No? Well then how's this for SCARY? Halloween is less than two
months away! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Brrrrrr. THAT is some seriously
chilling food for thought.
Last year we here at the ghoulishly dedicated I-Mockery Department
of TERROR decided not only to sprinkle a selection of fear-based
adjectives into everything we wrote for two months, BUT ALSO to hide
twelve totally awesome SCARY-ASS TRADING CARDS in selected I-Mockery
Halloween articles! We challenged you to COLLECT THEM ALL and
literally millions of you did! I use the word literally here fairly
loosely, because actually it was hundreds, but that was A
FEW HUNDRED MORE THAN I EXPECTED! HAH! And as an EERIE reward to
those who could demonstrate they'd found all twelve cards, we sent
out an extra morbid THIRTEENTH LIMITED EDITION SCARY-ASS CARD!!
So, as a tribute (by which I mean kick in the face) to the intrepid
souls who DARED collect the entire set of SCARY-ASS TRADING CARDS,
SERIES ONE, we now present them all in one PANTS CRAPPING article!
BUT WAIT!
This is more than just a collector fest for the E-trading card
fetishist! BEHOLD!!!
This article serves as the kick off for...
MAX BURBANK'S SCARY-ASS TRADING CARDS... SERIES II!!!!!
Yes, TREMBLE IN TERROR IF YOU MUST, but ONCE AGAIN we will be Hiding
NINETEEN BRAND NEW SCARY-ASS CARDS in I-Mockery's Halloween
articles! And if you collect them all, you will be eligible to
receive the insane twentieth card SO MIND-BENDINGLY HORRIBLE ALL THE SKIN WILL
PEEL OFF YOUR FACE THE INSTANT YOU LOOK AT IT!
Well, not really. I mean, seriously, who actually make an effort to
look for something that would make all the skin peel off their face?
That's not a desirable outcome. If you don't believe me, just ask
Toht.
So here they are, kids. All thirteen SCARY-ASS SERIES I CARDS!
Refresh your memories and... GOOD HUNTING!
AH HAH! AHA HAH! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAH!
HAUNGHPH! HAUNK! HURFFFF!
Anybody got a lozenge?
A florist before
turning to acting, Michael Berryman has Hypohidrotic Ectodermal
Dysplasia, a condition that leaves him without sweat glands, hair,
fingernails or teeth. He played Pluto in the classic 1977 Wes Craven
shocker, "The Hills Have Eyes". Sources say he is a very nice
person.
Anthony Zerbe, born
1936, Long Beach California, is a freak. No matter what role he's
playing (and you've seen him in everything from "Cool Hand Luke" to
"Star Trek Insurrection" and the Matrix movies). No matter how hard
he may try to low key it or play it straight, his freak flag is
flying. In fact, the calmer he is, the creepier he gets. Maybe it's
those damn eyebrows that arch up and flare out like he's permanently
pissed off or maybe not human. Never did he scare the crapola out of
me more than when he played Brother Mathias, the Anchorman turned
Charismatic cult leadin', Charlton Heston Killin' post apocalyptic
zombie, Brother Mathias in my absolute favorite horror flick, "The
Omega Man". Sure, it's dated, sure every Black person in it has a
'Fro you could cut topiary out of, but for my money, NOTHING is
creepier than Zerbe saying, "Show him the marks, my brothers. Show
him the pretty, pretty marks." And then they all take off their
sunglasses and their pupils are like REALLY, REALLY PALE BLUE!!!
ALMOST WHITE!! Okay, Maybe when Zerbe was the mad scientist in "Kiss
Meets the Phantom of the Park" was scarier. Maybe.
Who makes Vlad the
Impaler look like a total Pussy? Why his niece by marriage, "Blood"
Countess Elizabeth Bathory of Hungary (1560 – 1614). Actually, her
castle was in what's was then part of Transylvania, and some experts
believe Brahm Stoker based Count Dracula more on her than old Uncle
Vlad. The Guinness book of world records lists her as histories most
prolific mass murderer. She's credited with murdering 600 some odd
young girls, legend has it to bathe in their blood, as she believe
it sustained her youth. A HUGE fan of torture, legend has it she
hand wove a bathrobe made entirely from the pubic hair of her
victims.
We're not talking
precocious "Danger, danger Will Robinson" Billy Mumy here. Not "Fish
Heads" Barnes & Barnes Bill Mumy, not even Hippy Dippy "Nineteenth
Nervous Breakdown" playin' "Bless the Beasts and the Children" pop
culture footnote Billy Mumy (which by the way is pronounced
M-YOU-ME, and not Mummy). We're talking perhaps the most perfectly
chilling performance a child star ever gave that makes "I see dead
people" and "Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrance" look like the weak
sisters they are. Twilight Zone, episode 73, "It's a Good Life". The
great Rod Serling wrote this story of what might happen if a typical
tyke had the powers of a God, but Billy Mummy gave us the blank,
innocent, amoral face of the monster lurking inside every kid. "It's
good you did that Anthony. It's real good."
Former circus sideshow
contortionist turned actor, Browning's directing career began in
tragedy. A mysterious late night collision with a freight train left
Browning confined to a hospital bed and his best friend dead. To
while away the hours of tedious recuperation, he wrote scripts,
which his friend and mentor D.W. Griffith encouraged him to direct.
While perhaps best known for directing "Dracula" he also helmed the
cult classic "Freaks" and the Silent Classic "The Unholy Three".
Long time collaborator Lon Cheney stars as Dr. echo, the evil
ventriloquist, who launches a crime wave with henchmen circus
strongman Hercules, and Twedledee, the twenty-inch man.
The exotic dancer once
known as Tura Yamaguchi starred in a number of B films, but
honestly, only one matters. As Varla, the violent, quasi-lesbian
thrill killer in Russ Meyers "Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill" Tura
Satana seared herself into the national subconscious. She did all
her own stunts and fight scenes. "The point is of no return," quoth
Varla "And you’ve reached it." Solid.
His real name is
Lawrence Rory Guy, but that's hardly a spine tingling a handle as
Angus Scrimm, is it? And even a creepy Moniker like that has nothing
on "The Tall Man". And he isn't even that tall, just 6' 4"! But oh
my Lord, if you saw Phantasm when you were a kid (and I did, at a
drive in, no less) he had to be 9' 9" of pure terror. That voice,
like a wire brush being dragged through blood soaked gravel, those
merciless floating chrome spheres, the eye brow raised at least a
quarter inch higher than Leonard Nimoy ever raised his, The Tall Man
is one of the few modern movie monsters that continued to frighten
little kids long after the movie was over.
1972, Baby. American
International Pictures. Raised by Voodoo from the prison in which
Count Dracula himself created... the Vampire Prince of Africa,
Mamuwalde... BLACULA! Think I'm making it up? Well, I shit you not,
my friends. In "Blacula" and its sequel made a scant year later,
"Scream, Blacula, Scream," classically trained actor and Opera
singer William Marshall brought the Bad Ass Blaxploitation Vampire
to undead life.
Alice Krige is scary
as hell. No, wait, she's sexy as hell! No, she's both, she's sary!
Scexy! She's just asking for whole new categories of words to be
made up about her. This actress is like Smack addiction on legs, you
don't want her in spite of the fact that you know she'll kill you;
you want her BECAUSE she's going to kill you! Who else could have
made the Borg Queen, under all that make-up, a bald head shoved on a
writhing metal spine, seductive? You really need to rent "Ghost
Story" which for a bad movie has a whole lot to recommend it. Not
only does it feature a who's who of Hollywood geriatrics, but Alice
is the movies Big Bad, and she totally convinces you that the most
horrible thing she can do to her victims is love them before she
kills them. Not pretend to love, but actually fall in love with them
and not kill them until they love her! Creepy! In a very grown up
way! Oh, plus, you get to see her all nekkid.
Sometimes evil is a
simple matter of things getting out of hand. Everybody
procrastinates now and then. Most people at one time or another get
depressed and put stuff off to the point where it's just not
healthy. And then there's this.
On February 15, 2002, investigators from the EPA found a massive
backlog of unfinished contracting at a business just outside of
Lafeyette Georgia. Not so out of the ordinary, really. Except that
the Business was the Tri-State Crematorium. Stacks and piles and
mounds of rotting corpses, in sheds, under tarps, in the woods
behind the buildings.
Ray Brent marsh, owner and proprietor, plead guilty to a series of
charges, and so was never called upon to explain himself. At his
sentencing hearing he said to the relatives of the deceased. "I know
many of you came here for answers. I have none."
Can't even shout,
can't even cry
The Gentlemen are coming by.
Looking in windows, knocking on doors,
They need to take seven and they might take yours.
Can't call to mom, can't say a word,
You're gonna die screaming but you won't be heard.
Who doesn't love Buffy
the Vampire Slayer? But even diehard fans admit, it was really
action adventure in a horror setting, and not very often actually
frightening. The exception in spades was a weird little episode
called "Hush"
The Gentlemen silence voices. It makes it so much easier to do what
they do, which is harvest human hearts.
"I'm Talky Tina.
And I don't like you."
Twilight Zone.
The episode was called "Child's Play". Telly Savalas was a rotten
Step Father. Talky Tina was a doll. A scary, evil, Murderous doll.
"I'm Talky Tina and I'm going to kill you."
A simple, inanimate piece of plastic. And every time the camera
focused on her unchanging sweet doll face, she got scarier.
"I'm Talky Tina. And you better be nice to me."
And here's some spooky Trivia. The voice of Talky Tina was June
Foray, who not only voiced Rocky the Flying Squirrel, she was also
the actual voice used for Chatty Kathy, the very real, very
commercially available doll on which Talky Tina was based. THAT is
some scary-ass shit.
The Secret Thirteenth
Card!
There is nothing you
can imagine in your darkest nightmares that this man has not done,
and smiled while he did it.
Be sure to keep your
eyes peeled for Series II of the Scary-Ass Trading Cards hidden in
I-Mockery articles this Halloween season!
