Gosh, could it really be Halloween again? Well, if old folks keep telling you all the things you can’t do and how much more fun Halloween was when they were kids, I guess it must be! Now everybody knows it’s flat out impossible to stay safe AND have a good time, so before we list a few helpful Halloween Safety Tips, we here at I-Mockery want to remind you that no dead kid has ever eaten a Reese's cup. It’s up to you to set your own priorities. (For Creepy Fun instructions on how to make it look like a real dead kid is eating a Reese's cup, get a grown up’s help and turn to the Petrifying Parent’s Guide on the inside back cover of this website!)

1.) FIRE!

Boy howdy, does stuff ever burn when it catches fire! And think about this: Fire doesn’t give a rat’s ass about whether it got set on purpose or not. Fire leaves it to the Arson Squad to figure that out. Now sure, it sucks to light your jack-o-lantern with a glow stick or flashlight. It doesn’t look right and we all know it. It makes your porch a laughingstock. It’s the kind of thing neighborhood kids would torch your house for anyway, so why bother? That doesn’t mean you have to use a duraflame log, though, nor do you have to block off your door with a giant pyramid of Jack-o-lanterns or hurl buckets of lighter fluid out the window of your car as you drive by the Mcnabb’s front porch at high speed with the headlights off, no matter how spooky that might seem after a bottle of peppermint schnapps in your garage all by yourself. Tea Lights may sound gay, but it won’t actually make you have restroom sex with a guy unless that’s something you’re already inclined to do, in which case, be my guest.

2.) OTHER LIGHTING CONSIDERATIONS

Some communities organize daylight trick or treating, because it’s much safer than trick or treating at night. But you know what’s even safer? Living your whole life in a damn plastic bubble. That being said, it’s good to remember that nighttime is darker than daytime unless you’re blind in which case people are going to give you crappy candy anyway. Your costume should allow people to see you from a distance!

Being seen from a distance is the hallmark of spookiness, which is why Dracula and Ninjas love Safety Orange. Say, here’s a fun idea for a safe costume! Mr. Sparkly, the Human Bike Reflector! Why the only thing more frightening than a Human Sized Bike Reflector is putting a lot of effort into a really terrifying costume and then having your mom slather it in reflective tape right before you leave the house. Say, that gives me another idea for a scream inducing costume concept! Crushed Dreams.

3.) CANDY

Don’t take any candy that isn’t individually wrapped. Don’t eat any candy until it’s been thoroughly inspected by your parents. Don’t ‘swap’ candy with ‘friends’. Dispose of any candy that cannot be thoroughly inspected. Nerds, Smarties, M&M’s, Sugar babies, Junior Mints, etc, can all have a single tampered piece. All remaining candy should be submerged in a bucket of water for at least an hour to make sure the packaging was sound. Now allow your candy to dry for 24 hours. If when unwrapped, the candy is even slightly damp, dispose of it. Now any remaining, totally dry candy can be put in a ziplocked bag, fumigated, and disposed of. Better safe than sorry. If that sounds depressing, think about it this way. We do all this because people in your own neighborhood may well be trying to kill you. What could be spookier than that?

4.) TRICK OR TREAT IN GROUPS WITH ADULTS!

Have you ever in your whole life had one iota of fun with your parents? Good, because everything you think is fun is dangerous.

5.) STRANGERS!

Never, Never, NEVER go up to a stranger in a car, even if they call you, even if they say they know you or know your parents or claim to be that guy who was on "Friends" and is on "Joey" now or for ANY REASON AT ALL unless they have lost a puppy. How would you like it if on Halloween you lost your puppy and no one would help you?

6.) STAY HOME!

I think by now we’ve made it clear Halloween is a death trap. The safest thing to do is stay home. But don’t count on having fun handing out candy to trick or treaters, because they are all staying home just like you, except for the Mcnabb’s, who’s parents raised them like wild Presbyterian animals. So since you’re home anyway, why not host a "Safety First" Halloween party! Here are some safe, fun game ideas:

• Guess the Number of Jellybeans in the Jar! No one ever died doing that, right? Not until the next day at school anyway!
   

• Guess who’s under the Costume! Of course, if you don’t KNOW who’s under the costume and you let them in your house, that wasn’t very safe, was it? Brrrrrr! Sp-puh-puh-pooky!
   

• Candy Toss! Put a box on the floor. Give each kid five pieces of candy. Now have them throw the candy at each other as hard as you possibly can! They were having a shitty time at your dumb ass, "Safety First" Halloween party anyway. A petrified Fun-Size Crackle bar in the eye isn’t going to change that.
   

• Tell Ghost stories! Gather in a Spooky Circle, turn down all the lights and while other kids tell chilling tales, use the cover of darkness to sneak into the coat closet and weep! Make sure to muffle your sobs of crushing depression with Mom’s coat!
   

• Pretend to Kill Yourself! Anyone can tell you that pretending to kill yourself is almost always safer than actually killing yourself. Pretend suicide, if done well, will give your folks and Halloween guests a Holiday Scare they won’t soon forget, and they deserve it! Society sucked all the fun out of what was once the best kid’s holiday of the whole year! What could be more festive than a little revenge served up colder than a Witch’s Maracas?

If all else fails, kids, remember! No matter how much our stiff necked, fear based culture ruins Halloween, it’ll still never scar you emotionally like a good old fashioned Family Thanksgiving, even if you’ve got more Paxil in you than a Pez dispenser has yummy candy Pez! And Turkey Day is just around the corner. Gobble, Gobble kids!

-Max Burbank