Say kids! It’s
October! Chances are if you haven’t known exactly what your
Halloween costume was going to be since November fifth of 2003, you still
don’t know, and you’re running out of time! Don’t give yourself an
ulcer trying to think of something creative and cool, that’s
obviously well out of reach for you anyway. You and I both know the
kids who are going to win the costume contests have been hard at
work in a way you wouldn’t be if your Mom’s life depended on it,
because you’re a lazy, worthless sack of crap. If you weren’t, would
you be reading this now? So if you want candy, and we all know a
fatty like you wants free candy, just take these two easy steps!
a) Find a kid to go
with. No one even opens their door, let alone gives candy to some
guy in their mid thirties trick or treating alone.
b) Pick a tried and
true, easy to make, classic costume off this list!
What could be spookier
than facing the inevitable future? One day your parents will decide
they want the basement for storage and chuck your sorry ass out. Get
ready for a wretched life of living under bridges, drinking sterno,
peeing yourself, aging fast and dying young by using Mom’s mascara
to give yourself five o’clock shadow! Or, just don’t shave. Then
stuff a hanky with some handy unwashed underwear (it’s under your
bed, I promise) tie it to a stick, a voila! You’re a hobo! For the
extra deluxe hobo look, borrow an oversized suit from the days when
your dad was still employed and could afford to be overweight, pee
on it, rub it in dog crap and douse it with whatever house brand
hooch you and the old man have been sharing lately!
A sheet. No, a white
one, ghosts don’t have Go-Bots and biological stains all over them.
No. No. Not a contour sheet, you’ll break a leg for god’s sake. Now
cut two eye holes about two inches from the exact center of the
sheet and… wait, what are you… two eye holes, two, just two, you
don’t need another eye hole, and that one is nowhere even near your…
oh… oh, I get it. I think it’s a bad idea, but I get it. And if you
turn the costume around, You won’t have to see what that third hole
gets used for later that night when they throw you in jail.
If your reading this
article at this site, chances are really good you aren’t a girl,
because even the ugliest, meanest girl in the whole world has better
stuff to do then come here. On the other hand there’s a good chance
you’ll take any opportunity to dress as a woman. Your Mom probably
has a black dress. If it doesn’t fit, just tear the back open and
tell folks you’re a witch in a Hospital Johnny. The goal here is
candy, not convincing folks you’re an actual Witch. Anyone gets
snotty with you, tell ‘em you’re a Wiccan, then they won’t wonder
why you’re dressed like an idiot. If your nose isn’t big enough put
something on it. Silly putty, an old potato, a plastic cup. It’s
dark out. If you don’t have a wig and your mom doesn’t sleep really
deeply or is going bald, a mop head will do. Not a sponge mop
See hobo, buy an
eye-patch at the drug store and, say "ARRRR, TRICKS OR TREATS,
MATEY!" when people open the door and you’re all set. If you
want to go all out, bend a coat hanger, hold it in your hand and
pull that hand up into your sleeve. Because it will look like a hook
hand… a ‘hook hand’… because pirate’s often had their real hands cut
off. Like Captain Hook? You know, Captain Hook? Oh Christ, don’t be
a pirate then, what the hell do I care?
See Hobo, leave your
mouth open, hold your hands out in front of you and make sure your
drunker than you would have been if you were the Ghost, the Witch or
the Pirate. If you slip up and say "Arr" tell people you’re a zombie
Underwear. You’ll be
cold, but it’s so easy.
Wrap yourself in tin
foil. Plan on a short route because until you’ve done Halloween as a
Space Guy you have no idea what chaffing is all about. If you’re
really lucky some helpful neighborhood mom will throw a little
Bactine in your goody bag.
If you’re already
African American, great! If not, burnt cork works just as well now
as it did in the good old days, and lord knows there are plenty of
corks laying around your house. Don’t worry about offending anyone,
you’ve already maxed out on that by deciding to dress as O.J. Carry
a big ass kitchen knife and when folks open the door yell "Ah’s O.J.,
Ah Killed Mah Wife Wif’ Dis Knife!" It’s hysterical, loads of fun,
and running like hell is great exercise.
Same as Tarzan, but
This is the classic
costume that will never die. I mean, seriously, how many years has
it been since Power Rangers were popular? And yet, I guarantee you,
you’ll get at least a dozen on Halloween, begging through their
identical plastic masks for Candy you paid for. So why not get a
little back by grabbing the first Power Ranger that shows up at your
door, ‘borrowing’ the little freeloader’s costume for an hour or so
and hitting the Halloween road? It’s not going to fit, but just tell
people you’re in the process of ‘Morphing’ into a ‘mega’ somethingorother and your suit doesn’t ‘Morph’ quite as fast as the
rest of you. Folks will be way too scared to question you, and if by
chance they find the courage, just tell them you’re a Wiccan.