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A Terrifyingly Spooky Halloween Tale To Tell Kids!

Okay, only tell this story at night. You'll see why in a moment. Also, it's good to have all the lights out and tell the story with a flashlight under your chin for a spooky effect. NOTE: Make sure the flashlight is on, or no one will see you, which is kind of spooky but not as effective for live storytelling. It's okay if you recorded the story, cause holding a flashlight under a tape recorder's chin isn't very spooky after about the first thirty seconds.

I like to have a nice glass of wine before I tell this story. You don't have to, but you should try it because it really loosens you up for storytelling. Ready? Okay, here we go.

Campfire Tales with Max Burbank!

"Gather round, children. I want to tell you a terrifying, true cautionary Halloween story that I know is true because it was told to me by someone I know. It was on a dark and creepy night in October just like this one." (This is why you need to be telling the story at night, because if you are telling it during the day you have already screwed it up and ruined your credibility with the kids who will be more horrified if they believe this story is true. I should also note that when telling this dark tale of horror, you should not read aloud anything in parenthesis. If you are reading this sentence aloud right now, you need to start over.) (Okay, start over again, and this time do not read the sentences in parenthesis.) (You're reading this sentence aloud, aren't you? What are you a moron?)

"And there were these two teenagers, a boy and a girl (If your audience is exclusively gay you may change the sexes of the people in the story appropriately. If any of your audience is transgendered, you can make the boy a former girl or vice versa. Beyond that, you are one your own.) in a car, on a date, driving somewhere I guess to see a movie or something. And they're listening to the radio, right? Music! But not hip hop or hard rock, because that doesn't set the mood right. Or maybe they were, I don't know, but anyway an announcer breaks in to make an announcement that is real important! Important enough to cut right in on some music! And the announcer goes 'We interrupt this music for an important announcement! A lunatic has escaped from an insane asylum right near you! And he's on the loose and he's real dangerous 'cause he's nuts and he killed a whole bunch of teenagers one time, which is why he ended up in a nuthouse for the criminally insane! He should be considered real dangerous and he has a HOOKHAND!' (Say 'hookhand' real loud and lurch forward. Did you just read that aloud? God damn it!) This really happened, it's a totally true story that I heard from my Old Granddad."

"And the girl goes 'Oh, man, that's creepy, you should take me home' and the guy is like 'Oh come on, Nancy (The girls name is Nancy) I was planning on making out with you cause we're teenagers!' and she goes 'I thought we were going to a movie!' and he goes 'No, that's just what I told your parents because if I said I wanted to go make out with you they might not let me.' And she goes 'Well, I do like to make out.' And the guy goes 'I know, that's what everybody says, that's why I asked you out, and besides, this is a big area, what are the chances we will run into an escaped lunatic when there's only one of them? Also, we are in a car that is moving and he may be nuts but how fast can he run?' And the girl goes, 'okay, let's park somewhere and make out, but keep the engine running so if the lunatic shows up we can make a quick get away.'"

(This is a good place to take a dramatic pause and take a drink on account of you don't want to get parched. Drambuie is good at this point in a creepy tale, or some kind of flavored Schnapps.)

"So the guy pulls over in a secluded spot and leaves the engine on. And he puts his arm around the girl and they start necking." (Do not get any more specific than this, no matter how tempted you may be. Once I was telling this tale and kind of got distracted and carried away and added some details into this part. And some of the parents of the kids I told the story to got really mad and I had to stop being a Cub Scout leader. This is back before they required CORI reports. And if you read this part out loud you should just forget it and give up because I told you like three times not to, and also these kids you're talking to now know your CORI report is not everything it should be.) (CORI stands for Criminal Offense Record Information.)

"And then Jessica goes (I decided her name isn't Nancy, because if I can't tell sexy details I can at least have a sexier name than Nancy) 'You know what, Dave (Oh, the boy's name is Dave) I'm too creeped out by this whole escaped lunatic thing to enjoy this making out with you.' And Dave tries to get her back into the mood, and when that doesn't work, asks if she'll just keep going until he's done being in the mood (again, not too specific here) and Jessica gets all mad and he says 'Okay, okay!' and he goes to start the car and it won't start. (Oh, shit. I already said the engine was still running, didn't I? Okay, go back and don't tell that whole part about keeping the engine running. No, wait, that won't work because Jessica said she'd only make out with him if he kept the engine running so she wouldn't be too scared to make out. Of course she's too scared anyway, and I think she knew that all along, which means either she doesn't like Dave that much or she has intimacy issues, which is so not how the other guys said she would be. Crap. Okay, the engine is on, tell them the engine is on) And he starts to pull out and the car stops because it is out of GAS! And Jessica is like 'Quit fucking around you son of a bitch!' 'cause she's scared and her white trash gutter mouth really comes out when she's scared and Dave goes 'What, you think I'd fake running out of gas just to make out with you? You are so stuck up!' and Jessica goes 'Okay fine' and Dave goes 'But do you want to make out anyway since we're not going anywhere?' and she reminds him about the escaped lunatic and he goes 'Oh, yeah.'"

(You are pretty dry again by now, so take a big long pull of something. I'd go with Jägermeister for the dramatic effect of that creepy German type stag's head logo.)

"Remember, kids, this story is true and I know that to be the because a friend by the name of Jim Beam told it to me, and he is a trusted friend. So Brick (I just realized 'Dave' is not a name that inspires a lot of confidence, and you want the guy to seem all manly and shit for the ironic effect later. Trust me. ) So Brick (Is 'Brick' too gay? Like, kind of rough trade? Be honest. No? Okay.) So Brick goes 'I guess I better go walk and get gas at that gas station about a mile back on this unlit road we are on.' And Jessica goes 'Oh, you are NOT leaving me alone with an escaped lunatic on the prowl who has killed teenagers before and has a HOOKHAND!' and Brick says she should just lock the car and stop being such a girl and she says 'I am a girl!' and he's like 'you wouldn't know it by me.' and she says 'what's that supposed to mean?' and he's all 'girls like to make out with me.' and she goes 'maybe they don't.' and he goes 'well fine!' And she's like 'Well FINE then!' And Brick gets out of the car and slams the door and storms off into the night thinking about how first she wouldn't make out with him and now she doesn't even care if he walks a whole mile in the dark when there's an escaped lunatic on the prowl with a hookhand and everything and this story is true, remember, I can vouch for that on account of it first being related to me by my pal Johnny Walker who is the one person on this planet who has never lied to me."

(Your gonna think I'm nuts, but try a swig of Crème De Menthe here. Seriously. It's a little faggy but it really suits the next part of the story, which is all about the girl. Seriously. It'll get you simpatico with her girl fears. Unless you are a girl, which I totally didn't think of until just now, but is okay, because girls are fine with Crème de Menthe, and quite frankly so am I. Crème de Menthe gets a very girly rap which it should not, because it may be sweet, but it hits like a friggin' hammer to the face.)

"So China (I don't know, the Crème de Menthe has got me thinking her name is China now, which is like a totally hot name) is at first all mad and then she looks in the rearview mirror and can't even see Dave anymore (oh, he's Dave again, cause now that her name is China, she totally would have made out with a guy named Brick. I mean, come on, Brick and China? They'd be screwing by now, lunatic or no lunatic.) And she starts to get scared and regretful about fighting, but not about not making out, because what kind of sick fuck is up for necking when a hookhanded teenager murdering lunatic is on the prowl? I mean, what... does he think his name is 'Brick' or something?"

(Malt Liquor for this next part. Trust me.)

"Okay, where am I? OH! Right! The announcer guy busts in on the music again and says 'Don't worry, everybody, the escaped Lunatic got caught! Everything is okay now!' and China is super relieved and she leans back in the car seat in a way that really stretches her shirt tight over her boobs (Okay, we are right on the edge of PG-13 here, so NO FURTHER! And maybe don't say 'Boobs'. Just say, like, chest.) And out of nowhere (Shout this next part real loud for the shock effect) BRICK'S DEAD BODY THUMPS DOWN ON THE ROOF AND HIS UPSIDE-DOWN, TOP PART OF HIS BODY IS HANGING RIGHT OVER THE WINDSHIELD AND HIS THROAT IS SLIT AND HE'S DEAD! DAVE I MEAN!"

(Jell-O shots.)

"AND CHINA IS LIKE SCREAMING AND SCREAMING AND SHE SLIDES INTO THE DRIVERS SEAT AND THROWS THE CAR INTO REVERSE AND GUNS IT AND... she... the car... the car is supposed to be out of gas, isn't it? Fuck. Uhm... I guess, like, Dave was just lying about the being out of gas part. That makes sense, right? To get China to make out with him more since they were stuck with nothing else to do? But if they weren't really out of gas, why would he walk out into the middle of the night, when there's an escaped hookhanded lunatic on the loose? OH! Because he didn't WANT her to know he lied about the whole out of gas situation! Of course! SO SHE PUTS THE PEDAL DOWN AND THE CAR... the car... wait. Wait!"

(Bong hit) (Did you actually just say the words 'bong hit' out loud? Fuckin' tool.)

"Okay, if she believed the car was out of gas, right? Why try to drive it? If she panicked would she try? Like, out of desperation? Maybe. She might. Okay, that's what happened. It sounds okay. This part should probably have been in parenthesis. I mean, it's not really part of the story. I am so faced right now. Oh crap!" (I am so faced right now, right?)

"ANYWAY, SHE TEARS OUT OF THERE and she's driving like a total madwoman, and Brick's dead body is, like COMPLETELY obscuring her view, which if you've ever tried to drive with something on the windshield is like, fucking TERRIFYING! This one time? On the highway? My hood sprang open, and I'm like going seventy miles an hour and I cannot see a fuckin' thing! THAT is scary, my friends. Not some shit about running out of gas with an escaped lunatic on the prowl with a hookhand. REAL LIFE is scary. Like you marry someone? And you think they're a China? But really they aren't even a Jessica, they're more like a Nancy and you start wondering if they changed, or if they were ever even a China at all, and what the hell are you supposed to do now, GO THROUGH LIFE WITH A NANCY?! THAT was not the PLAN! That was never the plan. But that's life, kids. THAT... is fuckin' life. Trick or treat, right? Trick or fuckin' treat."

(You're about to scream THE NEXT PART, so just something light here, like a Wine Cooler or Zima. OH! TWISTED TEA! I love that shit! NO! NO! A CHINESE RESTAURANT DRINK! Like, a Mai Tai or a Fog Cutter. What's that one where the cup is shaped like a coconut? That one.)

"AND BRICK'S BODY SLIDES OFF THE WIND SHIELD AND SHE RUNS IT OVER AND THE CAR GOES UP AND DOWN LIKE A DAMN LOWRIDER BUT FROM RUNNING OVER A DEAD BODY AS OPPOSED TO HYDRAULIC LIFTS! AND THE RADIO COMES ON AND GOES 'THE LUNATIC IS STILL ON THE LOOSE, THE GUY THEY CAUGHT WAS JUST SOME OTHER GUY WITH A HOOKHAND!' AAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

And she gets to the gas station right? And she pulls in 'cause it's well lit and there's an attendant there, and she stops the car and gets out and she's totally hysterical! And this is a true story told to me by a very trustworthy cousin of mine named Southern Comfort! And the attendant goes 'What's wrong, what's wrong?' and she tries to tell him but she's too hysterical and as he leads her away we notice hanging from the drivers side door handle is a HOOKHAND! AAAAAAAAAAGH!!

'Cause the lunatic had his hookhand on the door and was about to get China when she peeled out and it TORE OFF HIS HOOK HAND!!

Okay, yes, the car was locked, you're right, but so what? It's totally creepy right? To have the Hookhand hanging there? It so is. And wait, wait. You think we're done, right, but in the classic horror tradition, we are not! As the attendant leads China off he puts his arm around her to comfort her and OH MY CHRIST, HE'S GOT A HOOKHAND!! AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!

Well, so what if it doesn't make sense? You think the horror is over but it isn't over, that's CLASSIC HORROR! Okay, okay fine, after you see the attendant's hookhand you hear the announcer come on the radio again and go 'Another Lunatic has just escaped and this one also has a hookhand!'"

(Oxycontin)

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FAR FETCHED!? It's a true damn story! Haven't you ever heard 'truth is stranger than fiction'? You know what? Get the hell out of my house. That's the last time I EVER tell you kids a story. And DO NOT come back here on Halloween. You 'Trick or Treat' my house, I will punch your damn lights out. Seriously. I don't even care.

Oh, listen, listen, if your going by the package store, will you stop in and get me whatever the highest proof thing this ten bucks will buy? 'Cause they won't sell me shit anymore. It'll be okay, tell 'em it's for your mom, I'll write you a note."

-Max Burbank
 


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! YOU FOUND SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #2!
COLLECT ALL 12 FOR A SURPRISE!

You found Scary-Ass Trading Card #2!
i-mockery.com/halloween/cards06/zerbe-card2.jpg
*copy this URL down, you'll need it once you've found all 12 cards!*

Anthony Zerbe, born 1936, Long Beach California, is a freak. No matter what role he's playing (and you've seen him in everything from "Cool Hand Luke" to "Star Trek: Insurrection" and "The Matrix" movies). No matter how hard he may try to low key it or play it straight, his freak flag is flying. In fact, the calmer he is, the creepier he gets. Maybe it's those damn eyebrows that arch up and flare out like he's permanently pissed off or maybe not human. Never did he scare the crapola out of me more than when he played Brother Mathias, the Anchorman turned Charismatic cult leadin', Charlton Heston Killin' post apocalyptic zombie, Brother Mathias in my absolute favorite horror flick, "The Omega Man". Sure, it's dated, sure every Black person in it has a 'Fro you could cut topiary out of, but for my money, NOTHING is creepier than Zerbe saying, "Show him the marks, my brothers. Show him the pretty, pretty marks." And then they all take off their sunglasses and their pupils are like REALLY, REALLY PALE BLUE!!! ALMOST WHITE!! Okay, maybe Zerbe was scarier as the mad scientist in "Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park". Maybe.

Find all 12 "Scary-Ass Trading Cards" this October (2006) and you'll not only get a special 13th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the month of October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file whenever you find them.

Once you have collected the URLs of all 12 cards, simply email them to webmaster@i-mockery.com with the subject line "I-Mockery's Scary-Assed Trading Cards!" and you will have the special 13th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!

Do NOT email the actual card graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of the 12 cards which you can find directly underneath them.


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:


My Daughter's Halloween-Themed Birthday Party!


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