Gosh, could it really
be Halloween again? Well, if old folks keep telling you all the
things you canít do and how much more fun Halloween was when they
were kids, I guess it must be! Now everybody knows itís flat out
impossible to stay safe AND have a good time, so before we list a
few helpful Halloween Safety Tips, we here at I-Mockery want to
remind you that no dead kid has ever eaten a Reese's cup. Itís up to
you to set your own priorities. (For Creepy Fun instructions on how
to make it look like a real dead kid is eating a Reese's cup, get a
grown upís help and turn to the Petrifying Parentís Guide on the
inside back cover of this website!)
Boy howdy, does stuff ever burn when it catches fire! And think
about this: Fire doesnít give a ratís ass about whether it got set
on purpose or not. Fire leaves it to the Arson Squad to figure that
out. Now sure, it sucks to light your jack-o-lantern with a glow
stick or flashlight. It doesnít look right and we all know it. It
makes your porch a laughingstock. Itís the kind of thing
neighborhood kids would torch your house for anyway, so why bother?
That doesnít mean you have to use a duraflame log, though, nor do
you have to block off your door with a giant pyramid of
Jack-o-lanterns or hurl buckets of lighter fluid out the window of
your car as you drive by the Mcnabbís front porch at high speed with
the headlights off, no matter how spooky that might seem after a
bottle of peppermint schnapps in your garage all by yourself. Tea
Lights may sound gay, but it wonít actually make you have restroom
sex with a guy unless thatís something youíre already inclined to
do, in which case, be my guest.
2.) OTHER LIGHTING CONSIDERATIONS
Some communities organize daylight trick or treating, because itís
much safer than trick or treating at night. But you know whatís even
safer? Living your whole life in a damn plastic bubble. That being
said, itís good to remember that nighttime is darker than daytime
unless youíre blind in which case people are going to give you
crappy candy anyway. Your costume should allow people to see you
from a distance!
Being seen from a distance is the hallmark of spookiness, which is
why Dracula and Ninjas love Safety Orange. Say, hereís a fun idea
for a safe costume! Mr. Sparkly, the Human Bike Reflector! Why the
only thing more frightening than a Human Sized Bike Reflector is
putting a lot of effort into a really terrifying costume and then
having your mom slather it in reflective tape right before you leave
the house. Say, that gives me another idea for a scream inducing
costume concept! Crushed Dreams.
Donít take any candy that isnít individually wrapped. Donít eat any
candy until itís been thoroughly inspected by your parents. Donít
Ďswapí candy with Ďfriendsí. Dispose of any candy that cannot be
thoroughly inspected. Nerds, Smarties, M&Mís, Sugar babies, Junior
Mints, etc, can all have a single tampered piece. All remaining
candy should be submerged in a bucket of water for at least an hour
to make sure the packaging was sound. Now allow your candy to dry
for 24 hours. If when unwrapped, the candy is even slightly damp,
dispose of it. Now any remaining, totally dry candy can be put in a
ziplocked bag, fumigated, and disposed of. Better safe than sorry.
If that sounds depressing, think about it this way. We do all this
because people in your own neighborhood may well be trying to kill
you. What could be spookier than that?
4.) TRICK OR TREAT IN GROUPS WITH ADULTS!
Have you ever in your whole life had one iota of fun with your
parents? Good, because everything you think is fun is dangerous.
Never, Never, NEVER go up to a stranger in a car, even if they call
you, even if they say they know you or know your parents or claim to
be that guy who was on "Friends" and is on "Joey" now or for
REASON AT ALL unless they have lost a puppy. How would you like it
if on Halloween you lost your puppy and no one would help you?
6.) STAY HOME!
I think by now weíve made it clear Halloween is a death trap. The
safest thing to do is stay home. But donít count on having fun
handing out candy to trick or treaters, because they are all staying
home just like you, except for the Mcnabbís, whoís parents raised
them like wild Presbyterian animals. So since youíre home anyway,
why not host a "Safety First" Halloween party! Here are some safe,
fun game ideas:
Guess the Number of Jellybeans in the Jar! No one ever died
doing that, right? Not until the next day at school anyway!
Guess whoís under the Costume! Of course, if you donít
whoís under the costume and you let them in your house, that wasnít
very safe, was it? Brrrrrr! Sp-puh-puh-pooky!
Candy Toss! Put a box on the floor. Give each kid five
pieces of candy. Now have them throw the candy at each other as hard
as you possibly can! They were having a shitty time at your dumb
ass, "Safety First" Halloween party anyway. A petrified Fun-Size
Crackle bar in the eye isnít going to change that.
Tell Ghost stories! Gather in a Spooky Circle, turn down all
the lights and while other kids tell chilling tales, use the cover
of darkness to sneak into the coat closet and weep! Make sure to
muffle your sobs of crushing depression with Momís coat!
Pretend to Kill Yourself! Anyone can tell you that
pretending to kill yourself is almost always safer than actually
killing yourself. Pretend suicide, if done well, will give your
folks and Halloween guests a Holiday Scare they wonít soon forget,
and they deserve it! Society sucked all the fun out of what was once
the best kidís holiday of the whole year! What could be more festive
than a little revenge served up colder than a Witchís Maracas?
If all else fails, kids, remember! No matter how much our stiff
necked, fear based culture ruins Halloween, itíll still never scar
you emotionally like a good old fashioned Family Thanksgiving, even
if youíve got more Paxil in you than a Pez dispenser has yummy candy
Pez! And Turkey Day is just around the corner. Gobble, Gobble kids!