Say kids! It’s October! Chances are if you haven’t known exactly what your Halloween costume was going to be since November fifth of 2003, you still don’t know, and you’re running out of time! Don’t give yourself an ulcer trying to think of something creative and cool, that’s obviously well out of reach for you anyway. You and I both know the kids who are going to win the costume contests have been hard at work in a way you wouldn’t be if your Mom’s life depended on it, because you’re a lazy, worthless sack of crap. If you weren’t, would you be reading this now? So if you want candy, and we all know a fatty like you wants free candy, just take these two easy steps!

a) Find a kid to go with. No one even opens their door, let alone gives candy to some guy in their mid thirties trick or treating alone.

b) Pick a tried and true, easy to make, classic costume off this list!

HOBO

What could be spookier than facing the inevitable future? One day your parents will decide they want the basement for storage and chuck your sorry ass out. Get ready for a wretched life of living under bridges, drinking sterno, peeing yourself, aging fast and dying young by using Mom’s mascara to give yourself five o’clock shadow! Or, just don’t shave. Then stuff a hanky with some handy unwashed underwear (it’s under your bed, I promise) tie it to a stick, a voila! You’re a hobo! For the extra deluxe hobo look, borrow an oversized suit from the days when your dad was still employed and could afford to be overweight, pee on it, rub it in dog crap and douse it with whatever house brand hooch you and the old man have been sharing lately!

GHOST

A sheet. No, a white one, ghosts don’t have Go-Bots and biological stains all over them. No. No. Not a contour sheet, you’ll break a leg for god’s sake. Now cut two eye holes about two inches from the exact center of the sheet and… wait, what are you… two eye holes, two, just two, you don’t need another eye hole, and that one is nowhere even near your… oh… oh, I get it. I think it’s a bad idea, but I get it. And if you turn the costume around, You won’t have to see what that third hole gets used for later that night when they throw you in jail.

WITCH

If your reading this article at this site, chances are really good you aren’t a girl, because even the ugliest, meanest girl in the whole world has better stuff to do then come here. On the other hand there’s a good chance you’ll take any opportunity to dress as a woman. Your Mom probably has a black dress. If it doesn’t fit, just tear the back open and tell folks you’re a witch in a Hospital Johnny. The goal here is candy, not convincing folks you’re an actual Witch. Anyone gets snotty with you, tell ‘em you’re a Wiccan, then they won’t wonder why you’re dressed like an idiot. If your nose isn’t big enough put something on it. Silly putty, an old potato, a plastic cup. It’s dark out. If you don’t have a wig and your mom doesn’t sleep really deeply or is going bald, a mop head will do. Not a sponge mop though. Dope.

PIRATE

See hobo, buy an eye-patch at the drug store and, say "ARRRR, TRICKS OR TREATS, MATEY!" when people open the door and you’re all set. If you want to go all out, bend a coat hanger, hold it in your hand and pull that hand up into your sleeve. Because it will look like a hook hand… a ‘hook hand’… because pirate’s often had their real hands cut off. Like Captain Hook? You know, Captain Hook? Oh Christ, don’t be a pirate then, what the hell do I care?

ZOMBIE

See Hobo, leave your mouth open, hold your hands out in front of you and make sure your drunker than you would have been if you were the Ghost, the Witch or the Pirate. If you slip up and say "Arr" tell people you’re a zombie Pirate.

TARZAN

Underwear. You’ll be cold, but it’s so easy.

SPACE GUY

Wrap yourself in tin foil. Plan on a short route because until you’ve done Halloween as a Space Guy you have no idea what chaffing is all about. If you’re really lucky some helpful neighborhood mom will throw a little Bactine in your goody bag.

O.J.

If you’re already African American, great! If not, burnt cork works just as well now as it did in the good old days, and lord knows there are plenty of corks laying around your house. Don’t worry about offending anyone, you’ve already maxed out on that by deciding to dress as O.J. Carry a big ass kitchen knife and when folks open the door yell "Ah’s O.J., Ah Killed Mah Wife Wif’ Dis Knife!" It’s hysterical, loads of fun, and running like hell is great exercise.

LOONY

Same as Tarzan, but cry more.

POWER RANGER

This is the classic costume that will never die. I mean, seriously, how many years has it been since Power Rangers were popular? And yet, I guarantee you, you’ll get at least a dozen on Halloween, begging through their identical plastic masks for Candy you paid for. So why not get a little back by grabbing the first Power Ranger that shows up at your door, ‘borrowing’ the little freeloader’s costume for an hour or so and hitting the Halloween road? It’s not going to fit, but just tell people you’re in the process of ‘Morphing’ into a ‘mega’ somethingorother and your suit doesn’t ‘Morph’ quite as fast as the rest of you. Folks will be way too scared to question you, and if by chance they find the courage, just tell them you’re a Wiccan.

-Max Burbank