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SEVEN STYLISH MOUSTACHES!

Hello there, campers and campettes! Today, in honor of Halloween and lazy minimalist costumers, I will be reviewing "7 Stylish Moustaches (Self-Adhesive)" that were purchased at Target for a buck and probably made by sweatshop workers. In fact, many of these stylish moustaches may well be authentic moustaches that were ripped off the faces of said workers. I know at least one of them sure did taste like it was!

HORRIBLY... HAPPY?

First off, this anonymous company wants you to have a "Horribly Happy Halloween". I'd tell the assholes to go fuck themselves for trying to rain on my Halloween parade, but as our mysterious moustache benefactor's identity remains a secret, I clearly can't do that. As you can see, the first and last moustaches are EXACTLY the same, except one is gray instead of black. This is so if you decide to go through your entire life wearing a fake moustache so as to disguise yourself, when you get older and your hair starts to gray, you can just switch out moustaches and no one will be the wiser. It's a disguise that evolves with you.

Also, I would like to point out that while the packaging clearly says the moustaches are self adhesive, this is NOT the case. When you peel the paper off the back, they are anything BUT sticky, so I had to attach them with tape and staples in order to make them stick. This is the point where I should say "don't try that at home", but you're going to have to if you want any hope of appearing stylish at all.

Now, let's take a look at the instructions on the back, shall we? These moustaches are clearly complex enough that I would expect them to have a thick multi-language book included in the packaging. But alas, no. This was all these stylish moustaches merit in the way of guidance:

Because so many people try to grow moustaches on their eyes...

The instructions gave me a tip on how not to stick the moustaches in MY FUCKING EYE. What might have been more helpful is some explanation of how the fuck these so-called "self-adhesive" moustaches are supposed to stick. Is there some secret "Shazam" power word that you must utter to activate their power? Do you need to just happen to have glue on your lip in order for them to "self-adhere"? Perhaps there is some other sticky substance that they expect I might just happen to have on my lips when I try them on. But no such luck for me. So tape and staples it was.

Anyway, enough complaining. Time to get on with the review. Behold my stylization!

NUMBER ONE: THE PRETTY PRINCESS

Eat your heart out, Disney!

Oh sure, it may not look it at first glance, but this dainty little number made me feel a little light in my loafers, if you know what I'm saying. I may look like a constipated wreck, but I'm actually reveling in how pretty it makes me feel. I really felt that all I needed to complete my look was a scepter and a dress, and I'd be straight out of a fairy tale.

Happy Birthday... mister president

I even had to tease the camera a little. Oh sure, you want some of the sugar I'm selling, but you aren't getting any of my sweet mince pie!

NUMBER TWO: THE JAUNTY TILTER

It does what it wants!

This moustache boldly forges its own path, defying gravity, God, and nature by refusing to conform to the moustaching conventions of old. Sitting straight on my lip just won't do, because this moustache is too wild to be contained! In fact, its good-natured jauntiness extended to other aspects of my appearance as well, but RoG won't let me show you the pictures of my "aspects" so you'll just have to imagine it.

Those who are about to 'stache, we salute you!

This moustache doesn't care what you think, and it was going to sit prominently crooked on my face just to let you know that it doesn't need or seek your approval. Moustache, I salute you!

NUMBER THREE: THE WACKY CATERPILLAR

it's alive!

This one didn't really look so much like a moustache at all as it did a caterpillar. But there's a good reason for that. It actually WAS a caterpillar, and it was only trying to escape the horrible sweatshop conditions it had been trapped in for so long. So it secretly disguised itself as a moustache and snuck into the packaging and traveled all the way overseas to start a new life. Is that so wrong?

WINKY WINKY!

Don't you worry, caterpillarstache! Your secret is safe with me! And both of the people who will read this!

NUMBER FOUR: THE LIL' SCRAPPER

LISTEN and LEARN!

With this moustache I wasn't likely to take any guff from anyone. This moustache filled me an in-your-face boldness that ensured I was going to let you know damn well and good that I wasn't going to put up with anymore of your crap. Ya hear me?

PUT UP YER DUKES!

Then RoG told me I looked like Hitler, so I told him to put up his dukes, because I wasn't going to brook any such insults, not on my watch, no sir! Fortunately, he managed to calm me down by offering me some Flavor-Ice.

NUMBER FIVE: THE SWEATY DANGLER

ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeah

If this moustache didn't make me feel like a porn star, I have no idea what else on earth would have. It was like a hairy sex beast on my lip, just daring the women folk to stay away, knowing full well how futile their efforts to do so would be.

LOVE ME LIKE YOU SHOULD!

After only a few minutes of wearing this moustache, I was ready to take my glasses off and make love to the camera. Which is exactly what I did. But there are no pictures of that because the camera stopped functioning for some time during and afterwards.

NUMBER SIX: THE PENSIVE CONSIDERATOR

'staches that make you go "hmmmmmmm"

Now this moustache really put me in a self-reflective kind of mode, where I really felt like stopping to examine the world and my place in it in an effort to try to figure out what it all means, exactly.

What a sneaky lil' devil that 'stache is!

And then it jumped up on my nose, the little rascal.

NUMBER SEVEN: THE SMOOTH GALVANIZER

the classic

This is that "old man" moustache mentioned earlier, but clearly it can also be used to add a little sophistication to a younger man's look. This moustache made me feel like a smooth operator, and I was ready to make the world know in no uncertain terms that I am "down with that" with a variety of cool hand gestures.

LET'S GET IT ON!

But then an insane fervor took over me and I felt as if I was ready to take on the world. With this moustache, like Teddy Roosevelt, I was ready to kick some serious ass with my big stick. But hey, I'm also "down with that" so it's not like I'm going to be a total asshole about it or anything. I'm totally cool with whatever you're doing. It's some OTHER deserving bastard who I'm ready to take on with my defiant unrighteousness.

So there you have my take on these seven stylish moustaches. And they're not just for Halloween either. These moustaches can improve your quality of life YEAR ROUND! And they look just as great on the ladies too! I know because I Photoshopped my head on a woman's body and it looked fantastic! So rush on down to your local Target store or check the dumpster out behind it and stock up!

-Protoclown-
 


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