Halloween is the best
holiday ever and everybody knows it. Anyone who likes any other
holiday better is a big, wrong, jerk who needs to be kicked real
hard in the nuts right now. Unless they are a girl. In which case,
who knows what you should do, because GIRLS ARE A MYSTERY.
But these girls are wrong, too. The superiority of Halloween is a
scientific fact that has been proven in studies too numerous to
mention. TOO NUMEROUS, I SAID! No, no, no, don't go running
to your precious 'internet' to look up studies, I said they were too
numerous. Do you want a real hard kick in the nuts? 'Cause I got a
big bag of 'em.
SO. Now that we agree on the inherent bestness of Halloween, what
action should we take? Yes. We need to know ways to make all other
Holidays more like Halloween. And I am just the person to tell you
how to do it. You might want to cover your nuts, in case you look
wrong at me.
This one is easy; so I'll start with it, ease you into the whole
idea. Your birthday is the one day you have all control over. Your
mother will almost certainly do whatever you require of her for your
birthday. If you no longer live at home (and don't lie, my
nut-kicking boot is on) give your mother plenty of advance notice,
especially if she will need airline tickets. Tell her this: The
theme of my birthday party is to be SPOOKY COSTUMES! And on
the invitations have her hand calligraphy that all presents should
be candy. NO FUN SIZE!!!
NEW YEAR'S EVE
Invite all your friends to a New Years Eve bash! Tell them the theme
will be... SPOOKY COSTUMES! Have huge bowls of candy. NO
FUN SIZE! DON'T BE A CHEAP BASTARD! As a fun party game, bob for
apples in festive ice buckets of champagne. As the huge, spooky
grandfather clock you have purchased specifically for this party
chimes the first stroke of midnight, you and your guests RUSH
MADLY FROM NEIGHBORING HOUSE TO NEIGHBORING HOUSE, POUNDING ON THE
DOORS! You must be fleet of foot, for once the twelve chimes
have wrung, the deed must be... all done! As your mystified,
frightened neighbors answer the door, shout "Trick or Noise Making
Toy!" They will applaud your initiative in making their New Year's
Eve more ghoulish.
What boy or girl will not be charmed (AND HORRIFIED!!) When gifted
with a REAL HEART stuffed with chocolates and RUN THROUGH
WITH AN ARROW! Real hearts can be obtained from
Carolina biological supply.
Here comes Peter Cottontail, Hopping down the Bunny Trail, hippity
hoppitty... MY GOD! These decorative eggs contain RAW HAMBURGER
AND LIVE SPIDERS!! What a SPOOKY, GHOULISH surprise!! Or, if you
don't like that, a ZOMBIE JESUS is a truly terrifyingly appropriate
delight! Because he rose from the dead. See, he was dead, and then
he came back. Like a zombie. How is that offensive?
Don't be shy if you are a GOY! Passover abounds with MORBID, SPOOKY,
GHOULISH fun!! Inform your family and friends that your Seder will
have... A SPOOKY COSTUME THEME! Your guests must dress as one of the
TEN PLAGUES! Or eight. However many it was. And then when you open
the door for Elijah, HE'S ACTUALLY THERE! AND HE TUMBLES OVER
DEAD WITH A KNIFE IN HIS BACK! OOOOOoooooh! That's some
PETRIFYING PASSOVER SHENNANIGANS!! Brrrrrrrr!
All it takes is a huge amount of cash and whores to get the boys
launching the fireworks to 'miscalculate' their trajectory, so that
halfway through the display, the fireworks start EXPLODING mere FEET
above the PANICKING CROWD! As the mass becomes a mob and attempt to
flee, you and your friends (whom you have previously informed that
this Fourth of July will have a patriotic SPOOKY COSTUME THEM!) will
rise up out of the camouflaged pits they have lain as patient as the
dead within since midday, DRESSED AS THE UNQUIET DEAD OF WORLD WAR
ONE!! Smoke bombs and pelting terrified, squealing children with
candy is optional. NO FUN SIZE!
THE HIGH HOLY DAYS
This one you probably ought to be Jewish for. Every night during the
Ten Days of Repentance, wander from house to house in your
neighborhood, dressed as an old Jewish peasant from the Schtetl.
Knock on doors, and when someone answer, with a world-weary yet
humorously wise glint in your eye, tell them "Trick or Kosher
Treat". Warn them that on Yom Kippur, the Book of Life will close
once more, and woe betide any who have only given Fun Size treats.
(Alternative: Instead of asking for treats, see if anyone knows what
the word 'Schtetl' means)
Demand that Thanksgiving be celebrated at your house. Imagine your
guests surprise and TERROR when you greet them at the door dressed
as a ZOMBIE PILGRIM WITH A TOMOHAWK IN HIS HAT WITH A BUCKLE ON
IT or a ZOMBIE NATIVE AMERICAN DEAD FROM SMALLPOX! SMAAAALLLPOOOOXX!!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!!! Serve the traditional dishes, but with a
ghoulish twist! Mashed potatoes with RUBBER TOES mashed right in!
Brown GRAVE-y! Green 'Human' bean casserole! Canned Cran-BRAINY-sauce!
Dangerously under Roasted Turkey! OOOOOOH! SALMONELLA!! CHILLINGLY
Select the nearest gated community and rush from door to door with
your friends, demanding candy, dressed as horrifying, ghoulish,
spooky... BLACK PEOPLE! WHAT COULD BE MORE TERRIFYINGLY
SHIVER-INDUCING THAN BLACK PEOPLE?!? Oh, like you're not scared of
black people. Didn't I already tell you not to lie because I had my
nut-kicking boot on?
This one is complicated, because A.) It's Halloween's biggest
competitor for "Best Holiday" and 2.) The whole idea has been
covered in the very ghoulish and spookily spine tingling "Tim
Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas". SO. It will take all your
creativity and all the money and whores you've saved since July 4th
to make Christmas more like Halloween and original. I bet you
thought you could get away with just doing a "Tim Burton's
Nightmare Before Christmas" themed party. I should kick you in
the nuts right now OH NO I DID NOT FORGET ABOUT MY RUNNING 'KICK
YOU IN THE NUTS' JOKE! I'LL KICK YOU REAL HARD IF THE MOOD STRIKES
ME! IN THE NUTS!! BOO!! AH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAAAAA!!
Okay, anyway. The whole secret of making this one work is NO ONE
MUST SUSPECT YOUR EVIL AND GHOULISH PLAN! Which will be tough
what with all the other shit you've pulled this year. You will need
to spend the entire period between Thanksgiving and Christmas
decorating your lawn and house with Christmas lights, light-up
Santas, Frosty the Snowman, light up nativity scenes! Go caroling,
buy gifts, make Christmas cookies for everyone! Buy the tallest tree
you can and decorate it so heavily you can barely see a single
branch! Invite family from far and wide, for Christmas is the
holiday of love and family, and when your dubious and wary relatives
ask if this Christmas will have a spooky costume theme,
chuckle with delight! Buy the biggest, widest, flattest, high-definitionest
TV money can buy and entertain the kiddies on Christmas Eve with "Rudolph"
and "A Charlie Brown Christmas". Take them all to candlelight
midnight mass and when you come home, you've rented a HORSE-DRAWN
SLEIGH! Oh, how tired they will all be, everyone will fall asleep so
quickly, everyone's head will be dancing with Sugarplums, but not
yours. The Roofies you've been gobbling by the fistful all evening
will see to that, AND supply you with the extra energy you'll need
to spend the first hours of Christmas day nailing all the doors and
windows shut, so that no one can escape when you set your own house
'Cause killing your
entire family on Christmas morning? THAT is some very spooky
and ghoulish shit, my friends. Oh yes. 'Trick or Treat' isn't always
bout the 'Treat' is it?
Now take your nuts and get the hell out of here, 'fore I kick 'em
real hard. BOO!
YOU FOUND SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #10!
COLLECT ALL 12 FOR A SURPRISE!
*copy this URL
down, you'll need it once you've found all 12 cards!*
Sometimes evil is a
simple matter of things getting out of hand. Everybody procrastinates
now and then. Most people at one time or another get depressed and put
stuff off to the point where it's just not healthy. And then there's
On February 15, 2002, investigators from the EPA found a massive
backlog of unfinished contracting at a business just outside of
Lafayette, Georgia. Not so out of the ordinary, really. Except that
the business was the Tri-State Crematorium. Stacks and piles and
mounds of rotting corpses, in sheds, under tarps, in the woods behind
Ray Brent Marsh, owner and proprietor, plead guilty to a series
of charges, and so was never called upon to explain himself. At his
sentencing hearing he said to the relatives of the deceased. "I
know many of you came here for answers. I have none."
Find all 12 "Scary-Ass
Trading Cards" this October (2006) and you'll not only get a
special 13th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be
entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will
be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the month of
October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file
whenever you find them.
Once you have
collected the URLs of all 12 cards, simply email them to
firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line
"I-Mockery's Scary-Assed Trading Cards!" and you will have the
special 13th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a
Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!
You must send in your emails by November
5th, 2006 to qualify!
NOT email the actual card
graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of
the 12 cards which you can find directly underneath them.
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
My Daughter's Halloween-Themed Birthday Party!