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THE DRIPPING BLEEDING MASK!

You know, I've been seeing this blood dripping masks in the stores for a few years now, yet I've never once seen another person wearing one for their Halloween costume. It's a mystery that I've wanted to get to the bottom of, and thanks to Carrie Johnson's kind donation of a Dripping Bleeding Mask, I now have one to test out. So let's get right to it...

NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED? :O WHOAH! I'M SOLD!

The thing sure looked promising enough from the packaging. Just look at all those yellow starbursts screaming with features like, "No Assembly Required!", "Includes Heart Pump and Blood!", "Two-Layer Mask Allows Blood to Flow without a Mess!", and my personal favorite...

Finally you can stop killing people to get that same sensation!

Blood Flows & Oozes Over Face! If that's not a damned fine selling point, I don't know what is. Keep in mind, they are really appealing to kids (or adults with the mentality of a child such as myself) here, so when you see something like "Blood Flows & Oozes Over Face" it's like finding the goddamned Holy Grail of Halloween items.

OOOO! LOOGIT DA HART!

Here's one of my other favorite parts. A lot of times when you have a toy with "blood-pumping action" it just comes with a regular old hand pump. Nothing special, nothing worth writing about. But that's not the case with this mask! The pump is a big shiny red heart just aching to be filled with blood! So you can basically walk around and bewilder people as you squeeze your little heart to death. "How the hell is his face bleeding if he has his heart in his hand!? That's just crazy!" Well, that's at least how I wish people would react upon seeing it...

Uhhhh, what exactly is he squeezing there?

And check out the diagram. He's holding that heart just a tad bit too low. Could they possibly be trying to subliminally suggest that squeezing your genitalia makes your face bleed? Perhaps that's the real cause of Rosacea in some individuals.

Damned plastic!

And here it is. I must say, the mask does look kind of weak behind all of that plastic. It just looks like you're walking around in a mask that hasn't been removed from the packaging. So yeah, that definitely takes the "scare factor" down a few notches. But, I guess without the plastic, anytime you squeezed the pump you'd just end up spurting blood all over everybody. Say, that's not a bad idea! Don't steal it! It's mine! I-Mockery!

FEED! FEED ON THE BLOOD YOU THIRST FOR!

I carefully filled the heart with blood. I say carefully because that's what the caution on the box tells you. "CAUTION: Blood may temporarily stain skin. Wash gentle with soap and water, do not rub. Stains will fade in a day or two. Use blood with care. Blood may stain some fabrics, surfaces and carpets. Use with care." Boy... they sure aren't kidding about using that blood with care. No siree! Blood handling is serious business! SERIOUS.

And so the moment of truth had arrived. Would the mask live up to all the hype on the packaging? See for yourself...

Yes the tubes should be hidden, but who really cares?

It worked ok I suppose, but you can't keep squeezing the pump every second... it needs about 10 seconds or so to reset itself before you can get a real good spurt of blood pouring through your face. I should note that I could actually feel the blood moving through the plastic on my face, so that was kind of cool.

I did however find out why people haven't been wearing these things very much. THERE'S NO GODDAMNED AIR HOLES! That's right, because the plastic had to be completely sealed off so that no blood would leak, there are no air holes in the mouth or the nasal areas. They expect you to breathe through your friggin' EYES in this thing! I was damned near ready to pass out just from standing there with the mask on. I can't imagine what would happen if I was actually outside walking around with this thing. I'm pretty sure it would involve gasping for air, choking, vomiting, and then choking on the vomit that was unable to escape from the mask due to a lack of nearby air holes. Nice.

A BIG THUMBS UP FOR SUFFOCATION!

And here's a close-up of the mask in action for no other reason than to show you how the chin becomes a blood reservoir. I wish my chin was a blood reservoir. Then again, who doesn't? Thanks again for the mask, but I don't think I'll be wearing it around too much. Maybe I'll just hang it from my door and squeeze the pump anytime someone approaches my apartment. Hopefully then my mailman will think twice about crumpling up my letters by cramming them all at once through the mail slot.

-RoG-
 


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