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I-Mockery Takes A Trip To Amish Country!
by: Protoclown


Well, I guess this sums up how the Amish feel about alcohol. Not too surprising, when you think about it. What the hell else do they have to do?

I managed to snap a quick shot of this buggy as it fled from my soul-capturing photographic device. I didn't even notice him as I took the picture, but the kid in the back looks kind of pissed. WELL, I HAVE YOUR SOUL NOW, BOY!

The Amish may be lagging behind the rest of the country in a lot of areas, but it's refreshing to know that they're still on the up and up as far as capitalism goes. They could do better though—do you see how cheap those shirts are?

This shirt really kind of says it all. I'm not sure what it's saying though, because I'm too afraid to listen.

This one store had some enlightening reading material. I learned all about how to be a witch!

I don't know what it is about the Amish and creepy-as-hell dolls, but they sure to have the market cornered on that.

Seriously, would you trust this fucking thing in your house? You know it's going to grab a knife and try to kill you while you sleep.

Suicidal sad dolls for the manic depressive or terminally bored.

I don't know what Shoo Fly pie is, but I am to not ever find out.

I loved this whole little setup here. It's like the strangely-effeminate-yet-somehow-male doll is screaming at the valium-and-booze-cocktail-glazed-eyes doll over some petty disagreement or another. Hey, they must be married!

Somebody somewhere is actually going to buy this and put it on their wall. Just think about that. Seriously, take a few moments to think about that. There's nothing I can say about it that's worse than what you just thought.

Surely this must have been an out of town visitor? But I like to think the bike may have belonged to ol' Jebediah Blades, rebel among the people.

This guy reminds me of something out of that horror movie Troll.

Wait, let me get this straight—they're selling a topless mermaid? In an Amish store? And that's not all—I saw all kinds of topless little faeries and sprites for sale.

This horse is pretty nightmarish (no pun intended). Just look at its insane teeth!

Is that little pig on the big one's shoulder mooning us?

You know that old commercial where the Indian cries a single tear when he sees some white dude littering? Well, I think this is worth a whole bucket of tears.

This Garden of Horrors just creeps me the hell out. Who wants to see this shit every day they walk out of their house? Who!??

I don't even know what I was doing here. But hey, check out the way that window back there is boarded up… with a quilt.

Say what you will about the Amish being sexually repressed, but they do want you to ask for a lightning lube.

Wait a minute—we're in Berlin now? Why didn't they have that Hitler-looking dude in this little town?

Der Bake Oven. Yep, definitely feeling like we're in Germany now.

If this shop was anything remotely like that doll room from before, I'll count myself damned lucky that we didn't go in.

At one point during the day we passed a small roadside bar with a bunch of motorcycles sitting outside. And that's what I thought of when I saw all these buggies parked alongside each other here. Amish thugs like to roll in groups.

I love how insanely snooty this guy looks. Not exactly the most welcoming or inviting doorman, is he?

One truly insane thing the Amish enjoy doing is spending quality time with their families. The words "family fun night" alone are enough to send chills down most people's spines.

Once again, they try to terrify us "normal folk" with their demonic looking dolls and statues.

And that pretty well sums up the types of things I saw. If you're ever considering passing through Amish territory on your way through the Midwest… don't. Just don't.

I think this final picture of an Amish dude walking off into the sunset (it was midday, but let's just pretend) really wraps things up nicely. I HAVE YOUR SOUL, DUDE!!! I HAVE YOU SOUL!

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email Protoclown

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