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My Halloween!

*DOORBELL*

ME: Coming, coming, hang on a sec!

KIDS: Trick or Treat!!!

ME: Oh, hey, you guys look great! You're costumes are great! Look at you, you're like a, what? A zombie bride or something? And a... a princess and a witch too! Ha ha ha! You guys are so cute, here, here, take some candy!

ZOMBIE: Thank you

WITCH: Thank you, Mr. Burbank!

ME: Okay, okay, you guys have a great time, be careful out there, okay? Happy Halloween! Bye!

Okay, not bad, not bad at all, nice little group. First group of the night. Love Halloween. Looooove Halloween. Kid with the blood mask could have tried a little harder, but what are you gonna do?

*DOORBELL*

ME: Okay, okay, here I come!

KIDS: TRICK OR TREAT!!!

ME: WOW! WOW! You guys are AWESOME! Look at all of you! Good effort! Excellent! Woah, Spaceman, I like it! Did you make that? Did your mom make that? That is awesome! You guys all look fantastic! Here, here, here, have some candy, go ahead, no, no, take some more, you guys are great!

LION: ROAR!

ME: You are an AWESOME LION!

LEOPARD: ROAR!

ME: Yeah, you too, you too! Okay, okay, great, great, happy Halloween guys, be safe, okay? Bye! Bye!

Man. Those guys were great. Those costumes looked like a lot of work. Not as good as my girls, but close. I hope the girls are having a good time. Their costumes are so great. My wife worked so hard on those costumes. Wish I could have gone with 'em, but somebody has toŚ

*DOORBELL*

ME: Oh, hey, coming! Hang on, hang on!

KIDS: Trick or Treat!!!

ME: Oh, hey, you brought the baby out! Look at that, look at you, look at you! You are such a cute little, what, what, you're what, a flower? Sure! Sure! You're a flower! A-boog-a-boog-a-boog-ah! Aaaaaaaah-boog-a-boog-a-boog-ah! A-boog-idda-boogidda-boogidda-booooooooo! Who's a cute little flower? Who is? Who is? YOU ARE! YOU ARE A CUTE LITTLE FLOWER! AWESOME! No, take more than that, take more, what the hell, right? Happy Halloween! Happy Halloween! Okay bye!! Bye!! Be safe now! Bye!!

That was one cute baby. One cute ass baby. Think I scared it though. I got excited. I got all up in her baby grill. I don't know, maybe she was crying about something else. I gotta calm down. I should not have taken all that cough syrup. You are not supposed to take that stuff with alcohol. Halloween is weird enough.

*DOORBELL*

ME: COMING!

KIDS: Trick or Treat!!

ME: OH! Wow! You guys are kind of creepy! You're giving me the willies. Here, have some candy.

BLOODY MASK KID: Do you know who we are?

ME: No, actually... not with those masks on. Are you... one of the Johnson's... No, no, their kids are way too old.

BLOODY MASK KID: You don't know who we are!

ME: You look great, though, very spooky, take some candy. Happy Halloween!

BLOODY MASK KID: Thank you Mr. Burbank.

ME: Okay, be safe now... look out for cars...

Huh. He knew who I was. That green skull kid didn't say anything. That was actually kind of creepy. Little freeloader. Who the hell does he think heŚ

*DOORBELL*

ME: COMING,COMING, HOLD YOUR WATER, I'M COMING!

KIDS: Trick or treat!

ME: Oh, hey, hi, Happy Halloween, you're... Nikki, right? You're in my daughter's class! Great witch Costume! Who's this, Darth Vader? Is he your boy friend?

WITCH: No.

ME: Oh... Sorry. Here, have some candy. Happy Halloween. Look, I didn't... It's just, you know, with the mask on, I have no idea who that kid even is, I didn't mean... I mean for all I know you're another girl, right, Darth? Right? I can't tell.

WITCH: Happy Halloween Mr. Burbank. Say hi to Cordelia for me.

ME: Okay! Okay! Right! I'll do that! Have a good Halloween kids! Be safe! You don't have a grown-up with you so look after each other! Not that anything bad is going to happen!

Jesus. I gotta get a hold of myself. What the hell? 'Is that your boyfriend?' God, I am so uncool. And that Darth Vader kid didn't say anything. First the Green Skull doesn't say anything, now Darth Vader. What does that mean? Oh my God, I said that Darth Vader kid could have been a girl. What if Nikki thinks I mean she's into girls? Christ, what if she tells her mom I said she was a lesbian? SHIT! Okay, okay, you didn't actually call her a Lesbian, she isn't going to think that, she's just a little.

*DOORBELL*

ME: CHRIST, CAN YOU JUST HANG ON A SECOND!

KIDS: TRICK OR TREAT!!!

ME: OH, HEY, WOW, LOOK AT YOU GUYS!! I'm not totally sure what all of you are but you all look great!

WONDER WOMAN: I'm Wonder Woman.

ME: No you're not.

WONDER WOMAN: Yes I am.

ME: Well, okay, generally, but the colors are totally wrong... Have some candy! Happy Halloween! It's okay, it's okay, you can be Wonder Woman going trick or treating, and she, like, changed the read and blue parts of her costume for black to be spooky! Right? Right? Here, take some candy, take some okay good bye! Be safe! Be safe out there, it's dark, you're just kids and everybody knows kids are out by themselves in the dark, I mean I'm sure it's fine, I'm sure the cops are thinking along the same lines I am so they must be out in force, just, if you hang on a sec I think I might have some reflective tape somewhere, your costumes are so dark and... and... OKAY GOODBYE! HAPPY HALLOWEEN! GREAT COSTUMES!! Bye!!... Bye...

I gotta maintain... I'm totally letting this get away from me. This is nothing to get so wigged out about. It's just Halloween. That's all. Just kids. Man, and I was so worried this was going to be boring, staying home and handing out candy. It probably wouldn't have been boring even if I hadn't done anything before hand to make it less boring. That's okay, though, that's okay, I know how to handle this, no one has to know, no one can tell. No big deal. Smooth sailing. Smooooooth sailing.

*DOORBELL*

ME: Okay. Maintain. Maintain.

...
...
...

ME: Oh... I get it... you're all... dogs... dressed as... ghosts. So that's your costumes... you're... Ghost Dogs... that's clever...

...

ME: Have some candy... dogs. Okay. Okay. Happy Halloween. Have a good time. Be safe. I'm shutting my door now...

That was just kids. That was just kids, that's all. Just kids. Kids were there and it looked like dogs, that's all. 'Cause of their good costumes. You got through it. No big deal. No big

*DOORBELL*

ME: OH JESUS OH JESUS, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?! Okay... Okay, I'm coming...

ME: no... no... you go away... I am not going to give you any of my candy... you get the hell away from here... GO!!

I wonder who I just said that to? That was horrible. That was too much. That was so damn horrible. I should never have taken those pills. This is so out of control.

*DOORBELL*

ME: WHAT?!?

KIDS: TRICK OR TREAT!!! TRICK OR TREAT!!! TRICK OR TREAT!!!

ME: NOOOOO!! NOOOOO!! TOO MANY OF YOU!!! TOO MANY OF YOU!!!

WIZARD: What the hell?

COWBOY: Mr. Burbank?

CHINESE GIRL: Oh my god, Cordelia's dad is drunk!

ME: YOU WISH DRUNK IS ALL I WAS, YOU LITTLE GEISHA BITCH!! YOU WISH!!

KIDS: AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

ME: BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!! THERE'S MURDERERS EVERYWHERE! IT'S LIKE A SMORGASBORD FOR KILLERS! You shouldn't be out at all... at night... alone...

Oh God, oh God... this is bad... I'm totally out of candy... I hope I didn't eat it... I hope this is chocolate on my hands... What the hell am I going to give the next group of kids?... I think I have some boiled chicken here somewhere... here it is...

*DOORBELL*

ME: Coming, coming, I hope you like chicken!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*BLACKOUT*

-Max Burbank
 


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! YOU FOUND
SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #18!
COLLECT ALL 19 SERIES II CARDS
FOR A SPECIAL 20TH CARD!

You found Scary-Ass Trading Card #18!
i-mockery.com/halloween/cards07/bob-card18.jpg
*copy this URL down, you'll need it once you've found all 19 cards!*

The late Frank Silva was working as a set dresser on "Twin Peaks" in 1990 when director David Lynch caught a glimpse of him reflected in a mirror. The image of Silva crouching at the foot of Laura Palmers bed was so captivating, Lynch invented the evil spirit Bob on the spot. Leland Palmer's body may have killed his daughter, but Bob was in the driver's seat. Sadly, Frank Silva succumbed to AIDS in 1995.

Find all 19 Series II "Scary-Ass Trading Cards" this September and October (2007) and you'll not only get a special secret final 20th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the months of September and October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file whenever you find them.

Once you have collected the URLs of all the cards, simply email them to webmaster@i-mockery.com with the subject line "I-Mockery's Scary-Ass Trading Cards!" and you will have the special 20th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more! Remember, the cards MUST say "Series II" on them or they will not be counted.

Do NOT email the actual card graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of all the cards which you can find directly underneath them.

 

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:


A Few Bones To Pick
With Stephen King!

AND


A Critical Analysis Of "It's The
Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"


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