One of the best things about Halloween each year is that when the stores first start putting out their holiday merchandise, they often have closeout racks with all the stuff that didn't sell the previous year. This time I found a costume that they said was selling for $35 last year, but had now been reduced to a mere $5. A chance to dress up as the worst incarnation of Jason Voorhees ever for 5 bux... now who could pass up that deal?

Jason X costume, as seen in the movie. Ok, well I don't think it's an exactly replica, because according to the package this set includes a "Printed Tunic with Body Armour." I don't really remember Jason Voorhees ever wearing a tunic, but I guess you can't complain about minor details such as that when you're paying 5 bux for a costume.

Naturally, the first thing I went for when I opened the bag was the mask because, if anything in this costume set was going to be remotely interesting it would be that. What I didn't get was why they had the mask and the body armor (oh pardon me, "armour") parts in a separate sealed bag of their own. 

Oh but I understood quite fast, for when I opened up that bag the smell of these things damn near made me pass out. I don't know what kind of paint they sprayed these parts with, but the fumes would be enough to take down an elephant. The mask was actually a lot larger than I thought it would be. In fact, it was downright huge. But to give you a better idea of just how big it really is, I took a photo of it on someone a tad shorter than me.

I'm starting to think that this costume is a lot scarier than I had originally thought. A giant Jason X head of DOOM! The leg armor looked kind of cheap to me. The fact that you tie it on loosely with a piece of cloth also doesn't really make you feel all that invincible either. But don't worry, I did find another use for it.

As Protoclown has kindly demonstrated, the leg armor makes quite the stylin' neck tie. Sure it's a tad futuristic, but I-Mockery has always been known for being on the forefront of the fashion industry. Be sure to catch our new fashion show, "If you really spent $1000 on that dress, I'll shoot you in the face," on the E! channel every Wednesday night.

So there you have the rest of the costume. It doesn't exactly look all too great, nor did I realize that it didn't come with any pants. But hey, think about how much scarier this costume would be if you went without any pants at all. You'd really be putting the "X" into "Jason X" then, eh?

Now you may think this is just a close-up of me showing how much money I have in my pockets. Wrong. My pockets wore out a long time ago. This is actually a look at the inside of the right "robotic" arm of the Jason X costume. You see, to make it look bigger and stronger, they stuffed the right arm with this extremely itchy fabric that drives you absolutely insane. And no, wearing a long-sleeve shirt wouldn't solve your problem because even if you were completely naked underneath, it feels like it's 150 degrees inside the damned costume. So does the padding make your right "robotic" arm look all the mightier?

Eh, personally I think a few well-placed socks would do a better job, but whatever. Check out the hand covers too. I swear, the creators of this costume had some extra fabric lying around, so they just cut a hole in it and called it a "hand cover". Cheap...

So I finally put the rest of the costume on after tying on that sturdy piece of leg armor. Ok, I admit it, Jason Voorhees isn't known for wearing docker pants... but with the recent hurricane, I haven't exactly had any time to do laundry. And you never know, Voorhees might want to try fitting in at the local country club some day, and those preppy dockers may be his ticket in. There was also an extra piece of fabric leftover, and since there were no instructions included with the costume and no apparent use for this piece, I tied it around my head Rambo-style. I think it help gives Jason a certain je ne sais quoi. Still, I couldn't help but feel that this costume was in need of something more. A weapon! That's what it needed, a weapon!

Since I didn't have a machete on hand, I tried out my trusty Hulk Hands instead. While they are very empowering and match the color of my Pickle Hat nicely, they don't really feel like a weapon. So I went into the kitchen and found something even better.

THE POWER SPATULA FROM HELL!

Yep, I picked up that beauty at a Bed Bath & Beyond store a couple years ago. It was the largest spatula I had ever seen and I still haven't used it for cooking to this day. I simply bought it because I knew if I had it, I could do anything in life. Anything. Now that I had a weapon worthy of Jason Voorhees (even though I was dressed as the suckiest version of Jason ever), I was ready to go and claim a victim.

I caught Proto using my internet connection for something much more horrific than my costume - "Hardcore Penguin Action".

While I did manage to catch him by surprise for a second, I'm afraid the results afterwards weren't all too good.

Can somebody please explain why I am the victim here? I mean, he was the one looking at penguin pornography, yet he mocks me for being the loser? Once again, that old adage "you get what you pay for" proves itself to be true. I guess what really angers me is knowing that I could have bought a second "power spatula from hell" for 5 bux instead of this cheap-ass costume.

-RoG-