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Archives - 9/30/01

My goodness, but youíve all been full of questions lately. Unfortunately, the good Doctor has been full of gin and thus somewhat slow in the response department. So if I donít get to all the half-baked idiocy clogging my in-box, well, Iím sure Iím sorry. If you had a hangover like mine you wouldnít be writing in the first place. Oh, and by the way folks, ĎInternetí is not code for ĎI no longer need to capitalize or spellí So. Here we go.

"My Tummy Hurts"

Thatís not a question, Goober.

"my mom found acetone in my room, and she thinks i was huffing it. Do you think i should just to show her who's boss?"
-The Choman

This is not a medical question. Iíd suggest you huff a lot of acetone. I promise youíll have something legitimate to write m about shortly thereafter.

"ive been shrunk to 12 inches tall by an evil dude...what should I do?"

Buy smaller clothes. If you donít, youíre bound to be naked.

"my ass is huge... any suggestions?"
-Jennifer Lopez

This depends on how huge it is. Maybe you and Seth could share.

"I have a recurring dream in which I'm having a problem with recurring dreams! can you help ME?"

Yes. Stop sleeping.

"Whenever I look at an attractive q woman, my hair suddenly begins to bleed and my skin truns green. Does it have anything to do with all that carpet fuzz and baby rats I ate as a kid?"
-Proteus454 Armstrong

Iím going to recommend that for at least the next month, you donít look at any "qwoman", attractive or not. If youíre skin still " truns" green right me again, but use a spell checker first. As far as your childhood eating habits go, Iím of Cajun extraction and so believe anything no lethal is by definition nutritious.

"hi im 14 and evrything annoys me! wat can i do 2 calm myself down and stop getting so annoyed by such little things?"

J, the Old Doc suffers from a similar complaint, but in my case itís not everything, itís pretty much just you right now. In particular I find the use of numbers as words irritating and have phoned your local CVS. I want you top go down there as soon as you can, stand in front of your pharmacist and close your eyes. That way youíre less likely to flinch when he Ďfills your prescriptioní.

"why are there so many ugly people in the world and why do they choose to mate? How could we get rid of them?"

Well if you really want to help get rid of them, try suicide.

"I tried to use nair.. Why doesn't it work on me? I have been using it for the pass 4 hours and no hair has come off. Do i have to go back brushing my hairy legs?"
-Too Many Questions

You need to get a hold of some Nads.

"Soon after I pet my cat my eyes get red and I sneeze a lot - why is this?"
-Big Iron

How heavy is this petting? No, but seriously, should a guy who calls himself ĎBig Ironí be allowed to have a cat?

"Recently, a large number of my limbs have been falling off, and my skin has turned a dark brown. My in-laws, next door, say I have some rare disease and should kill myself, or they will do it for me. What do YOU suggest?"
- Severly worried, considerably underweight, and throughly confused in Indiana

Severely (I assume thatís what you meant). Itís your in-laws who are confused, not you. They donít need to kill you as you re obviously already dead. Sounds like a Monkeyís Paw type situation to me and youíll just have to ride it out until someone wishes you into the cornfield. Until then, stay the hell away from me.

"why do men have nipples?"
-Regis Philpin

Has no one ever rung your nipples?

"Monkeys turn me on... Why is that?"

Itís a difficult thing to diagnose without seeing you in my 0ffice, but Iím going to go out on a limb and say you are a Monkeyís nightlight, or perhaps a Monkeyís robot.

"I can pull out my eyes from their sockets, is this normal?"
-Wacked in Wisconsin

Wacked, it depends on what you do with your eyes when they're out of the sockets. If you use them to do push-ups instead of using your arms, then yes, it's normal. If you use them for any other purpose, then you might want to get that looked at (no pun intended).

"I was drunk and I accidentally used some of that teeth whitening stuff on my face and now I've lost all of my skin pigment on my face! Help!"

Whitey, I hear they're doing a sequel to the movie Powder", you'd be a shoe-in for the part. Go for it!

"I think I might have killed JFK but I can't be sure, can you tell me if I did?"
-Possible Assassin

No, that's what Miss Cleo is for. Call her now for your "free tarot card reading!"

"I was urinating when all of a sudden a Zebra shot out of my penis. What the hell is up with that?" 

It's well known that Zebra are attracted to urine streams, he probably crawled up in there while you were sleeping. It's a good thing you got him out when you did though, because if he had stayed in there more than 24 hours, he'd be with you for life and your skin would start to develop stripes. And if you didn't already know, the ladies don't like a man with stripes. HUGE turn-off.

"I liked the smell of gasoline so much that I decided to drink some. Now I think my mother is trying to kill me and that my dad is really an apricot. Is this because of the gasoline I drank?"

Absolutely. It's well known that drinking gasoline will turn one's mother into a homicidal maniac and one's father into an apricot. I have heard reports of the father being turned into a squash, but that was only on rare occasions when the person drank gasoline and a can of WD-40.

The good doctor would answer more questions, but he just noticed a large growth on his leg that needs some attending. Sure, it might be something as simple as cancer, but do you know of any kind of cancer that bites when you poke it with a stick? Didn't think so... 

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