Oh, so it's a story
yer wantin', is it?
Nnnn, a spooky story fulla twists and turns and things you didn't
expect a-jumpin out at ya and hollerin "Booo-WAH!" and
peril and such.
A story for a dark night. Like this one. If this were a dark night
and not just words on your computer screen on the internet at work
when you should be doin' the job yer paid for BUT AT LEAST IT'S
Aarrrr... tell that to yer boss when he catches ya... at least it's
Hnnn. What? OH! The story! Yes, well, you be comin' to the right
place than, didn'cha? Ol' Max Burbank's got a story or two up his
sleeve that'll chill your guts so cold you'll get a TUMMY ACHE!
A spooky tummy ache at that. Rrrr.
An why am I talkin' like a pirate, then? Arrrr, because the spooky
voice and the pirate voice are one and the same, lads, one and the
same... that's a secret I swore I'd take to me grave but I LIED
THEN DIDN'T I? Never turn yer back on me, I can't be trusted
OH THE STORY, THE STORY, THAT'S RIGHT, THE STORY!
Hnnnnnn.... I like to make sounds while I'm spinnin' a tale... a
grunt here, a moan there, the occasional wheeeeeeze... makes it all
the more... SPOOKY DON' YA THINK! An yellin' all of a sudden
fer no reason, yar... that be spooky too.
So GATHER ROUND, children, hunker down on yer haunches if you
know what hunkerin' is and where yer haunches be. Stare into me camp
fire and watch the embers glow...
Or, you know, stare at
this admittedly not very scary clipart of scouts at a campfire an
pretend. PRETEND REAL HARD!
There's no denyin' this would be better as a monologue. A sort of a
one-man show, ya know. At an art venue of some kind. I come from a
performance background, you may have seen that one commercial I did,
that one where I played the janitor who's scratch ticket didn't
win... 'fore it got pulled... but then I got married, didn't I? And
a mortgage soon followed, and kiddies and I had to get a regular
job, didn't I? Arrrrr, with benee-fits and a dental plan that won't
keep me from needin' a SECOND MORTGAGE IF THE LITTLE ANKLE
BIGHTERS NEED BRACES! BRACES, I TELL YA!
Hnnnn... Orthadontia... that's a terrifyin' thing now.
But the story is what you came to hear, the scary story of terrible
things that happened to innocent people who never hurt no one, good
church goin' God fearin' folk all torn to pieces in the Devils own
panty raid, and the rivers of blood and the severed spines and the
Devil all the while a shoutin' "Show me yer panties, show me yer
But I don't know that story so you'll have to hear another.
A TALE TA MAKE YER MARROW TURN THE CONSISTENCY OF THAT...
that... FLOAM stuff they be sellin' on the TV! Yes, yes, all
gooey styrofoam beads of many colors in tupperware containers and
such! So... LISTEN!
They say the old man who lived by his self in the crumblin' mansion
at the top of the hill had a cat with a head made of cheese...
And that's all I remember of that story but you have to admit it's
SHOCKING! The BONE RATTLING TERROR of a CHEESE-HEADED CAT!
Drive ya mad jus' thinkin' on it. Hnnnnn....
WHAT DO YOU WANT? CAN'T AN OLD MAN SLEEP? OH! Oh. The story!
Yes, yes, the frightenin' tale of terrifyin' ghostly... shenanigans
and what not... sure, sure, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TA STICK A DOLLAR IN
ME THONG, ARRRR, HNNNNN, OOOOOOHHhh... Oh, wait, sorry, that's
at me other job, this tale is gratis me friends, yes, it's on the
house... THE HAUNTED HOUSE! I scared you that time, didn't I?
Anyways the story... No one believed Sam Gilchrist when he told 'em
that space pirates had replaced his left titty with a coffee maker,
but that's what you get when you 'cry wolf' one too many times. Or
'coffee maker where yer titty used to be' in this case. OH MEN DO
TOO HAVE TITTIES, JUST FLAT, AWFUL, HAIRY USELESS ONES IS ALL, AN IF
THAT'S NOT SCARY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!
Maybe I ought ta do a puppet show. Would you like that, a spooky
puppet show? Only I ain't got no puppets so it'd just have to be me
hands, and you all a usin' yer imaginations. HEY, I KNOW!
Reach in me pocket an' see if I got any candy corns a hidin' in
there for you!
No?... it'll be spooky... it's very dark and... unknown... in me
pocket. An' everybody's afraid of the unknown if you YELL ABOUT
IT ALL OF A SUDDEN! THE UNKNOWN!! AAAAAGH!!!
Okay, okay, okay, a scary story it is then. Jenny Danson was only
twelve and she didn't have no friends, on account of one of her
teeth was shaped like an action figure, NO, NO, THAT'S A TERRIBLE
STORY and it isn't even scary unless you be scared of pathos,
arrrr, the pathos of a wee lass with an action figure tooth. I'll
tell you the end though, so you won't go wonderin', she grows up to
be a beautiful woman who gets MOWED DOWN BY A RUNAWAY BUS, THERE
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! An' she had no insurance as the young often
don't. I'd like to say she came back as a ghost and haunted the bus
driver, but she didn't as there's no such thing as ghosts AND
DON'T BE FOOLED BY SHOWS LIKE 'AMERICA'S MOST HAUNTED PLACES',
they're all malarkey is what and cable is a vast and endless
wasteland of crap... crap stretchin' out as far as the eye can
see... a trackless sea of stinkin'... crap. 'Cept for 'The Office'.
I like me that show. Michael makes me laugh he does.
All right, then, there was this VAMPIRE, see? He was SEVEN
HUNDRED AND TWELVE YEARS OF AGE and his wiener had been exposed
to the sun AND OH CRAP, I SCREWED THE POOCH ALREADY WITH THIS
STORY, DIDN'T I? Who the HELL is going to be scared of a
vampire with a scorched pecker? No one is who. No one. Rrrrrr.
Have you heard the one about the hook handed maniac that got audited
by the IRS? It's extremely frightenin' especially once you get to
the part about his... ghoulish... deductions. Admittedly that part
comes well into the fifth hour of the story...
A WALRUS MADE A BAR BET WITH THE DEVIL, SEE?! That he could
fit AN ENTIRE LUNCBOX UP HIS OWN ASS!!
I hate you people. Sincerely. Come around here 'Oh, tell us a
spooky story, Old Man, make us cringe in terror!' WELL IT'S
HARD, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! An yer parents always come round the
next day all... complainin' about the nightmares I give ya...
nightmares about... children dead before there time on account a'
tainted gumballs and iguanas with dubious online degrees and
restless hands... self publishin' books of forbidden knowledge on
the subject of... hygiene... fer EVIL DWARVES!... And the
lack there of, children, aye, the lack there of.
Now GET OFF WITH YE, GO NOW, BEGONE, LET A' OLD MAN SLEEP OFF THE
ROBITUSSIN JITTERS FER THE LOVE A' PETE!
An' next time you come at least bring me some jerky. Jerky helps the
story along, that's what they say. Although, truthfully, they might
have been talking about something all together different, now I
think of it.
SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #9!
COLLECT ALL 19 SERIES II CARDS
FOR A SPECIAL 20TH CARD!
*copy this URL
down, you'll need it once you've found all 19 cards!*
illusionist, escape artist, musician and briefly a comic book artist.
Though he only drew a few dozen books in the late sixties, Steranko
revolutionized comic book art with his work on 'Nick Fury, Agent of
Shield', 'Captain America' and 'Tower of Shadows'.
Though this homage to Lovecraft would win the Alley Award in 1969,
Steranko and Marvel publisher Stan Lee fought over it so much,
Steranko left Marvel. Today, this often anthologized tale of a
self-centered, greedy young couple who find themselves transported
back in time to take the place of Louis the XVI and Marie-Antoinette
on their way to the guillotine, is cited as a major influence of the
modern graphic novel.
Find all 19 Series II "Scary-Ass
Trading Cards" this September and October (2007) and you'll not only get a
special secret final 20th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be
entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will
be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the months of
October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file
whenever you find them.
Once you have
collected the URLs of all the cards, simply email them to
firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line
"I-Mockery's Scary-Ass Trading Cards!" and you will have the
special 20th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a
Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!
Remember, the cards MUST say "Series II" on them
or they will not be counted.
NOT email the actual card
graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of
all the cards which you can find directly underneath them.
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
Why We Like Horror!
A Brief History Of Halloween!