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Considering all of the
insane candy developments that we've seen in the past 10 years (such
as those lollipops that come with their own twisting mechanism
which may or may not be more powerful than a Dremel rotary tool), it takes something
special to really catch my eye. Well, today something did catch my
eye, and that something was a set of fangs and a big-assed tongue.
Easily the coolest new
Halloween candy I've seen in a while, the "Gummy Ghouls Candy Tongue
(with TOY FANGS)" just screamed, "BUY ME ROGER. YOU MUST BUY ME.
YOU WANT TO PUT ME IN YOUR MOUTH. YOU WANT TO TASTE MY TONGUEY
GOODNESS. YOU WANT TO CHOKE TO DEATH ON ME." That last part
almost turned me away, but I just had to see for myself how this
thing would look and taste. The instructions on the back were fairly
simple:
-
PUT
PLASTIC TEETH BETWEEN YOUR TEETH.
-
PUT
GUMMY TONGUE BETWEEN PLASTIC TEETH TO MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A GHOUL.
That,
my friends, is marketing genius... all at a mere 95 calories for the
entire tongue! I'm not sure why the guy was wearing a top hat and
had marks on his face like Tony the tiger, but hey, if that's what a
ghoul looks like to them, then who am I to judge? After verifying my date of birth, since this
lovely product
isn't recommended for children under 3, I opened it up.
It's your generic set
of fangs that you can get for about 5 cents in a store. If you don't
want to hunt for them in the stores, chances are you can win a set
if you earn 200 tickets after spending ten bucks at the local
arcade's skeeball game. A steal!
The package really hit
me with a strong berry smell. I swear the thing smelled JUST like
Fruit Roll-Ups. No, I'm not talking about the new ones, I'm talking
about the original large Fruit Roll-Ups that you could buy
individually in the grocery store. My mouth is starting to water
just thinking about them. And speaking of mouth watering...
I don't know what it
is about these fangs, but they make you salivate a lot. I don't
remember that happening when I was a kid. Then again, these things
are like three sizes too small for my mouth, so perhaps that has
something to do with it. Then things got a little stranger...
I couldn't believe it
when my Tung Lashor He-Man figure came to life and presented
me with the Gummy Ghouls Candy Tongue:
RoG:
What do you mean you and the boys chipped in? I bought that thing
myself!
Tung: Lissssten, we chipped in and got you thissss gift. End
of story.
RoG: Whatever. You don't even have any "boys" with you. Where
are these "boys" that chipped in, huh?
Tung: I uh... I chipped in and got them an X-Box. They're at
our clubhouse playing it as we ssssspeak.
RoG: Suuure they are, Tung.
Tung: I can prove it to you, but firssst you must become one of usssss. Extend your newfound gummy tung and be reborn!
RoG: Why is your name spelled Tung Lashor instead of Tongue
Lashor anyway?
Tung: Look, I don't have all day here, so do you want to see
the clubhouse or not?
RoG: Fine...
I have to say, becoming
one with the "Tung Fold" as he calls it, does have its perks. They
do have a nice clubhouse, an X-Box, and all the Gummy Ghouls Candy
Tongues you can stomach. I did ask Tung Lashor if I could unveil it to
you guys, but he made it sound like they'd tear out my real tongue
if I showed you their secret clubhouse. So I guess that means you're
shit out of luck, unless of course, you can find your own Gummy
Ghouls Tongue.
-RoG-
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