Now we all know that
there are people out there who just don't give a crap about
Halloween. To get them to dress up for the festive occasion is a
struggle to say the least, and you can pretty much count on them
being cheap-asses about it. But hey, as long as they're dressing up
as something (instead of trying to be one of those too cool
for Halloween assholes with the t-shirts that read "This is my
costume, give me the damned candy") you're making progress. For
people like this, you can always count on your local dollar store to
have an utterly crappy kit.
Pirate makeup kit for a buck. It doesn't get much cheaper than that.
It even comes with an eye-patch, which can go for 2-3 bucks in some
shops, so we're already doing pretty good here.
The eye-patch on the
pirate guy in the photograph doesn't have a skull on it and it
appears to be a nice one made out of fabric. Kinda makes you wonder
just how different from the picture the makeup will look when
applied. I'm not saying he's an incredible looking pirate by any
stretch, but for a buck, he looks... well, ok, he looks pretty
One thing these makeup
kits always tell you is that it's "easy to clean off". Any time you
see that shit, you can rest-assured that removing the makeup will be
about as easy as removing barnacles from the bottom of a ship with
your tongue. And by the time you're all done removing the makeup,
you'll look like you scrubbed your face with turpentine and a Brillo
Sounds fun doesn't it?
How could I pass up an opportunity like this? It's time to turn
myself into a cheap-assed pirate!
Step 1: "Using
sponge, apply a thin layer of tan makeup to entire face for a ruddy
Ruddy - Having a
healthy, reddish color.
Does that look in any
way healthy to you? I didn't think so. It's not rosy or strong, it
just looks like mud.
Step 2: "Dab
brown makeup with sponge to jaw line to create the unshaven look."
Well shit, I already
have the unshaven look, but sure... why not. Oh now I get it,
pirates are simply supposed to look as though they've smeared a
potpourri of fecal matter all over their faces. Am I looking like a
salty seadog yet? Do I smell of the sea? No? Fear not, landlubbers,
there's more to be done!
Step 3: "With
applicator draw a red scar on cheek with stiches"
They give you an
applicator with a tiny brush that just does not pick up any of the
makeup no matter how hard you try, so you have to use the other end
of it. The result is that your stitches end up looking more like
those shitty alien acid victory markings that the Predators put on
their faces in "Alien vs. Predator". Oh did I ruin a moment from
that movie for you because you hadn't seen it yet? Good. If I can
discourage a few people from seeing that movie, then putting on this
wretched makeup was worth it.
Step 3b: "Add a
black moustache and a 'goatee' to chin"
So all of my facial
make-up had been completed, but I couldn't help but feel that I
wasn't looking like a pirate. After adding the moustache and goatee
just like the guy on the cover had, I was noticing that I was
looking like something else.
STUPEED PIRAYT PEEGDOGS!
After I returned from
France (yes, I traveled all the way over there just to get that one
photograph. THAT is how dedicated I am to bringing you people
quality entertainment), I decided to finish the damned costume.
Step 4: "Wear
the eyepatch to complete your look."
Upon closer inspection
of the eye-patch, I realized that there were eyeholes in the mouth
of the skull and crossbones design on the eye-patch! What kind of
crap is that!? Cheap costume or not, the whole point of an eye-patch
is that you're not supposed to see out of it because... you don't
have a functional eye in that socket! Back in the day, pirates were
fed face-first to the sharks for acts of eye-patch deception. Then
they needed a face-patch and that is how wannabe pirates learned
What's worse, is that
the eye patch was made of such cheap plastic that it actually
CAVED-IN on my eye socket, making it both incredibly stupid
looking and impossible to see out of. Amazing. Just amazing. So
that's it? That's my crappy pirate costume? A mud-covered, French
pirate with a concave eye-patch? Come on, for just a little more we
can at least improve this costume a tiny bit. Behold...
AVAST! NOW I BE THE
WORST PIRATE YOU DIRTY LANDLUBBIN' SCABS HAVE EVER SEEN! YAR!!
Yep, I got me a
plastic gold doubloon so I now have some official "pirate treasure"
to bury. The only real way to complete the outfit was with a
captain's hat. So I ventured out to Long John Silver's and got me a
skull and cross-utensils captain's hat. Unfortunately, I had to eat
Long John Silver's to do so and now I'm feeling seasick.