One of the best things
about Halloween each year is that when the stores first start
putting out their holiday merchandise, they often have closeout
racks with all the stuff that didn't sell the previous year. This
time I found a costume that they said was selling for $35 last year,
but had now been reduced to a mere $5. A chance to dress up as the
worst incarnation of Jason Voorhees ever for 5 bux... now who could
pass up that deal?
Jason X costume, as
seen in the movie. Ok, well I don't think it's an exactly replica,
because according to the package this set includes a "Printed Tunic
with Body Armour." I don't really remember Jason Voorhees ever
wearing a tunic, but I guess you can't complain about minor details
such as that when you're paying 5 bux for a costume.
Naturally, the first
thing I went for when I opened the bag was the mask because, if
anything in this costume set was going to be remotely interesting it
would be that. What I didn't get was why they had the mask and the
body armor (oh pardon me, "armour") parts in a separate sealed bag
of their own.
Oh but I understood
quite fast, for when I opened up that bag the smell of these things
damn near made me pass out. I don't know what kind of paint they
sprayed these parts with, but the fumes would be enough to take down
an elephant. The mask was actually a lot larger than I thought it
would be. In fact, it was downright huge. But to give you a better
idea of just how big it really is, I took a photo of it on someone a
tad shorter than me.
I'm starting to think
that this costume is a lot scarier than I had originally thought. A
giant Jason X head of DOOM! The leg armor looked kind of
cheap to me. The fact that you tie it on loosely with a piece of
cloth also doesn't really make you feel all that invincible either.
But don't worry, I did find another use for it.
As Protoclown has
kindly demonstrated, the leg armor makes quite the stylin' neck tie.
Sure it's a tad futuristic, but I-Mockery has always been known for
being on the forefront of the fashion industry. Be sure to catch our
new fashion show, "If you really spent $1000 on that dress, I'll
shoot you in the face," on the E! channel every Wednesday night.
So there you have the
rest of the costume. It doesn't exactly look all too great, nor did
I realize that it didn't come with any pants. But hey, think about
how much scarier this costume would be if you went without any pants
at all. You'd really be putting the "X" into "Jason X" then,
Now you may think this
is just a close-up of me showing how much money I have in my
pockets. Wrong. My pockets wore out a long time ago. This is
actually a look at the inside of the right "robotic" arm of the
Jason X costume. You see, to make it look bigger and stronger, they
stuffed the right arm with this extremely itchy fabric that drives
you absolutely insane. And no, wearing a long-sleeve shirt wouldn't
solve your problem because even if you were completely naked
underneath, it feels like it's 150 degrees inside the damned
costume. So does the padding make your right "robotic" arm look all
Eh, personally I think
a few well-placed socks would do a better job, but whatever. Check
out the hand covers too. I swear, the creators of this costume had
some extra fabric lying around, so they just cut a hole in it and
called it a "hand cover". Cheap...
So I finally put the
rest of the costume on after tying on that sturdy piece of leg
armor. Ok, I admit it, Jason Voorhees isn't known for wearing docker
pants... but with the recent hurricane, I haven't exactly had any
time to do laundry. And you never know, Voorhees might want to try
fitting in at the local country club some day, and those preppy
dockers may be his ticket in. There was also an extra piece of
fabric leftover, and since there were no instructions included with
the costume and no apparent use for this piece, I tied it around my
head Rambo-style. I think it help gives Jason a certain je ne
sais quoi. Still, I couldn't help but feel that this costume was
in need of something more. A weapon! That's what it needed, a
Since I didn't have a
machete on hand, I tried out my trusty Hulk Hands instead. While
they are very empowering and match the color of my Pickle Hat
nicely, they don't really feel like a weapon. So I went into the
kitchen and found something even better.
THE POWER SPATULA FROM HELL!
Yep, I picked up that
beauty at a Bed Bath & Beyond store a couple years ago. It was the
largest spatula I had ever seen and I still haven't used it for
cooking to this day. I simply bought it because I knew if I had it,
I could do anything in life. Anything. Now that I had a
weapon worthy of Jason Voorhees (even though I was dressed as the
suckiest version of Jason ever), I was ready to go and claim a
I caught Proto using
my internet connection for something much more horrific than my
costume - "Hardcore Penguin Action".
While I did manage to
catch him by surprise for a second, I'm afraid the results
afterwards weren't all too good.
Can somebody please
explain why I am the victim here? I mean, he was the one looking at
penguin pornography, yet he mocks me for being the loser? Once
again, that old adage "you get what you pay for" proves itself to be
true. I guess what really angers me is knowing that I could have
bought a second "power spatula from hell" for 5 bux instead of this