetic
conditions such as acromegally, hirsuitism and being a Stallone. As far as symptoms go, your brother is obviously a far more severe
case than you as he seems to secrete many more films, a noxious byproduct of this sorry condition. Now, Iím no Siskel and
Ebert, but thatís mostly
because I am neither dead nor morbidly obese. I will say this. Being a Stallone is not a disease, it is a birth defect. As such, the question lies not in a
Ďcureí but in quality of life issues. Your brother doesnít really need a Doctor. He needs a man with a steamroller and the will to use it.
I drank two bottles of robitussin, And I think I am dying, What should I do?
- Kough Syrup Krazy
Iíd say induce vomiting but my guess is you arenít having any problem with this. I started to put in a
call to the Poison Control Center, but then realized it might be a toll call and since you were e-mailing me by the time I got around to responding youíd
almost be certainly dead. So. If youíre reading this, while unpleasant, Robitussin is non toxic. If youíre dead, Iíll need to do an autopsy to be certain of
anything. In conclusion, let me say that Robitussin should not under any circumstances be considered a beverage alcohol. NyQuil on the other hand is lovely, and served chilled is quite complimentary
with Microwave Burritos.
Is it right to buy an Isuzu?
- Mr. Wrong Question Guy
Okay, hereís a few key differences between me and the Car Talk guys. Iím not them. If you buy an Isuzu and it goes down the wrong pipe, write me again.
Is it true you need to wait a half hour after eating before letting your kids go swimming?
-Concerned about cramps
I wish there was a simple answer to this frequently asked question. What you ate is more important than how long you wait after eating. A nice PBJ shouldnít require more time than it takes to consume. On the other hand, if your picnic contains a rotten haunch of beef, Iíd wait until after the kids have had their stomachs pumped before letting them splash about. You might also want to consider other factors, such as the weight of the rocks tied to their ankles. Youíd be surprised to find that while the Red Cross has no recommendations on the subject of eating and swimming, their pretty adamant about not tying heavy things to your kids ankles before throwing them in.
Dr. Bactine, my cousin was
skinny dipping the other week and a leech attached to a not-so-good spot on his
body (ever seen the movie "Stand By Me"?). To make a long story short,
he's had blood in his urine ever since then. Should he get this problem looked
Absolutely not. No
self-respecting doctor is going to want to look at that. Just tell him to drink
a lot of whiskey until he's numb, and then he can "hack off" whatever
the problem area is. Then just apply some gauze pads and in a few days he should
my life I was told that you should treat others
the way you would want them to treat you? Why is
that never made any sense to me. Because I want
everyone to just give me money, but if I had to
give everybody else money too, then I wouldn't
be making any progress now would I? So the
lesson here is: Treat others the OPPOSITE of how
you would want them to treat you.
Now, if you'll excuse the good doctor, his cat just yacked up a large hairball... or a human fetus.
He can't be too sure yet, but he needs to attend to it.