Everybody loves
vampires! And what's not to love? Great clothes, up all night, sleep
all day, never die, loads of super powers, plus, the chicks totally
dig you. On the down side, there's constant hunger, nude beaches are
mostly empty at night and if a vampire hunter gets lucky and kills
your undead self, you totally go to hell. In short, being a vampire
kicks ass except for the ways it totally sucks. (Note to self: try
to be more erudite in the unlikely event of a second draft.)
So, sit back, relax, have yourself a nice warm cup of BLOOD and lets
take a look see at the pros and cons of some well known vampires in
a format sure to be even more amusing than that blood drinking joke.
VLAD
"THE IMPALER" DRACULA
Do NOT go to one of
this guys dinner parties
OVERVIEW: The inspiration for Brahm Stoker's Count, Dracula
isn't his last name in the way we think of it. His father was called
Dracul, or 'Dragon', as he was a member of the 'Order of the Dragon'
a society created by the emperor Sigismund to protect his lands and
keep people from making fun of his name. 'Dracula' means 'Son of the
Dragon' or 'Li'l Dragon' if you like getting impaled. He Became
Prince of Wallachia (Now part of Romania) When his father was
brutally assassinated and his older brother being unavailable on
account of having been blinded with heated iron spikes and buried
alive some years previously.
CONS: Reason for cool nickname fairly disgusting, not
actually a vampire.
FUN FACT: Once punished insulting foreign diplomats by having
their hats nailed to their heads.
COUNT
DRACULA IN THE BOOK
BY BRAHM STOKER
1st edition cover
every bit as exciting as text inside.
OVERVIEW: While hardly the first portrayal of a Vampire in
fiction, Stoker's Dracula becomes THE template for all fictional
Vampires that follow. Oddly, they don't follow it all that well. The
count as he appears in the novel is bearded and while not as strong
during daylight hours, he's perfectly able to walk around and do
stuff. He is eventually dispatched not with a wooden stake through
the heart, but simple knives.
PROS: Street cred for being the Dracula everybody cribs from.
CONS: Dracula is an 'epistolary novel', meaning it is mostly
comprised of letters and documents making it less familiar to modern
readers and also an awkward format in which to include hot sex
scenes.
FUN FACT: Also wrote "The Lair of the White Worm", and so he
must be blamed for both the unspeakably bad 1988 Ken Russle film and
the album of the same name by Dutch death metal band "God
Dethroned". It should be noted here that Dutch death metal is
apparently a genre of music practiced by Dutch morons.
VARNEY
THE VAMPIRE
Beats the cra-zap out
of Stoker's cover, don't you think?
OVERVIEW: Varney made his appearance in mid-Victorian Penny
Dreadfuls, so called because the popular pamphlet sized magazines
sold for a penny and were very badly written.
PROS: Actually pre-dates Stokers Dracula by several years.
CONS: Teeth described as 'Tusk-Like', kind of dorky
when compared to Dracula's 'Fangs like those of a Pit-Viper'.
FUN FACT: In a serious F-U to vampire hunters, Varney commits
suicide by throwing himself into Mount Vesuvius.
NOSFERAUTU
Count Orlok comes to
London in search of
a fabulous new 'Nail Clipper' invention.
OVERVIEW: This 1922 German Expressionist silent film stars
Max Schrek as Count Orlok. The story is basically a total rip-off of
Stoker's book, but DAMN, the intense look of this picture keeps you
from caring much about the story line.
PROS: Creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy, can you say CREEPY?!
CONS: You kind of have to suspend your disbelief just a
teensy little bit to accept that people don't get this dude is a
monster the INSTANT THEY SET EYES ON HIM! HELLO?! HELLO?!
FUN FACT: Orlok is the first Vamp to die from exposure to the
sun, an addition to Vampire lore that becomes canon from this point
on. Orlok's bite doesn't make Vampires, but does cause infectious
bubonic plague, which covers your tracks way better.
BELA
LUGOSI
Hello, ladies!
OVERVIEW: King of the Draculas as far as I'm concerned.
Nobody did the Count better. It's the eyes, baby, those burning
eyes. The Hungarian born actor emigrated to the United States in
1921 already having appeared in films in Hungary and Germany. He
played Dracula in the original Broadway production for several years
but still had to campaign vigorously to get the lead in Todd
Brownings classic film. Fate was cruel though, if by fate you mean a
wicked morphine habit. Combined with typecasting it pretty much
killed his career.
PROS: This is a sophisticated dude. Ask the Ladies. Even
today.
CONS: Lugosi's actual decade long junkie death makes getting
a stake through the heart look like a romp through the daisies with
your Sunday School class.
FUN FACT: Lugosi's last appearance was in Ed Wood's
unintelligible epic, "Plan 9 From Outer Space". Wood incorporated
some silent footage of Lugosi capering around in one of his
authentic Dracula capes outside his decaying Hollywood Bungalow. To
'Flesh' out the role after Lugosi's death, Wood hired his wife's
Chiropractor, a significantly taller, thinner man, who had to keep
the bottom half of his face covered by the cape in all his shots, as
he looked nothing at all like the late Lugosi.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Is that a stake, or
are you just glad to see me?
OVERVIEW: Played the count in at least a half dozen Hammer
Films. Suave, urbane, intelligent, highly physical in his violence
and above all tortured and lonely, Lee showed the world the kind of
layers immortality might build up on your psyche. With better script
writers, he might have been a serious contender to take Lugosi's
crown. He sure tried.
PROS: The voice that must be obeyed.
CONS: I'm a huge fan of the Hammer Horror films, but the
dialogue reads like it was written by a semi-talented twelve year
old.
FUN FACT: Went on to be the only good thing in the notably
awful Star Wars prequels.
FRANK
LANGELLA
This move was either
about Vampires or boobs, I can't remember which.
OVERVIEW: Like Lugosi, Langella played Count Dracula on
Broadway before staring in a movie version in 1979. Unlike Lugosi,
Langella had distractingly huge, poofy, John Travolta as Vinny
Barbarino, blow dryed hair.
PROS: I've been told by several women who saw the movie in
their prime that despite, or perhaps because of, Langellas somewhat
simian features, he is sexy. I will have to take their word for it.
CONS: So busy being sexy he kind of forgets to be scary even
once.
FUN FACT: Langella has won three Tony Awards, but he also had
a major role in "Cutthroat Island", which I believe puts to rest the
superstition that a Tony Award provides magical protection against
acts of gross stupidity.
GARY
OLDMAN
This may have been a
good movie, but this hairdo
made me totally unable to recall anything else.
OVERVIEW: It takes a hell of a lot of nerve to call your
movie "Bram Stoker's Dracula" and then makes a film that deviates
more from the novel than any previous movie version, but I suppose
that's not Oldman's fault any more than the incredibly weird
buttocks like wig he sports at one point. Oldman probably had no
role in casting Keanu Reeves, and was almost certainly not
responsible for seeing that a dialogue coach taught him an English
Accent that didn't sound like something out of a high school
production of 'A Christmas Carol'.
PROS: I'm told this movie made a great deal of money.
CONS: Maybe it's me, but WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT WIG?!
WHO CAME UP WITH THAT IDEA, QUEEN AMIDALLA?
FUN FACT: Oldman once played Sid Vicious. What if the smack
addicted, girl friend murdering bass player for the 'Sex Pistols'
had also been a vampire? THAT would have been AWESOME!
GEORGE HAMILTON
You're blocking my
sunlight...
OVERVIEW: George Hamilton plays Count Dracula looking for
love in New York. The story is no less believable than any of the
other Dracula tales.
PROS: It's George Hamilton.
CONS: It's George Hamilton.
FUN FACT: Dracula, a creature of the night, has never had
such a great tan.
FOREVER KNIGHT
Surprisingly, this is
a great soundtrack album. No, I'm kidding, look
at the picture, no one on earth ever took the record out of the
jacket.
OVERVIEW: Okay, truthfully? I never saw this syndicated TV
show even once, but the basic deal is, see, there's this 800 year
old Vampire, and now, see, he's a detective in Toronto, and his name
is Nick Knight. Get it? He's immortal, right, so that would be the
'forever' part, and then 'Knight', that's, like, his last name, and
also it means a do-gooder champion right, but wait! It's also a
homonym for NIGHT! Which is when VAMPIRES come out! That, in a
nutshell, is pretty much why I avoided the show like a bad case
Locker Room Crotch.
PROS: I'm fairly certain there are no Pros here.
CONS: Seriously?
FUN FACT: The pilot for the show was a CBS made for TV movie,
where the role of Nick Knight was played by Rick Springfield. When
offered the role on the show, he is reported to have said "Even I
don't need a check this bad." The part went to actor Geraint Wyn
Davies, which I think we can all agree is a very unfortunate name.
VAMPIRE WILLOW
Without this picture,
my article would have been a total sausage fest.
OVERVIEW: Every Television series worth it's salt has an evil
alternate universe, and 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer" was no exception.
Thankfully, Joss Whedon was wise enough to stop short of having his
Vampire Willow sport that tell tale evil universe facial hair, the
Van Dyke. But, in a tip of the hat to the classic evil Van Dyke, he
did make Vampire Willow gay.
PROS: Very Hot for lonely fan boys and at least ten percent
of fan girls.
CONS: Did not get own show.
FUN FACT: Costs skyrocketed on the seasons of Buffy when
Whedon threw a diva fit and insisted on several scenes being shot on
location in an actual evil alternate universe.
THE
COUNT ON SESAME STREET
I don't actually give
a fuck what the number of the day is.
OVERVIEW: Who's idea was this?
PROS: Might someday rip out baby bear's throat and drink his
blood in front of a bunch of little kids.
CONS: Severe OCD.
FUN FACT: Could not decide on 'hand up the ass' joke or some
sort of 'sleeps in a felt coffin' 'vulnerable to puppet cross' type
joke.
COUNT
CHOCULA
I'll always be a
second class citizen at I-Mockery.com.
OVERVIEW: The first openly gay African-American undead kids
cereal mascot.
PROS: Marginally less swishy than Frankenberry.
CONS: Is it that good of an idea to have an undead, gay blood
sucking monster pushing sugary cereal on kids?
FUN FACT: At the time of his initiation into vampirism, he
was having a secret affair with Rock Hudson.
