Well kiddies, I've got
some chilling news for ya! Those merciless merchants of the macabre over at
Catalog have been kind enough to provide I-Mockery with all
sorts of Halloween goodies to feature this year! I tell ya, there's
nothing like having the UPS guy come up to your door before October
with a big box that has Fright Catalog stamped all over it. I could
tell by the look on his face that he thought some cult activities
were possibly taking place inside my home. Good, maybe that'll scare
him enough so that he doesn't deliver my packages to the wrong place
Anyway, the first Grab
Bag item we've got this year is probably one of the creepier masks
you'll find out there. I'm sure it's meant to be taken
lightheartedly, but in all seriousness, the thing is pretty hideous.
Yep, that's supposed
to be Michael Jackson, and let's be realistic here for a sec... even
he doesn't look that bad. Then again, maybe the creators of the mask
(Morbid Industries in case you're interested) have some way of
looking into the future. If that's the case, I'd love to know what
made the huge gash on his right cheek and why he's now apparently
being quite liberal with applying bright red lipstick.
I almost think people
wouldn't recognize it as Michael Jackson, and instead think you were
dressed up as some kind of a psycho zombie she-male junkie
prostitute. Er, scratch that.
psycho zombie she-male junkie prostitute. Wacko Jacko appears to be
losing a good chunk of his/her hair, which isn't making the ol' face
look any prettier.
That's how the hair is
attached to the mask. You know, I've never seen a "vagina knot"
before, but hey, I guess there's a first time for everything.
Anyway, I had to see
if putting on the mask did in fact make me feel like the king of
pop. I mean, he can be the most disturbed individual you'll ever
find... but he'll still always be the guy who made "Smooth
Criminal", "Beat It", "Billie Jean" and "Thriller".
Sure enough, within
minutes of putting on the freaky mask, I was moonwalking all over
the place. My crotch wasn't used to being grabbed in such a violent
fashion, but hey, I get lost in the moment. And speaking of lost...
Some of Michael's
other problems emerged from within me. I simply couldn't help
myself. There I was dangling an infant (who just happened to look
like a doll, but trust me, it was a real baby) from a deadly
height. What was wrong with me? Had I gone mad? NO! I JUST WASN'T
FEELING PRETTY ANY MORE AND I NEEDED SOME ATTENTION OK? OKAY!???
Don't worry though, I
quickly found a tube o' lipstick and made myself feel all better.
Yes, I was pretty once again...
OH SO PRETTY!
Big thanks to Fright Catalog for supplying us with
a bunch of great Halloween material to review this year!
We'll be featuring more of their crazy items this season, and
they've got an awesome Halloween supplies site, so please check it out and support 'em - FrightCatalog.com!