Pens. Who needs 'em,
right? We men and women of the age of technology need not these
tools of the caveman! We are gods in a time of bleeps and bloops and
shiny lights as far as the eye can see! We scoff at thy papyrus! We
loathe thy ink! Bow down before your mighty digital demigods!
Yeah well... all that
hotshot talk melts into a pile of primordial mush the moment we lay
our eyes on something as simple as a seasonal novelty pen. And what
better time than Halloween to bring out the best in the pen
industry? Let's take a look at some of the nifty Halloween pens
available this year.
First up, we have the
rubber skeleton pen. He's got a fairly normal upper torso, save for
the oddly large spinal cord, but what about his lower half? It's
just one big bone. Poor guy was born a mutant, so they turned him
into a pen. Ah well, at least he looks pretty happy.
See those little black
dots on his mouth? I believe they wanted to make it look like he's
missing some teeth, but in reality, it looks like he's just got some
pepper stuck in between them. Hey, even a skeleton likes a
little extra flavor every now 'n then...
While he may not be
able to walk to the nearest supermarket to buy some more pepper, he
can definitely shake his arms with the best of him. You can actually
twist him back and forth just like those hand-drums in the Karate
Kid: Part II where they helped Daniel gather the courage to fight
for the honor of his lady. I have now ruined that movie for you,
because every time from this day forth that you see it, when you see
the villagers holding up those drums you're going to picture them
holding up this skeleton pen. And you're going to laugh I say,
you're going to laugh oh so hard and nobody else around you will
know what the fuck you're laughing about. It's going to be beautiful
I tell ya.
Well the other good
news is that the pen writes with ease, I didn't have to scratch it
on the paper a few times to get the ink flowing or anything. Would
be nice if they did something a little more special with the ink,
but skeletons aren't that colorful in general, so I guess the black
ink will suffice.
Here we have the
infamous "Lite-Up" Halloween pens, which by nature, always confused
me. I mean, who the hell writes in the dark? Either way, the novelty
is enticing enough to get plenty o' people to shell out a couple bux
for one. Batteries are included with the pen, so that's a plus, but
does it really light up nicely?
Granted "pink" isn't
the spookiest color they could've chosen, but it does light up
really well nonetheless. The only problem with this pen is you have
to push down extremely hard to get it to light up, and it tends to
flicker on and off a lot.
In all honesty, I
thought I was damned near snapping the pen in two because I was
pressing so hard just to get it to light up. I've definitely used
better light pens than this one...
I could make a million
sexual jokes about this pen but I'm not gonna do it. Instead, I'll
take the high ground and say it simply looks like a nasty,
shriveled, wet little wiener. HEY! I'm talking about a hot
dog damnit! Get your mind out of the gutter, perv-o!
And there you have it,
the Doodle Finger pen in all of its twisted glory. It can
bend and flop and wobble in any way it pleases. Eugh, just holding
this thing makes me feel wrong and dirty. I think I need a bath.
Ha ha! Fooled you! You
thought that was my real finger, but it wasn't! It was the pen!
Sucker! Ok, so you didn't fall for it at all. So if the pen makes
you feel dirty when holding it and can't pass for a real finger...
what can it do!?
It can stick to just
about anything! And here lies the greatest fault of the
Doodle Finger pen; you simply can't carry it around. This thing will
pick up every dust particle, every hairball, every bit of lint it
comes in contact with. They don't provide you with a carrying case
for it or anything, so unless you plan on carrying this thing around
in a zip-lock bag, it's gonna get ruined awfully fast.
Oh yeah, it also took
about 30 seconds before I could even get the damned thing to write,
and when it did finally write, the ink was extremely light. Not to
mention, it's not very comfortable writing on paper when you have a
slimy phallus touching your hand.
Next up is the ever
popular Syringe pen! Generally speaking, you're better off getting
the ones that do not come in a package, because those ones
tend to have less fake blood in them, or they're so old that the
fake blood has simply dried up. Ones like this that come straight
off a display rack are filled up with plenty o' blood.
Yes, what better way
to promote not using drugs to the kids than by giving them a syringe
which they can simulate doing drugs with. Way to go Taiwan!
SAY NO TO DRUGS!
The pen not only
writes really well, but the ink is appropriately red! Plus
the tip is retractable so the ink won't dry up on ya.
And finally, here we
have the cream of the crop... the Halloween boxing pens! Get two of
these and you can simulate a round of hardcore fisticuffs, Rock 'em
Sock 'em Robots style!
The purple grim reaper
and the orange pumpkin are relentless in their boxing fury. Who will
win? Who will lose? Regardless of the outcome, you're guaranteed to
be the winner with these pens. Oh and you think the boxing is all
they can do? Think again:
Yep, these bad boys
can light up too, and I might add that the light isn't pink either!
Boxing, lighting up... is there anything these pens can't do? Ah
yes! How do they write?
The pens write
perfectly, and you don't even have to press down hard while you're
writing to get them to light up... unlike some other light
pen whose name I won't mention. I swear, the only way these pens
could be any better is if they made noise whenever you wrote with
them. You know, like
from Bill Cosby's "Picture Pages". Well, maybe next year, right?
Hey, I can dream...