A child's (and for the
purpose of this article, I think we'll define the word 'child' very
loosely) Halloween costume is a window on their soul. More than
simple wish fulfillment, the choice combines with the annual
cultural zeitgeist, becoming a vast, ever changing, kaleidoscopic
tarot that to the trained eye reveals more about the child beneath
the mask than even they may know.
The likelihood that your eye is trained is small, unless we're
speaking of an eye trained to spot which links on a Google search
page will yield the filthiest stimulation but not charge you for the
pleasure. My eye, on the other hand, is known for peering directly
into the soul of those it beholds. Actually, both my eyes do that,
which is good, because that way I see the soul in 3-D. So join me,
why don't you, metaphorically, as I explain WHAT YOUR HALLOWEEN
COSTUME CHOICE SAYS ABOUT YOU! I'd tell you not to try to pass
off my keen, scientific observations as your own while trying to
pick up a young lady who's costume is intended to be 'sexy', but we
both know that would be a wasted effort on my part. Which is ironic,
as your attempted pick up is also doomed to failure. DOOMED!
In previous years, the
Pirate costume has been popular amongst boys and girls who are at
heart far more rebellious than they appear. These are children, who
though they may be quiet and polite on the outside, strain at the
bonds of authority on the inside. They instinctively reject rules
and adult wisdom of all kinds, and have a rich fantasy life that
involves freedom, adventure, robbery, murder, stump fetishism and
scurvy. This year, however, all that has changed. The popularity of
the second “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies has rocketed the Pirate
costume to this years #1 costume choice. This means any child with a
true inner pirate would rather die than wear a pirate costume, which
now stinks of conformity. This years Pirates are more likely
children who are sheepish, afraid, outlandishly gay for Johnny Depp,
(boys) hopelessly lusting for the outlandishly gay Orlando Bloom
(girls and boys) and cross dressers unwilling to do what they really
want to do and dress like women (boys) or men (girls).
Once the most popular
Halloween costumes, the movie may now be older than you, but there
are still Chinese warehouses full of the masks. They can now be
obtained for around $1.20 a gross. Children choosing this costume
are personality free candy junkies, their 'trick or treat' no more
or less than a desperate cry for help.
This child is a girl,
or would like to be. If she's lucky, she's painfully shy and is
making what she knows is a safe Halloween choice. If she's not shy,
she's dull, dull, dull, so painfully dull that her own parents
frequently mistake her for the Swiffer. One variation is the child
who is specifically The Wicked Witch of the West from 'The Wizard of
Oz'. You can tell her from other 'witches' by her green face
paint, hunched posture, and constant barked 'I'll get you my pretty,
and your little dog, too.' And 'how about a little fire, Scarecrow'?
These are children who think they have far more to offer the world
than their generic witch counterparts. Sadly, they are wrong. Wicked
Witch of the West children should be encouraged to pair off for
Trick-or-Treating with girls who are Dorothy several Halloweens in a
row. As each child fills with loathing for the other, one can hope
some self knowledge will be born. Don't count on it, though.
Popular since the
great depression ended, prior to which you could only tell costumers
from the real deal by the smell, you should never give these
children treats. Their costume choice already illustrates that they
are all about the free ride, and they don't need encouragement. The
best you can do for these lazy, shiftless, responsibility shirking
little bastards is to tell them to get the hell off your porch and
get a job. Maybe this will help them wake up and stop dreaming of
the freedom that bone crushing poverty and homelessness almost
SOMEONE FROM 'LORD OF THE RINGS'
Here's another costume
choice that reflects sweeping societal change. Prior to the release
of the first Peter Jackson 'Lord of the Rings' movie (and let face
it, if you were even thinking of the Ralph Bakshi animated LOTR you
are a useless old fuck) (or the Rankin Bass 'Hobbit' and 'Return of
the King' made for TV movies, in which case you almost certainly
suffer from severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and are confused
and dangerous) the choice of an LOTR Halloween costume meant you
were the child of aloof, socially inept parents who were trying to
make you gay. Since the tremendously popular movies however, a LOTR
Halloween costume means you are gay. It should be noted that here I
do not mean 'gay' as in same sex attraction, but 'gay' as in 'gay
for Johnny Depp'. Interestingly, males attracted to Johnny Depp,
while gay, may not be gay, but often are both gay and gay.
SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN
This child may well
have Aspergers Syndrome, a tragic neurological disorder with a
hilarious name. Totally focused on their inner life, they are unable
to read any of the social cues a holiday Like Halloween is full of.
They do not understand that when an adult says 'Oh, aren't you cute?
What are you supposed to be?' they are just being polite. They are
uninterested in hearing an oral doctoral dissertation on how your
costume is 'Cinderella at the stroke of midnight, caught halfway
between a ball gown and rags' or 'what Buzz Lightyear would have
looked like if he wasn't a toy and existed in the Star Wars Universe
and trained as a Jedi but was seduced by the dark side and became
the most powerful Sith Lord ever.' Sadly, this child cannot even
decode the boredom they induce, and so will require outside adult
control to learn to function successfully in the adult world. Or
they're just a self-involved, boring little sack of crap. Not every
jerk kid has a bona fide disorder. Some of them just suck. Sorry,
parents, but that's the hard truth. Tough love.
This is just a joke.
It refers to the deliberate use of an elitist term in the
introductory paragraph that went unexplained just so I could make
this joke now. I mean, how the hell would a kid dress as The
Cultural Zeitgeist? Except that one year when everybody was wearing
OJ Simpson Masks. Man, was that sick or what? Is it any wonder the
whole world hates us?
A POWER RANGER
The soulless little
vermin should be corralled into camps and set on fire. I shit you
not. Okay, okay, when the craze first started, fine. But what was
that, like a hundred and fifty years ago? AND THEY KEEP COMING!
Every damn year hordes of little mouth breathing, troglodytic
bastards capering across America's lawns making spastic little faux
Karate moves as if it could hide the truth, which is that they yearn
for the faceless, blameless anonymity of Nazi mob. It should be
legal to open fire on them. IMPORTANT NOTE: It is not legal to open
fire on them.
Sexy kitty, sexy
Witch, sexy Vampiress, sexy Nurse, sexy Goth Girl, sexy Whore, sexy
Girl Scout, sexy Girl Scout Whore, it hardly matters. The 'Sexy'
costume, an exclusively female phenomenon, can mean several things.
On an adult woman, it signifies both repression and desire. On an
adult sexy woman (i.e. Sexy prior to costume) we see a faulty body
image. An adult non-sexy woman in the 'Sexy' costume reveal inner
repression, sexual shame and startling denial in thinking fishnets and
darkness will take the place of diet, exercise and self-esteem. On a
teenage girl we see dawning sexuality; confused, misunderstood,
awkward, possibly the daughter of parents who in earlier years made
her dress as Galadriel the Elf Queen. On a child, the 'Sexy' costume
is a direct indication she should be placed in foster care as soon
as possible, unless she is already in foster care in which case she
should be ignored until something horrible happens and then
everybody can get outraged until they forget about it and it happens
again. In the event the 'sexy costume' is used on a dog or cat, you
need to get to know the owner. 'Cause they are hot.
This choice might mean
all sorts of interesting, laudable things about you if you had at
your disposal a Hollywood costumer. Since you don't, this costume
means you are in super denial about what a super chubby super wiener
you really are.
YOU FOUND SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #4!
COLLECT ALL 12 FOR A SURPRISE!
*copy this URL
down, you'll need it once you've found all 12 cards!*
We're not talking
precocious "Danger, danger Will Robinson" Billy Mumy here. Not
"Fish Heads" Barnes & Barnes Bill Mumy, not even Hippy Dippy
"Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown" playin' "Bless the Beasts and the
Children" pop culture footnote Billy Mumy (which by the way is
pronounced M-YOU-ME, and not Mummy). We're talking perhaps the most
perfectly chilling performance a child star ever gave that makes "I
see Dead People" and "Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrance" look
like the weak sisters they are. Twilight Zone, episode 73, "It's a
Good Life". The great Rod Serling wrote this story of what might
happen if a typical tyke had the powers of a God, but Billy Mummy gave
us the blank, innocent, amoral face of the monster lurking inside
every kid. "It's good you did that Anthony. It's real good."
Find all 12 "Scary-Ass
Trading Cards" this October (2006) and you'll not only get a
special 13th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be
entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will
be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the month of
October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file
whenever you find them.
Once you have
collected the URLs of all 12 cards, simply email them to
email@example.com with the subject line
"I-Mockery's Scary-Assed Trading Cards!" and you will have the
special 13th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a
Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!
NOT email the actual card
graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of
the 12 cards which you can find directly underneath them.