Hello there, campers
and campettes! Today, in honor of Halloween and lazy minimalist
costumers, I will be reviewing "7 Stylish Moustaches
(Self-Adhesive)" that were purchased at Target for a buck and
probably made by sweatshop workers. In fact, many of these stylish
moustaches may well be authentic moustaches that were ripped off the
faces of said workers. I know at least one of them sure did taste
like it was!
First off, this
anonymous company wants you to have a "Horribly Happy Halloween".
I'd tell the assholes to go fuck themselves for trying to rain on my
Halloween parade, but as our mysterious moustache benefactor's
identity remains a secret, I clearly can't do that. As you can see,
the first and last moustaches are EXACTLY the same, except one is
gray instead of black. This is so if you decide to go through your
entire life wearing a fake moustache so as to disguise yourself,
when you get older and your hair starts to gray, you can just switch
out moustaches and no one will be the wiser. It's a disguise that
evolves with you.
Also, I would like to point out that while the packaging clearly
says the moustaches are self adhesive, this is NOT the case.
When you peel the paper off the back, they are anything BUT
sticky, so I had to attach them with tape and staples in order to
make them stick. This is the point where I should say "don't try
that at home", but you're going to have to if you want any hope of
appearing stylish at all.
Now, let's take a look at the instructions on the back, shall we?
These moustaches are clearly complex enough that I would expect them
to have a thick multi-language book included in the packaging. But
alas, no. This was all these stylish moustaches merit in the way of
The instructions gave
me a tip on how not to stick the moustaches in MY FUCKING EYE.
What might have been more helpful is some explanation of how the
fuck these so-called "self-adhesive" moustaches are supposed to
stick. Is there some secret "Shazam" power word that you must utter
to activate their power? Do you need to just happen to have glue on
your lip in order for them to "self-adhere"? Perhaps there is some
other sticky substance that they expect I might just happen to have
on my lips when I try them on. But no such luck for me. So tape and
staples it was.
Anyway, enough complaining. Time to get on with the review. Behold
THE PRETTY PRINCESS
Oh sure, it may not
look it at first glance, but this dainty little number made me feel
a little light in my loafers, if you know what I'm saying. I may
look like a constipated wreck, but I'm actually reveling in how
pretty it makes me feel. I really felt that all I needed to complete
my look was a scepter and a dress, and I'd be straight out of a
I even had to tease
the camera a little. Oh sure, you want some of the sugar I'm
selling, but you aren't getting any of my sweet mince pie!
THE JAUNTY TILTER
This moustache boldly
forges its own path, defying gravity, God, and nature by refusing to
conform to the moustaching conventions of old. Sitting straight on
my lip just won't do, because this moustache is too wild to be
contained! In fact, its good-natured jauntiness extended to other
aspects of my appearance as well, but RoG won't let me show you the
pictures of my "aspects" so you'll just have to imagine it.
This moustache doesn't
care what you think, and it was going to sit prominently crooked on
my face just to let you know that it doesn't need or seek
your approval. Moustache, I salute you!
THE WACKY CATERPILLAR
This one didn't really
look so much like a moustache at all as it did a caterpillar. But
there's a good reason for that. It actually WAS a caterpillar, and
it was only trying to escape the horrible sweatshop conditions it
had been trapped in for so long. So it secretly disguised itself as
a moustache and snuck into the packaging and traveled all the way
overseas to start a new life. Is that so wrong?
Don't you worry,
caterpillarstache! Your secret is safe with me! And both of the
people who will read this!
THE LIL' SCRAPPER
With this moustache I
wasn't likely to take any guff from anyone. This moustache filled me
an in-your-face boldness that ensured I was going to let you know
damn well and good that I wasn't going to put up with anymore of
your crap. Ya hear me?
Then RoG told me I
looked like Hitler, so I told him to put up his dukes, because I
wasn't going to brook any such insults, not on my watch, no sir!
Fortunately, he managed to calm me down by offering me some
THE SWEATY DANGLER
If this moustache
didn't make me feel like a porn star, I have no idea what else on
earth would have. It was like a hairy sex beast on my lip, just
daring the women folk to stay away, knowing full well how futile
their efforts to do so would be.
After only a few
minutes of wearing this moustache, I was ready to take my glasses
off and make love to the camera. Which is exactly what I did. But
there are no pictures of that because the camera stopped functioning
for some time during and afterwards.
THE PENSIVE CONSIDERATOR
Now this moustache
really put me in a self-reflective kind of mode, where I really felt
like stopping to examine the world and my place in it in an effort
to try to figure out what it all means, exactly.
And then it jumped up
on my nose, the little rascal.
THE SMOOTH GALVANIZER
This is that "old man"
moustache mentioned earlier, but clearly it can also be used to add
a little sophistication to a younger man's look. This moustache made
me feel like a smooth operator, and I was ready to make the world
know in no uncertain terms that I am "down with that" with a variety
of cool hand gestures.
But then an insane
fervor took over me and I felt as if I was ready to take on the
world. With this moustache, like Teddy Roosevelt, I was ready to
kick some serious ass with my big stick. But hey, I'm also "down
with that" so it's not like I'm going to be a total asshole about it
or anything. I'm totally cool with whatever you're doing. It's some
OTHER deserving bastard who I'm ready to take on with my
So there you have my
take on these seven stylish moustaches. And they're not just for
Halloween either. These moustaches can improve your quality of life
YEAR ROUND! And they look just as great on the ladies too! I
know because I Photoshopped my head on a woman's body and it looked
fantastic! So rush on down to your local Target store or check the
dumpster out behind it and stock up!