Halloween is nearly
upon us, and so it is time that we all started thinking about
costumes. Any jackass can go as a gangster or a naughty nurse, but
Halloween is when you’re supposed to concoct a really great costume
idea and wow your friends and neighbors as you go door to door
making vague threats for candy. Luckily for you droogs, I’ve come up
with an oft-overlooked idea for some winning costumes. And best of
all, they should be fairly easy to make yourself.
The source for these spiffy ideas comes from a certain video game.
Nowadays, it seems like anyone who would ever think of parading
around dressed as a character from a video game would be a dork
carrying several tons of weapons-grade nerdium. I assure you,
however, that if you go with these ideas, people won’t think you are
a loser, but rather a genius of the highest caliber… of self-made
The game in question is a wonderful little gem made during the
16-bit era called Boogerman. It tells a tale rife with vengeance,
pollution, and bodily fluids. As the title character, you belch,
fart, spit, and fling snot at a variety of equally colorful
villains. This Halloween, you have the opportunity to dazzle the
costumed community by dressing up as a character from this
The most obvious
choice would be to go as the hero. In that case, all you’d need to
make the costume are some green spandex, brown gloves and shoes, a
red cape, and a black mask. The five o’clock shadow might take a day
or two for you to whip up, but if you’re not particularly patient,
you can just grab some cheap five o’clock shadow makeup from one of
those seasonal Halloween stores.
Some tattered overalls
and a red shirt will put you well on your way to looking like the
hillbilly villain, Hickboy. To complete the look, you can pick up
some fake crooked teeth, and you can sew a red “H” on the overalls a
la The Scarlet Letter, only without the scorn of the puritan
community. Lousy bonnet-wearing, musket-toting, Columbus-lovers.
Anyway, the final touch is the chicken. No mere rubber chicken will
suffice. You could go get a convincing stuff animal chicken (Stuffed
chicken? No, that sounds edible), but it would probably be cheaper
to just grab a real one. Your best bet is to shop around for the
farm with the least attentive rooster and snag a chicken while the
rooster is busy mocking the weathervane, as roosters often do.
If you’ve ever gone as
Supergirl (or Superwoman, if you want to be PC) for Halloween, you
can just take the old costume and spraypaint the blue parts red, and
the red cape yellow. Next you’ll need to attach a yellow “V”, which
is sort of like The Scarlet Letter, only this is more of a Marigold
Letter. It may not have been as bad, but I don’t know for sure; I
only read the Cliff’s Notes. You’ll also need a yellow girdle, which
I imagine will be quite uncomfortable, but if you want to look
really good for Halloween, you need to make some sacrifices. For
your extremities, you’ll need some yellow dishwashing gloves and
matching flippers. The veil can be produced with little more than
one or two pieces of tissue paper. Last but not least, your hair
will need a good amount of mousse to retain that look, so I suggest
you grab a Bride of Frankenstein wig and spraypaint it red.
A generic Superman
costume with the shorts painted green will do for the body. Make
sure there’s enough of that paint left over to cover some gloves and
a pair of go-go boots. For the headgear, you’ll need an old-fashion
aviator’s cap (goggles optional) and a small butterfly net to go on
top. For the wings, just grab one of those fairy costumes that
manufacturers are always trying to push on little girls. If you wind
up with one that had a bunch of glitter all over it, douse it with
grey paint. Or don’t, and you can go as a more flamboyant Flyboy.
This one will require
some time and effort. The costume itself isn’t too hard. Red shirt,
cap and tights, grey gloves and briefs, a deelybopper hat, and a
grey mask will take care of that portion of the overall look. The
hard part, however, is the physical training you’ll have to endure.
You’ll need to adopt a sort of reverse Atkins diet, wherein you eat
nothing but carbs, supplemented with chocolate and anything that can
be deep fried. By the time Halloween rolls around, you should be in
perfect shape to really pull off this costume, and there will be no
doubt in anyone’s mind who you are supposed to be.
This costume will take
even more time and effort than the Deodor-Ant costume. Some clown
shoes, oversized gloves, and another one of those giant cloth
letters will combine with an appropriately-painted wetsuit and
Speedo to take care of the below-the-neck portion. For the head,
just take a gorilla mask, an oversized nose, and some coat hangers
with papier-mâché draped over them, and spray the whole thing green.
If the gorilla mask has insufficient teeth, you may have to steal a
set of those giant plastic teeth they have at the dentist’s office
for display purposes. Easy enough.
And there you have it, my
friends. I’ve bestowed upon you something that is both a gift and a
curse. On the one hand, it’s great to have a bunch of nifty ideas
for Halloween costumes, but on the other hand, you now have no
excuse for going as something lame like a serial killer (Yeah, I
know, they look just like everybody else. We all know you just
forgot to get a costume, you ass). If despite your best efforts,
people are still confused about who or what you’re depicting with
your costume, just drop a little scatological humor on them. That
should erase all doubt as to which mid-90s video game character you
represent. If not, then you must’ve done a crappy job on your
costume, in which case I will disavow any knowledge of this whole
affair. For shame!