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Max Burbank's Scary-Ass Trading Cards: The Complete Series One!


Hah! Scared ya, didn't I?

No? Well then how's this for SCARY? Halloween is less than two months away! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Brrrrrr. THAT is some seriously chilling food for thought.

Last year we here at the ghoulishly dedicated I-Mockery Department of TERROR decided not only to sprinkle a selection of fear-based adjectives into everything we wrote for two months, BUT ALSO to hide twelve totally awesome SCARY-ASS TRADING CARDS in selected I-Mockery Halloween articles! We challenged you to COLLECT THEM ALL and literally millions of you did! I use the word literally here fairly loosely, because actually it was hundreds, but that was A FEW HUNDRED MORE THAN I EXPECTED! HAH! And as an EERIE reward to those who could demonstrate they'd found all twelve cards, we sent out an extra morbid THIRTEENTH LIMITED EDITION SCARY-ASS CARD!!

So, as a tribute (by which I mean kick in the face) to the intrepid souls who DARED collect the entire set of SCARY-ASS TRADING CARDS, SERIES ONE, we now present them all in one PANTS CRAPPING article!


This is more than just a collector fest for the E-trading card fetishist! BEHOLD!!!

This article serves as the kick off for...


Yes, TREMBLE IN TERROR IF YOU MUST, but ONCE AGAIN we will be Hiding NINETEEN BRAND NEW SCARY-ASS CARDS in I-Mockery's Halloween articles! And if you collect them all, you will be eligible to receive the insane twentieth card SO MIND-BENDINGLY HORRIBLE ALL THE SKIN WILL PEEL OFF YOUR FACE THE INSTANT YOU LOOK AT IT!

Well, not really. I mean, seriously, who actually make an effort to look for something that would make all the skin peel off their face? That's not a desirable outcome. If you don't believe me, just ask Toht.

So here they are, kids. All thirteen SCARY-ASS SERIES I CARDS! Refresh your memories and... GOOD HUNTING!


Anybody got a lozenge?

A florist before turning to acting, Michael Berryman has Hypohidrotic Ectodermal Dysplasia, a condition that leaves him without sweat glands, hair, fingernails or teeth. He played Pluto in the classic 1977 Wes Craven shocker, "The Hills Have Eyes". Sources say he is a very nice person.

Anthony Zerbe, born 1936, Long Beach California, is a freak. No matter what role he's playing (and you've seen him in everything from "Cool Hand Luke" to "Star Trek Insurrection" and the Matrix movies). No matter how hard he may try to low key it or play it straight, his freak flag is flying. In fact, the calmer he is, the creepier he gets. Maybe it's those damn eyebrows that arch up and flare out like he's permanently pissed off or maybe not human. Never did he scare the crapola out of me more than when he played Brother Mathias, the Anchorman turned Charismatic cult leadin', Charlton Heston Killin' post apocalyptic zombie, Brother Mathias in my absolute favorite horror flick, "The Omega Man". Sure, it's dated, sure every Black person in it has a 'Fro you could cut topiary out of, but for my money, NOTHING is creepier than Zerbe saying, "Show him the marks, my brothers. Show him the pretty, pretty marks." And then they all take off their sunglasses and their pupils are like REALLY, REALLY PALE BLUE!!! ALMOST WHITE!! Okay, Maybe when Zerbe was the mad scientist in "Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park" was scarier. Maybe.

Who makes Vlad the Impaler look like a total Pussy? Why his niece by marriage, "Blood" Countess Elizabeth Bathory of Hungary (1560 – 1614). Actually, her castle was in what's was then part of Transylvania, and some experts believe Brahm Stoker based Count Dracula more on her than old Uncle Vlad. The Guinness book of world records lists her as histories most prolific mass murderer. She's credited with murdering 600 some odd young girls, legend has it to bathe in their blood, as she believe it sustained her youth. A HUGE fan of torture, legend has it she hand wove a bathrobe made entirely from the pubic hair of her victims.

We're not talking precocious "Danger, danger Will Robinson" Billy Mumy here. Not "Fish Heads" Barnes & Barnes Bill Mumy, not even Hippy Dippy "Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown" playin' "Bless the Beasts and the Children" pop culture footnote Billy Mumy (which by the way is pronounced M-YOU-ME, and not Mummy). We're talking perhaps the most perfectly chilling performance a child star ever gave that makes "I see dead people" and "Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrance" look like the weak sisters they are. Twilight Zone, episode 73, "It's a Good Life". The great Rod Serling wrote this story of what might happen if a typical tyke had the powers of a God, but Billy Mummy gave us the blank, innocent, amoral face of the monster lurking inside every kid. "It's good you did that Anthony. It's real good."

Former circus sideshow contortionist turned actor, Browning's directing career began in tragedy. A mysterious late night collision with a freight train left Browning confined to a hospital bed and his best friend dead. To while away the hours of tedious recuperation, he wrote scripts, which his friend and mentor D.W. Griffith encouraged him to direct. While perhaps best known for directing "Dracula" he also helmed the cult classic "Freaks" and the Silent Classic "The Unholy Three". Long time collaborator Lon Cheney stars as Dr. echo, the evil ventriloquist, who launches a crime wave with henchmen circus strongman Hercules, and Twedledee, the twenty-inch man.

The exotic dancer once known as Tura Yamaguchi starred in a number of B films, but honestly, only one matters. As Varla, the violent, quasi-lesbian thrill killer in Russ Meyers "Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill" Tura Satana seared herself into the national subconscious. She did all her own stunts and fight scenes. "The point is of no return," quoth Varla "And you’ve reached it." Solid.

His real name is Lawrence Rory Guy, but that's hardly a spine tingling a handle as Angus Scrimm, is it? And even a creepy Moniker like that has nothing on "The Tall Man". And he isn't even that tall, just 6' 4"! But oh my Lord, if you saw Phantasm when you were a kid (and I did, at a drive in, no less) he had to be 9' 9" of pure terror. That voice, like a wire brush being dragged through blood soaked gravel, those merciless floating chrome spheres, the eye brow raised at least a quarter inch higher than Leonard Nimoy ever raised his, The Tall Man is one of the few modern movie monsters that continued to frighten little kids long after the movie was over.

1972, Baby. American International Pictures. Raised by Voodoo from the prison in which Count Dracula himself created... the Vampire Prince of Africa, Mamuwalde... BLACULA! Think I'm making it up? Well, I shit you not, my friends. In "Blacula" and its sequel made a scant year later, "Scream, Blacula, Scream," classically trained actor and Opera singer William Marshall brought the Bad Ass Blaxploitation Vampire to undead life.

Alice Krige is scary as hell. No, wait, she's sexy as hell! No, she's both, she's sary! Scexy! She's just asking for whole new categories of words to be made up about her. This actress is like Smack addiction on legs, you don't want her in spite of the fact that you know she'll kill you; you want her BECAUSE she's going to kill you! Who else could have made the Borg Queen, under all that make-up, a bald head shoved on a writhing metal spine, seductive? You really need to rent "Ghost Story" which for a bad movie has a whole lot to recommend it. Not only does it feature a who's who of Hollywood geriatrics, but Alice is the movies Big Bad, and she totally convinces you that the most horrible thing she can do to her victims is love them before she kills them. Not pretend to love, but actually fall in love with them and not kill them until they love her! Creepy! In a very grown up way! Oh, plus, you get to see her all nekkid.

Sometimes evil is a simple matter of things getting out of hand. Everybody procrastinates now and then. Most people at one time or another get depressed and put stuff off to the point where it's just not healthy. And then there's this.

On February 15, 2002, investigators from the EPA found a massive backlog of unfinished contracting at a business just outside of Lafeyette Georgia. Not so out of the ordinary, really. Except that the Business was the Tri-State Crematorium. Stacks and piles and mounds of rotting corpses, in sheds, under tarps, in the woods behind the buildings.

Ray Brent marsh, owner and proprietor, plead guilty to a series of charges, and so was never called upon to explain himself. At his sentencing hearing he said to the relatives of the deceased. "I know many of you came here for answers. I have none."

Can't even shout, can't even cry
The Gentlemen are coming by.
Looking in windows, knocking on doors,
They need to take seven and they might take yours.
Can't call to mom, can't say a word,
You're gonna die screaming but you won't be heard.

Who doesn't love Buffy the Vampire Slayer? But even diehard fans admit, it was really action adventure in a horror setting, and not very often actually frightening. The exception in spades was a weird little episode called "Hush"

The Gentlemen silence voices. It makes it so much easier to do what they do, which is harvest human hearts.

"I'm Talky Tina. And I don't like you."

Twilight Zone.

The episode was called "Child's Play". Telly Savalas was a rotten Step Father. Talky Tina was a doll. A scary, evil, Murderous doll.

"I'm Talky Tina and I'm going to kill you."

A simple, inanimate piece of plastic. And every time the camera focused on her unchanging sweet doll face, she got scarier.

"I'm Talky Tina. And you better be nice to me."

And here's some spooky Trivia. The voice of Talky Tina was June Foray, who not only voiced Rocky the Flying Squirrel, she was also the actual voice used for Chatty Kathy, the very real, very commercially available doll on which Talky Tina was based. THAT is some scary-ass shit.

The Secret Thirteenth Card!

There is nothing you can imagine in your darkest nightmares that this man has not done, and smiled while he did it.

Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for Series II of the Scary-Ass Trading Cards hidden in I-Mockery articles this Halloween season!

-Max Burbank

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

How To Ruin A Perfectly Good
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