There are things on
this earth that man was not meant to see. Things that man wouldn't
want to see. Things that man shouldn't want to see. Yet
somehow, these things are brought out from the deepest, darkest
twisted dungeons where they were hidden away from society and soon
become part of urban lore. Then some company will hear rumors about
these disturbed things and decide that the public not only needs to
see them, but will want to purchase them!
Well my friends, when
I was in my local Party City looking through their Halloween goodies
I stumbled upon one of those horrible things that never should have
seen the light of day. Naturally, with my concerns for public
safety, I purchased this item so nobody else would be traumatized
for the rest of their lives. I present you with an item so bizarre
that the only appropriate name for it is... "THE WTF BALL!"
I imagine right about
now you're thinking something along the lines of, "WTF!?" Don't
worry, you're not alone. Even the girl at the register asked me,
"Uh, what is this?" I simply shrugged my head and replied, "I...
don't... know." While I didn't know what it was yet, I was
determined to get to the bottom of the mystery behind this bizarre
Halloween item if it killed me.
Ugly Eye Squish.
Ok, so is that supposed to be the name of this thing? Shouldn't it
at least be called "Ugly Eye Squishy Toy" or "Ugly Eye Squisher" or
"Squishy Putrid Testicle of Satan" ? Perhaps we'll learn more about
this thing from the back side of the card...
Perhaps not. We're not
supposed to puncture or cut it because the thing stains? How about
they be honest and say that puncturing or cutting this item would be
like unleashing the antichrist upon this world. Notice the name of
the company that created this item? "Unique Industries, Inc."
You know, I think this company just might be living up to it's name,
cuz I'll be damned if I've ever seen anything like this before.
Ok, it's time to take
this... this thing out of the package and investigate
Ok I'm now holding
"The WTF Ball" in my hands and I still stand by the title I gave it.
I have no fucking clue what this thing is supposed to be. If two
decided to have sex in a vat of toxic waste, I imagine this might be
what their offspring would look like... had it been aborted.
Ok, I'm gonna guess
this is the "eye" part of this little disaster. It's either that, or
the contents of an egg. Sure, it has a black dot in the center of
the yolk... but there's really no rhyme or reason when it comes to a
product like this.
Dear god, please don't
tell me that's what I think it is. There's nothing else is could be!
Egads it is! It's a BIG BLUE VAGINA! Holy shit! They put a
BIG BLUE VAGINA on the WTF Ball! Oh god, the glue just came
loose from it when I squeezed the ball!
craftsmanship. But wait a second, if this thing has a vagina does
that mean this thing can give birth to more bastardations of mother
nature!? Sure it's a twisted ball filled with chunky green ooze, but
it has a vagina. A goddamned blue vagina! The thing must be able to
WAIT! LOOK INSIDE
THE OOZE! THERE'S SOMETHING IN IT!
Come on RoG! You can
do it! Squeeze with all your might! Bring whatever that is buried
deep within the green ooze to the foreground so we can all see what
the hell it is!
YOU'VE ALMOST GOT
IT! KEEP SQUEEZING! SQUEEEEEZE!
Actually it's not my
grandma, but it's somebody's grandma... or something resembling a
grandma. So let me get this straight, this thing gives birth to
ELDERLY HEADS. Yeah, now you're starting to see why I named this
damned thing "The WTF Ball" aren't you!
BUT WAIT! THERE'S
STILL MORE IN THAT GREEN MESS!
A white pumpkin. A
white pumpkin with a FACE. Could this thing possibly get any
more bizarre? I mean really, could it? Yes...
An extremely happy
orange face!? How could there be an extremely happy ANYTHING
living inside this green hellball!? Well, this thing obviously had
sex with something... but what!? What creature would be sick enough
to have sex with this thing. Furthermore, what creature's seed would
create elderly people, white pumpkins, and happy orange faces? Maybe
another WTF ball had sex with it? Let's hope not.
After an in-depth
exploration of this item, I can only conclude with this: I have
no clue what it is. I would set it on fire in an attempt to
remove it from the earth forever, but it's too risky. For all I
know, giving this thing fire is like feeding a Mogwai fried chicken
after midnight. I'll just lock it in a lead box and bury it
somewhere out in the middle of nowhere, where nobody will ever find