Outside of
his fantasy video game world, things aren't going too well for J.J. When
he gets home, dad shoves a bad report card in his face and decides to cut J.J. off
completely from trips to the arcade. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL!
GO TO HELL! I HATE THE BOTH OF YOU!" he
cries to his parents. Well I do J.J., I understand you. I understand your desire to be a
winner in life by being a winner in video games. I also understand that
you have a...
RAT TAIL!
Fuck all of
you people obsessed with the mullet hairstyle, in my book it doesn't get
any better than the Rat Tail! And look at J.J., he's sporting quite a nice
lil' rat tail indeed! Bring back the rat tail people. Bring it back and
you too can be truly punk like J.J. DO IT.
But like any
rebel without a clue (but with a rat tail) J.J. sneaks out of his room
later that night while his parents are asleep and heads for the Fox Hills
mall. Now I don't know about malls in other states, but where I live, we
have a thing called mall security. I'm not claiming they're an elite squad
of highly trained killers, but chances are that they'd catch me in the act
if I tried breaking into the place. Or at the very least, I'd set off some
kind of security alarm. But the only thing you need to gain full access to
the Fox Hills mall is apparently a screwdriver. No alarms, no guards,
nothing. Somebody please tell me where this mall is, it'll save me a hell
of a lot of cash when it comes time for xmas shopping this year.
Anyway, J.J.
heads straight for the arcade and turns on the Bishop of Battle game. No
crowds, no time limits — just J.J and the Bishop of Battle... and the rat tail.
He's extremely confident tonight, and not even the worst button
configuration is going to stand in his way.
Fueled by
the power of punk, J.J. overcomes the odds and he makes it to level 13!
Way to go J.J.! Now you're part of the gaming elite along with that "kid
from Jersey" that you kept blabbering about.
But not so
fast, it looks as though the Bishop of Battle is a sore loser, because
right after he beats level 12, the machine starts violently shaking and
then falls apart with an impressive display of fireworks. And yes, they
actually used silly little fireworks. I think they should've had a couple
of crappy sparklers or cobras just to add to the cheesiness of the
machine's collapse.
You are very, very good Earthling. You have just reached level 13.
Welcome! Let's begin..."
He's down,
but he's not out. The Bishop still lives! And now he's brought the game
into the real world! Bet you didn't see that one coming eh? Yeah I know,
it's a really deep plot. So basically, this movie has gone from "Struggle
of Punk Rock Rat Tail Boy" to "Pseudo-TRON" in a matter of minutes. Sure
why not? Works for me.
Now the
minions of the Bishop are after J.J., but he manages to grab the crappy
gun controller and EGADS! IT SHOOTS REAL LASERS! So now J.J. has
discovered what the elusive level 13 is... it's a fight for his life.
Well, I have to say, J.J. does a decent job gunning down some of the
Bishop's minions... along with practically every awesome game in that
arcade. It's really heartbreaking seeing some of those machines explode.
Well, J.J.
makes a run for it into the mall parking garage, and for some reason he
left the gun behind. I mean, sure, it's a piece of shit like I said
before... but the thing was saving his life there just a few
minutes ago. And now the Bishop of Battle appears before him annnnnnd........
"YOUR HEAD A SPLODE!"
Yes,
that's right folks... the Bishop of Battle ATE J.J. Cooney.
The next
day, J.J.'s parents and his friend are worried about him since he vanished
the other night. Being the sleuths that they are, they decide to check out
the local arcade to see if he's there. Everyone is stunned to find that
almost all of the games of been destroyed... all but one. Amazingly, the
Bishop of Battle machine rebuilt itself and is working fine. But wait,
there's something new about the game. J.J. is trapped in it!
In the
end, I think the reason his fate is so horrifying isn't because he's
trapped in a video game forever. Hell, I think that could be a pretty cool
way to go. But no, the tragedy about J.J.'s fate is that he's trapped in
a sucky video game. That would be like being trapped in Gilligan's
Island for the NES, and nobody deserves punishment like that. Nobody.
