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Easter Candy vs. Halloween Candy!

Forget about what half of the clichéd Halloween articles have said about the true meaning of the holiday. Costumes are only a close second. Instead, bear in mind that the most significant is the candy. Wearing a costume as a kid might have been somewhat fun, but the whole point of wearing tattered, smelly clothes coupled with an ill-fitting mask is to get candy from your stogy neighbors. Buy it yourself? You're a kid, you don't have any money! Besides, it's more fun to get candy from people you don't know because you never know what you're going to get. It's like a metaphor for life: you pretend to be something you're not and hope that you'll get something out of it that you'll like, though you're more likely than not to walk away with a sack full of the black licorice of unhappiness.

Anyway, there's a huge variety of candy to choose from, unlike holidays such as Valentine's Day, where all you get is chocolate and edible underwear made of fruit rollups. There is one potential challenger to Halloween's dominance of candy-dom: Easter. In case this is the first you've heard of it, Easter is the holiday during which Christians celebrate Jesus rising from his grave after being nailed to a piece of wood in the rudest way possible. The legend goes that the J-man transformed the boulder sealing his tomb into a chocolate rabbit and presented that rabbit to Pontius Pilate, signifying that he would one day take the man's foot for a good luck charm (incidentally, this led to the adoption of foot amputation for those suffering from diabetes). Easter has its fair share of candies as well, but how does it compare to the Halloween candy horde? Let us consider a handful of selections from each holiday to determine which is superior:

Easter


Chocolate rabbits

As stated, the chocolate rabbit is of great religious significance to the holiday of Easter. It would be difficulty to imagine the holiday without its ubiquitous milk chocolate hares. Halloween boasts a number of different types of chocolates, but it can take several boxes of those to equal the sheer tooth-blasting power of a single chocolate rabbit. Furthermore, debate rages over the proper way to eat one of these delicious idols. Ears first? Feet? Shave some flakes into your coffee? Pop out those candy eyes (deluxe models) and eat them first? Life is full of hard decisions.



Cadbury Creme Eggs

Equally important to the Easter tradition is the egg. It symbolizes new life, as well as our own willingness to devour the unborn (or only the white portion of the unborn if on a diet). The Cadbury company decided years ago that the best way to capitalize on the Easter egg would be to make the shell out of chocolate, and to fill the interior with the most sugary substance they could find. The resulting candy is so rich that you could eat a single egg in place of a meal. Again, Easter's main weapon against Halloween is candy that can only be eaten a little bit at a time.



Jelly beans

Jellybeans pull double duty, as there are dozens of different flavors of jellybeans, and dozens of different brands as well. The most basic kind include all the colors of the rainbow (including the foul black licorice) and taste vaguely similar to fruits. The branded varieties, like your Jelly Bellies, come in more eclectic flavors like buttered popcorn, and croque monsieur. Like human teeth, jellybeans have a hard shell and a soft, gummy interior. Unlike human teeth, however, the gummy centers take a while to digest, and so eating a few fistfuls of jellybeans should weigh you down for the better part of the day. Occasionally, some will slip into some kid's trick-or-treat back, but they're more at home in Easter, as they fit better in those little plastic eggs.



Peeps

Marshmallows in the shape of baby chicks? No, it's not impossible. You can eat a peep fresh for sure, but you can also let one sit out for a bit. As hard as it gets, it will still taste fine. Put it in the microwave and watch it expand! Do whatever you like to it; it cannot be destroyed. This candy is Easter's trump card. Even the chocolate rabbit is hard-pressed to be as iconic to Easter as the Peep.



Easter grass

This stuff is definitely the weakest of the Easter candy. To those of you who haven't tried any of it before, it tastes lousy and it's not very filling. What's worse, I found that after eating and passing it through my entire digestive system, it still hadn't completely broken down into its basic nutrients. It's barely even edible, if you ask me.

Halloween


Candy corn

Though you aren't likely to find much fresh corn come October, the candy variety will just be entering its ripe phase. It's fairly tasty, but god help you if it gets stale. At that point, you might as well just sink your teeth into one of those chalky Valentine's Day heart candies. Still, it's one of the oldest holiday-themed candies, and though they make different colored variations of candy corn for the different seasons, it is most assuredly a Halloween thing. Sorry, Brachs.



Mellowcreme pumpkins

In the same thread as candy corn is the indisputably Halloweeny candy pumpkins. Though made out of a similar material as candy corn, candy pumpkins are far superior in taste. Furthermore, as pumpkins, you can't really finagle them into any other holiday, except maybe Thanksgiving. Damn turkey-eating Puritans. It should go without saying, then, that the candy pumpkins represent the best chance for Halloween to win this comparison of confections.



Bulk candy bag

Though not a candy in and of itself, bulk bags of candy make their biggest showing around Halloween. Any other time of the year, you could go to the store and buy yourself a giant bag of Skittles, but come Fall, you can buy a bag of several smaller bags of Skittles. Great if you're on a diet, but it's mostly for those little tykes and their crappy store-bought costumes. If you don't want to commit to any one type of candy, just grab a bulk bag of mixed candy. Variety is the spice of life.



"Fun-sized" candy bars

Not meant to be sold individually (as explicitly written on the wrapper), trick-or-treaters are bound to wind up with a dozen or so candy bars that claim to be "fun sized". Each one is about the size of a postage stamp. You can eat one in a single bite, and then the next time you open your mouth you can ask what's so "fun" about them. A real "fun-sized" candy bar would be several feet long and equally wide. That way, they would all but require multiple people to help you eat it. This in turn creates a part atmosphere, and thus "fun-sized" becomes "party-sized". It's no small wonder that I'm not in the candy industry.


Going into this, it would seem like Halloween would be the obvious winner. In truth, though, Easter seems to have won the contest on account of its many candies that will fill your stomach after only a single bite. The peeps alone were critical in securing Easter's win in the contest. However, as Colombo would say, "dere's just one more thing..."



Peeps also come in a Halloween variety. They may be iconic come Easter, but their presence in both holidays means points for both parties. That means that Halloween is without a doubt, the defacto candy holiday, with Easter a close, but forgettable, second. All others need not apply. I'm looking at you, St. Patrick's Day.

-Dr. Boogie
 


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:


I-Mockery's Ultimate Guide to
the Halloween Candies of 2006!


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