BEWARE THE EMAILS OF MARCH
First of all, stop complaining. Usually several
months go by before I open the old e-bag of
email and in the meantime there's at least two
APB's out on me. I got around to writing pretty
quick this time for which you can thank the
ankle bracelet I got as a friendship gift from
the Honey Island Swamp Parish House of
Corrections, St. of Louisiana. Plus they shut
off my cable which leaves me with only my
imagination for therapeutic release, as I've
pretty much committed all my old videos and
magazines to memory at this point. So; with only
a brief and legally binding reminder that this
column dispenses 'advice' only and should in no
way be misconstrued with actual medical
consultation, on with your 'medical problems'
most of which boil down to hypochondria,
substance abuse and stupidity...
Doctor I had a run-in with some LSD a while back
and now i have visions, visions of a world where
intertwining beams of light dance across a sky
of red. They dance together in perfect harmony
to the rythm of Paul Oakenfield's "the word" and
eventually come to rest on a hill top in the lap
of an old man who simply says "Fate". Should I
treat this with some kind of ointment?
Ointment isn't going to help, Frank. If you were
a more interesting person, you'd have better
You know those Wrigley's Extra strips things?
Those mints that come in packs of 20 that you
place on your tongue, and they kind of melt and
make your breath taste all fresh? Well, for a
dare, I had 20 at once. My face went numb, and
talking afterwards was painful.
Is this a bad thing?
I need a little more information. Was your
talking as painful to you as your writing is to
Hello doc, I was wondering, I'm not circumsised,
nore am I in any religion that would require
having the hood off my wang butchered off, but
still, should I consider getting circumsised or
Clinically, it's not a 'wang', it's a penis.
Consider whatever the hell you want, it's a free
country. If you decide to go through with it, my
advice is bourbon and lots of it. Circumcision
is an outpatient procedure, and to me it's
tossup which hurts more; Having your foreskin
surgically removed without anesthesia or getting
a penis full of novocain.
My face hurts whenever i pee, is that natural?
There's about a million jokes I could make all
revolving around the word 'dickhead', but I'll
be damned if I'll waste the time on a moron like
Hey there sexy cheeks, I seem to keep having
erotic dreams about -RoG- Do you know how i can
get his sexyness outta my brain??
-Call me Spanky
I'm going to go with an icepick.
i'm a purple mess shpaed as a giant reptile. i
have alot of children 'round me and i dont know
why but i feel that i must assesinate all of
them, cuz they are smelly and obnoxiously and
loud and ugly. i'm obliged to jump all over the
place in front of a cardboard painted with
things that resemble clouds and trees along with
a horrible music only comparable to the
Teletubbies theme. To top it off, i'm supposed
to shring at times and i havo no idea of how to
do it. my question is, fix my situation.
Say, that's a funny gag, a letter like that
signed 'Barney'. I'm not sure I could really add
anything. I think I'll just sit back and wait
for you to get an offer to do one of those 1-800
ads. That's where all the great comics end up
sooner or later.
My girlfriend is pregnent, what do I do?
Notify the father.
Dr Bactine, I have heard marvelous things about
bo-tox treatments, and I am seriously
considering this treatment option. My question
is... will this treatment eliminate the wrinkles
on my testicles? Can you do these treatments or
should I shop around?
Know what, Dave? Screw your medical problem,
anything is funny if you put the word
'testicles' in it. Now shut the hell up,
Testicles. See what I mean?
hi doc. i think i'm an insomniac (i havent
sleept in 5 days) would it do me any harm if i
started snorting horlicks?
Yeah, yeah, I know, 'what's a Horlicks?'
Do you have something against veterinarians? You
always clasify them as 'damned'.
Jean, I have nothing but admiration for our
nations Veterinarians. It's the damned animal
doctors I hate.
Hi, Doctor Bactine, I have a problem...I was
reading this review for a hacked ROM review at
and my problem is... My asshole dances and
shoots hammers... It says on the bottom to see a
physician if this happens... So how can this be
I'm not a marriage counselor, but I think the
name calling you engage in shows your
relationship is already in a lot of trouble. The
question isn't 'can this be cured?', it's 'Do
you and 'Asshole' want to change?'
you like Mudvayne, the band?
You mean Mulvane, the city... right? If so, then
the answer is no. Them sonsabitches
"confiscated" one of the best batches of
moonshine I ever did make.
dear Dr. Bactine,
I had sex with your wife and it was great!
Wow Joe, I've heard of necrophilia before, but I
thought even you sickos had some
what's up with freckles? do they do anything? do
they make you extra cool? I would think not
since neither pirater NOR cyborg killing
machines from the future have freckles, and
they're pretty cool, right? Camouflage doesn't
work, I still can't sit in bushes and freak
people out, well, I can, but I don't need the
freckles to do so. What are freckles for??
Freckles, liver spots, tumors... I can hardly
tell the difference between 'em. If I were you,
I'd dig 'em all out with a spoon just to be
I feel like there is like air traped underneath
my left torso. I dont feel much durinng the day
until I lay down on that side. What should I do?
Ok Creek, what you have there isn't actually
air. It's the souls of the damned. See, good ol'
Lucifer (or "Porky McHotpants" as me and the
boys like to call him) sometimes runs out of
space for all of those souls that he's collected
over the years. So he'll choose random places
here on Earth to store 'em. Hell, the ones stuck
underneath your left torso have it easy if you
ask me. I hear there's a few that were stored
away in Oprah Winfrey's posterior.
HELP ME!!! I'M DYING!!! aAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
It always amazes me that people would rather
send an email and wait months for a response
during an emergency rather than, you know, pick
up a phone and dial 911.
Doc, whenever a green rock approaches me, I
start having convulsions! What is happening to
That's no rock! Goddamned Leprechauns! Run as
far away as you possibly can the next time you
Is it possible to resist the urge to ever have
sex for one's entire life, or would the
horomones eventually take over, despite strong
Depends on who you're married to.
hi i was wondering how much u make a year i am
13teen i wish to be a vet when i grow up im
doing a project and i was just wondering well i
got to go try to email me back a/s/a/p hope u
Sumar, my boy, it's not how much money your job
pays you that matters, it's how many people you
help. Eh, who am I kidding... I don't make squat
and I haven't had a shower in ages. Heck, even
the landlord evicted me not too long ago, and I
cured his nasty case of genital warts that were
on his feet. There's just no respect for a
sawbones these days.
Why do octopodes lack bones? Are they mocking us
with their ability to squeeze through tiny
holes? P.S. octopodes is the proper plural for
octopus, in case you didn't know that.
Kairi, they're no better than us. I've squeezed
myself through some tiny holes in my day. Sure,
it left me with a bit of a limp and an addiction
to painkillers, but it was well worth it.
In the summertime my libibo increases almost
tenfold and my girl can't handle it. What can I
do to get hers up?
Wait, you want your "girlfriend" to get it up?
Are you sure that's a girl you've got there?
Dear Doctor Bottle Face.
All the girls at school make fun of me because i
am a leper. is there a cure for leprosy and will
you go out with me?
Oh no you don't... your attempts to have me
write on my computer screen with a permanent
marker so that I can check one of those boxes
has failed. I already fell for that trick in the
Bactine we need your help, demons have invaded
our homeland and we have nothing to defend, they
have destroyed our weapons, killed our men and
given venereal diseases to all our women...Is
this abnormal or is America always that way?
They don't call it the "Melting Pot" for nothin,
Hi. I stink like raw cabbage dipped in tomato
sauce that was continually sprayed with skunk
fluid a total of 895 times until the skunk died
and owls crapped all over it and then they died
too. Can you help me get rid of the smell?
problem Onion Ring, just follow these simple
instructions and soon those odors will be long
1) Apply fire
2) Repeat step 1 as needed.
Well, it's lights out in my cell-block and I
must get back to digging a hole out of here
under the cover of darkness with my makeshift
shovel. If all goes well, the next time I
respond to these damned emails I'll be living it
up in Acapulco as an escaped convict. Wish me