You know, I've been
seeing this blood dripping masks in the stores for a few years now,
yet I've never once seen another person wearing one for their
Halloween costume. It's a mystery that I've wanted to get to the
bottom of, and thanks to Carrie Johnson's kind donation of a Dripping Bleeding
Mask, I now have one to test out. So let's get right to
The thing sure looked
promising enough from the packaging. Just look at all those yellow
starbursts screaming with features like, "No Assembly Required!",
"Includes Heart Pump and Blood!", "Two-Layer Mask Allows Blood to
Flow without a Mess!", and my personal favorite...
Blood Flows & Oozes
Over Face! If that's not a damned fine selling point, I don't know
what is. Keep in mind, they are really appealing to kids (or adults with the
mentality of a child such as myself) here, so when you see something like
"Blood Flows & Oozes Over Face" it's like finding the goddamned Holy
Grail of Halloween items.
Here's one of my other
favorite parts. A lot of times when you have a toy with
"blood-pumping action" it just comes with a regular old hand pump.
Nothing special, nothing worth writing about. But that's not the
case with this
mask! The pump is a big shiny red heart just aching to be filled
with blood! So you can basically walk around and bewilder people as
you squeeze your little heart to death.
"How the hell is his face bleeding if he has his heart in his hand!?
That's just crazy!" Well, that's at least how I wish people
would react upon seeing it...
And check out the
diagram. He's holding that heart just a tad bit too low. Could they
possibly be trying to subliminally suggest that squeezing your
genitalia makes your face bleed? Perhaps that's the real cause
of Rosacea in some individuals.
And here it is. I must
say, the mask does look kind of weak behind all of that plastic.
It just looks like you're walking around in a mask that hasn't been
removed from the packaging. So yeah, that definitely takes the
"scare factor" down a few notches. But, I guess without the plastic,
anytime you squeezed the pump you'd just end up spurting blood all
over everybody. Say, that's not a bad idea! Don't steal it! It's
mine! © I-Mockery!
I carefully filled the
heart with blood. I say carefully because that's what the caution on
the box tells you. "CAUTION: Blood may
temporarily stain skin. Wash gentle with soap and water, do not rub.
Stains will fade in a day or two. Use blood with care.
Blood may stain some fabrics, surfaces and carpets. Use with
care." Boy... they sure aren't kidding about using
that blood with care. No siree! Blood handling is serious business!
And so the moment of
truth had arrived. Would the mask live up to all the hype on the
packaging? See for yourself...
It worked ok I
suppose, but you can't keep squeezing the pump every second... it
needs about 10 seconds or so to reset itself before you can get a real good
spurt of blood pouring through your face. I should note that I could actually
feel the blood moving through the plastic on my face, so that
was kind of cool.
I did however find out
why people haven't been wearing these things very much.
NO GODDAMNED AIR HOLES! That's right, because the plastic had to
be completely sealed off so that no blood would leak, there are no
air holes in the mouth or the nasal areas. They expect you to
breathe through your friggin' EYES in this thing! I was damned near
ready to pass out just from standing there with the mask on. I
can't imagine what would happen if I was actually outside walking
around with this thing. I'm pretty sure it would involve gasping
for air, choking, vomiting, and then choking on the vomit that was
unable to escape from the mask due to a lack of nearby air holes.
And here's a close-up
of the mask in action for no other reason than to show you how the
chin becomes a blood reservoir. I wish my chin was a
blood reservoir. Then again, who doesn't? Thanks again for the mask, but I
don't think I'll be wearing it around too much. Maybe I'll just hang
it from my door and squeeze the pump anytime someone approaches my
apartment. Hopefully then my mailman will think twice about crumpling up
my letters by cramming them all at once through the mail slot.