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Oh good lord! Is it really September? Why, that's 'back to school' month, the month where you suddenly realize it's too late to have a good summer. The month when a whole lot of brand new television shows that sound like they might be enjoyable will turn out not to be! But if you're an I-Mockery fan (and lord knows why you'd read this if you weren't unless it's one of those ironic type court punishments like when they made me wear a sandwich board that said "I AM A CONDIMENT THIEF" outside Burger King.) you know, none of those things are what make September such a delightfully GHOULISH treat! Yes, dear reader, September means HALLOWEEN APPROACHETH!! Which is particularly nice for sad little queens like you because for about two months you can get away with saying crap like 'approacheth' and people will just roll their eyes instead of hitting you.

Now, if you're like me, and my therapist says I'm constitutionally unable to imagine you any other way because I am 'emotionally retarded', at some point this Halloween Season, you will be invited to a Halloween Party. FOR GROWN-UPS! SPA-PAH-PAH-POOOOOKY!!

The adult Halloween party places before you a series of terrible conundrums. Does this party have some miserable theme you will have to abide by? When will you find time to make a costume? What does 'conundrum' mean?

You want something either very funny, or very scary. But you can't be putting a lot of time into it; you're a very busy adult what with the job, the bills, the mandated community service. It has to be original, something that other partygoers will be talking about for days, and at the same time it must not violate any restraining orders you have! It's enough to give a person hives, and if it does count yourself lucky since you can then attend the party as 'A Person with Hives', which is, you have to admit, a little scary!

Tasked with creating a costume, something you probably haven't needed to do since you were a child and now you will have to do without your MOTHER, you may be reminded, as I was, of this comical joke.

A man attends a costume party. He arrives naked, with the exception of a yogurt container covering his wiener. "Good Lord!" Says the host. "What are you supposed to be?"

"I am," the gentleman says wryly, "Fucking disgusted."

Can you appreciate the drollness? He seems to be stating his emotional condition, but actually, he has his wiener in a yogurt, and so appears to be engaged with it sexually. Yogurt is a type of custard. The man is 'fucking this custard'. Really, it's hilarious. I wish I'd written it myself, but it's in the public domain. Which is good for me, as I didn't need to come up with it or pay for it. Plus, I did not get invited back to the party I wore that costume to last year, and thus don't have to worry about what I'll be this year. Or any other party. Word gets around.

But YOU will probably get invited to a HALLOWEEN PARTY FOR GROWN-UPS!!! Hence, this handy article to help you decide what to be. (pending you are a grown-up, of course.)

Yar! I be needin to steal me some more gold, me thinks!

No. No, no, no, no, a thousand times no. Why? A.) Renting things is not free. Having a rental costume you do not pay for is called stealing. 2.) A Rental Costume is a bold faced admission that you either are not creative, or worse yet, you are, but could not be bothered for this party. And III.) You have money to throw around on useless crap like rental costumes. Why not just show up at the party with the money shoved up your ass? Wait, don't do that. I might still get invited somewhere. NOTE TO SELF: Purchase play money.

Oh you're so above it all. How chic.

At first, this might seem like a bad idea, but AU CONTRAIRE! People will invariably ask you what you are dressed as, and the verbal buffet of ice breaking responses is near infinite! "I'm a cynical son of a bitch!" Witty! "I'm a serial killer. Can we go somewhere private?" Hilarious! "I only came because of the open bar and your even more open spouse. Did I need a costume for either of those?" Provocative! "Put your hand on my wiener." An Instant Classic! "Au Contraire." French!


This one takes a little prep, but the effort is more than made up for by the savings. About a day before the party, saunter down to your local biker bar. Once inside, state loudly "WHICH ONE OF YOU FAGS WANTS A GIRL DRINK? I'M BUYING!". Several will respond by beating you nearly to death. Wherever you eventually fall, STAY DOWN! This ensures that A.) You'll be alive for the party and B.) Someone will wee on you, providing an authentic Zombie aroma at NO COST TO YOU! If unconscious until right before the party, great! If you regain consciousness, just stay where you are. If you wake up in a hospital, you may need to be flexible and go to the party as a no frills mummy, but if experience has taught me anything, it's that if you pass out in the gutter behind a biker bar, that's where you wake up. Trust me, twenty-four hours lying face down in a gutter gives you a lurching limp any Zombie would envy, if they had any emotions left, which they don't. By now you should have a gray, washed out complexion, mottled bruises, torn clothes and the smell of the tomb! You're ready to PAAAAR-TAY!

Ok, little monkey... time to take your medicine!

A quick trip to the Salvation Army for clothes some old guy died in, a little talcum powder in your sideburns and head straight for the bar as soon as you get to the party, or better yet, get good and liquored up before arriving. The first person who says ANYTHING to you, start taking off your belt with trembling hands all the while mumbling about how this time they are going to learn a lesson for good. Be sure to call them 'Little Monkey' and as they run away, collapse in a sobbing heap wailing about how 'Your mother thinks she's too good to touch me anymore, like her shit don't stink! Well it DOES! It DOES stink! Do you HEAR ME?!?'


All you need for this clever costume is an Onion, a knife and a length of rubber hose. When you arrive at the party, take a moment alone in your car to slice the onion. Hold it under your eyes for a good long time, until you can hardly see through the tears. Now you're ready! Upon entrance, make sure to talk to your host through your tears and runny nose, then ask where the bathroom is. Once there, slip out the bathroom window, return to your car, run the hose from the exhaust pipe through a slightly cracked car window, get in the car, start the engine and kill yourself. Imagine the hilarity when someone finally discovers your corpse!


If you're dating or married, your spouse is bound to insist on some sort of cute 'couples costume'. Go along with it! Anthony and Cleopatra, Bonnie and Clyde, Tea and Toast, the gayer the better. Then insist on coming from work and meeting her at the party. What could be funnier than your mates' rage when she arrives at the party and you… DON'T HAVE YOUR COSTUME!? Plus, all night long you can tell other guests "Yeah, she's Bonnie, and I'm a guy about to embark on hellish divorce proceedings."

Or don't listen to me. Allow yourself to be henpecked and flogged into some costume you'd never have chosen on your own in the hopes that 'hot after party costume sex' isn't an urban legend. Who knows? She might be into it. Just, you know, probably not with you.

Wanna see a magic trick? Look! I can make my lips disappear!

You can get an orange jump suit at an army navy if you want, but you don't really even have to. Just stare with wide open eyes and tell anyone who'll listen that even though you don't live in the same state as her, and even though your entire family knows you weren't in Boulder over Christmas the year of the murder and that the fact that you've been obsessively following the case since it happened and getting deeper and deeper into it as your sanity peeled away like boiled chicken falling off the bone has nothing to do with your recent certainty that far from just following the case YOU ARE THE MURDERER, and just because you are so TOTALLY FUCKED UP that you've been living in BANGKOK asking DERMATOLOGISTS to recommend a good SEX CHANGE DOCTOR doesn't mean you'd confess to a murder you COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY COMMITTED just so you'd get enough attention to make you feel like you FINALLY, FINALLY EXISTED AT ALL!!!! Whoever your talking to will probably believe you as will the cops and then it will be really hilarious trying to tell the other guys in the lock-up the whole story is just a Halloween costume.

Cause you know what's more GHOULISHLY SPOOKY than being in a jail cell with a bunch of criminals who think you're a child-molesting murderer?


-Max Burbank

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Halloween Costumes For Adults!