My goodness, but youíve all been full of questions lately.
Unfortunately, the good Doctor has been full of gin and thus somewhat
slow in the response department. So if I donít get to all the half-baked
idiocy clogging my in-box, well, Iím sure Iím sorry. If you had a
hangover like mine you wouldnít be writing in the first place. Oh, and
by the way folks, ĎInternetí is not code for ĎI no longer need to
capitalize or spellí So. Here we go.
"My Tummy Hurts"
Thatís not a question, Goober.
"my mom found acetone in my room, and she thinks i was huffing it. Do
you think i should just to show her who's boss?"
This is not a medical question. Iíd suggest you huff a lot of acetone. I
promise youíll have something legitimate to write m about shortly
"ive been shrunk to 12
inches tall by an evil dude...what should I do?"
Buy smaller clothes. If you donít, youíre bound to be naked.
"my ass is huge... any suggestions?"
This depends on how huge it is. Maybe you and Seth could share.
"I have a recurring dream in which I'm having a problem with recurring
dreams! can you help ME?"
Yes. Stop sleeping.
"Whenever I look at an attractive
q woman, my hair suddenly begins to bleed and my skin
truns green. Does it have anything to do with all that
carpet fuzz and baby rats I ate as a kid?"
Iím going to recommend that for at least the next month, you donít look
at any "qwoman", attractive or not. If youíre skin still
" truns" green right me again, but use a spell checker first. As far as your childhood eating
habits go, Iím of Cajun extraction and so believe anything no lethal is
by definition nutritious.
"hi im 14 and evrything annoys me! wat can i do 2 calm myself down and
stop getting so annoyed by such little things?"
J, the Old Doc suffers from a similar complaint, but in my case itís not
everything, itís pretty much just you right now. In particular I find
the use of numbers as words irritating and have phoned your local
CVS. I want you top go down there as soon as you can, stand in front of your
pharmacist and close your eyes. That way youíre less likely to flinch
when he Ďfills your prescriptioní.
"why are there so many ugly people in the world and why do they choose
to mate? How could we get rid of them?"
if you really want to help get rid of them, try
"I tried to use nair.. Why doesn't it work on me? I have been using it
for the pass 4 hours and no hair has come off. Do i have to go back
brushing my hairy legs?"
-Too Many Questions
You need to get a hold of some Nads.
"Soon after I pet my cat my eyes get red and I sneeze a lot - why is this?"
How heavy is this petting? No, but seriously, should a guy who calls
himself ĎBig Ironí be allowed to have a cat?
"Recently, a large number of my limbs have been falling off, and my skin has turned a dark brown. My in-laws, next door, say I have some rare disease and should kill myself, or they will do it for me. What do YOU suggest?"
- Severly worried, considerably underweight, and throughly confused in
Severely (I assume thatís what you meant). Itís your in-laws who are
confused, not you. They donít need to kill you as you re obviously
already dead. Sounds like a Monkeyís Paw type situation to me and youíll
just have to ride it out until someone wishes you into the cornfield.
Until then, stay the hell away from me.
"why do men have nipples?"
Has no one ever rung your nipples?
"Monkeys turn me on... Why is that?"
Itís a difficult thing to diagnose without seeing you in my 0ffice, but
Iím going to go out on a limb and say you are a Monkeyís nightlight, or
perhaps a Monkeyís robot.
can pull out my eyes from their sockets, is this
-Wacked in Wisconsin
it depends on what you do with your eyes when
they're out of the sockets. If you use them to
do push-ups instead of using your arms, then
yes, it's normal. If you use them for any other
purpose, then you might want to get that looked
at (no pun intended).
was drunk and I accidentally used some of that
teeth whitening stuff on my face and now I've
lost all of my skin pigment on my face!
I hear they're doing a sequel to the movie
Powder", you'd be a shoe-in for the part.
Go for it!
think I might have killed JFK but I can't be
sure, can you tell me if I did?"
that's what Miss Cleo is for. Call her now for
your "free tarot card reading!"
was urinating when all of a sudden a Zebra shot
out of my penis. What the hell is up with
well known that Zebra are attracted to urine
streams, he probably crawled up in there while
you were sleeping. It's a good thing you got him
out when you did though, because if he had
stayed in there more than 24 hours, he'd be with
you for life and your skin would start to
develop stripes. And if you didn't already know,
the ladies don't like a man with stripes. HUGE
liked the smell of gasoline so much that I
decided to drink some. Now I think my mother is
trying to kill me and that my dad is really an
apricot. Is this because of the gasoline I
It's well known that drinking gasoline will turn
one's mother into a homicidal maniac and one's
father into an apricot. I have heard reports of
the father being turned into a squash, but that
was only on rare occasions when the person drank
gasoline and a can of WD-40.
good doctor would answer more questions, but he
just noticed a large growth on his leg that
needs some attending. Sure, it might be
something as simple as cancer, but do you know
of any kind of cancer that bites when you poke
it with a stick? Didn't think so...