Before getting to the mail, the old Doc wants to say a few words about what’s been in it. Since moving to this spiffy site and making it easy for you to Email your medical concerns, I’ve noticed an interesting change from the days when I’d just write my own queries during blackouts and via the process of automatic writing. It seems a surprising number of the internet enabled view this miracle of modern technology as a convenient way to get up off their collective ass and find a bathroom wall to scribble their inane, pathologic ramblings on. To date, the vast percentage of incoming Email ha  been on the topic of ka-ka, with people pee-pee  and the condition thereof coming in a distant, but statistically significant second. They don’t really constitute medical questions, beyond the obvious cry for psychological help or in extreme cases, euthanasia. Who knows, maybe it’s the heat, but for God’s sake if that’s all you have to write in about the only Dr. out there who can really help you is named Kevorkian, not Bactine. Of the Dozen or so I received, here’s the only ones meriting response.

All my brothers movies suck. can you help?

-Frank Stallone

Generally I recommend a highly trained specialist for rare Genetic conditions such as acromegally, hirsuitism and being a Stallone. As far as symptoms go, your brother is obviously a far more severe case than you as he seems to secrete many more films, a noxious byproduct of this sorry condition. Now, I’m no Siskel and Ebert, but that’s mostly because I am neither dead nor morbidly obese. I will  say this. Being a Stallone is not a disease, it is a birth defect. As such, the question lies not in a ‘cure’ but in quality of life issues. Your brother doesn’t really need a Doctor. He needs a man with a steamroller and the will to use it.

I drank two bottles of robitussin, And I think I am dying, What should I do?

- Kough Syrup Krazy

I’d say induce vomiting but my guess is you aren’t having any problem with this. I started to put in a call to the Poison Control Center, but then realized it might be a toll call and since you were e-mailing me by the time I got around to responding you’d almost be certainly dead. So. If you’re reading this, while unpleasant, Robitussin is non toxic. If you’re dead, I’ll need to do an autopsy to be certain of anything. In conclusion, let me say that Robitussin should not under any circumstances be considered a beverage alcohol. NyQuil on the other hand is lovely, and served chilled is quite complimentary with Microwave Burritos.

Is it right to buy an Isuzu?

- Mr. Wrong Question Guy

Okay, here’s a few key differences between me and the Car Talk guys. I’m not them. If you buy an Isuzu and it goes down the wrong pipe, write me again.

Is it true you need to wait a half hour after eating before letting your kids go swimming?

-Concerned about cramps

I wish there was a simple answer to this frequently asked question. What you ate is more important than how long you wait after eating. A nice PBJ shouldn’t require more time than it takes to consume. On the other hand, if your picnic contains a rotten haunch of beef, I’d wait until after the kids have had their stomachs pumped before letting them splash about. You might also want to consider other factors, such as the weight of the rocks tied to their ankles. You’d be surprised to find that while the Red Cross has no recommendations on the subject of eating and swimming, their pretty adamant about not tying heavy things to your kids ankles before throwing them in.

Dr. Bactine, my cousin was skinny dipping the other week and a leech attached to a not-so-good spot on his body (ever seen the movie "Stand By Me"?). To make a long story short, he's had blood in his urine ever since then. Should he get this problem looked at?

-Creeped in Canada.

Absolutely not. No self-respecting doctor is going to want to look at that. Just tell him to drink a lot of whiskey until he's numb, and then he can "hack off" whatever the problem area is. Then just apply some gauze pads and in a few days he should be fine.

All my life I was told that you should treat others the way you would want them to treat you? Why is this?

Well, that never made any sense to me. Because I want everyone to just give me money, but if I had to give everybody else money too, then I wouldn't be making any progress now would I? So the lesson here is: Treat others the OPPOSITE of how you would want them to treat you.

Now, if you'll excuse the good doctor, his cat just yacked up a large hairball... or a human fetus. He can't be too sure yet, but he needs to attend to it. 

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