somewhere else in the sewers on the other end of town, George Cooper and Murphy (a freelance
reporter who is trying to get a "big story") are looking around in the
sewers for evidence. Well, their detective work was a little too good,
because they find a C.H.U.D. which once again, grabs Murphy by the
throat and then shows off those pearly whites...
REMEMBER KIDS! FLOSS DAILY!
wisely hightails it outta there, but elsewhere in the sewers, the Reverend
is still trying to find an alternate exit. Instead, he finds what I can only
assume is the main den of the C.H.U.D. They appear to be worshipping a
large puddle of vomit, or it could just be really old soggy cabbage.
Either way, they're not too happy when they hear the Reverend accidentally
kick over a few rocks, disturbing their cabbage worship.
runs outta there as fast as he possibly can, dropping his Geiger counter
in the process. Well, I guess since he has monsters chasing him it's not
gonna come in that handy anymore. I mean, he KNOWS they're in the room,
you don't need a stupid machine to tell ya that.
Well I'll be damned! It really works!
George's apartment, his girlfriend Lauren wanders down into the basement
just because she saw a door to it and felt the urge to "check it out"(?). What
she finds is a cute little dead puppy hanging from its neck. Awww. So in case
you were wondering, here's how the C.H.U.D. deal with different earthly creatures
Children: Leave them mentally scarred for life.
Hang the little critters.
not be any real logic behind the C.H.U.D., but you gotta admit, when it
comes to fucking up lives... they get the job done one way or another. And
speaking of which, it's time to fuck up the life of Captain Bosch.
reported seeing something dead in the water. What he didn't say is that it was
Bosch's wife! Man, she was quite a looker. Bosch must have had a big
heart... what with marrying a gal who had no body 'n all. Sorry Bosch,
tough break. Keep your chin up pal, for there's C.H.U.D. to battle! Anyway,
back to Cooper's apartment.
With no gore
in the movie, you'd think there would at least be some cleavage right?
Wrong. Nontheless, once Lauren starts to get undressed, the C.H.U.D. start
coming up from the basement. And here we learn another important horror
Monsters always come for the nude.
She hops in
the shower and the drain quickly becomes clogged. Perhaps she finally
popped that big zit on her ass and the puss clogged up the drain? Well I'm
happy to report she didn't... for even I couldn't stomach a scene that
utterly horrific. She pokes around in there with a coathanger and
apparently she jabs a C.H.U.D. with it! How the giant C.H.U.D. creatures
can fit in a tiny drain pipe will forever baffle me. Nonetheless, it spurts out a
ton of blood all over the place. And it is as this point which I feel the film's most
horrifying moment is shown to the viewer. Behold!
means, take a break if you need to. Go for a walk... collect yourself.
Seeing a bloody bar of soap isn't easy to stomach. Calm down... it's gonna
Ok, do ya
feel better now? Good. Don't feel too bad. After all, they say what
doesn't kill you only makes you stronger... right? Perhaps not. Anyway,
let's move onward to another C.H.U.D. star cameo!
WHOAH! IT'S JOHN GOODMAN!
Goodman and his buddy cop walk into the local diner to get some burgers
and hit on the waitress. He did this movie right after he did Revenge
of the Nerds. To this day I still can't decide if that was a step up
or down in his career. Unfortunately, all we get to see is Goodman
flirting with the waitress for a few seconds before the diner gets
overrun with more of those pesky C.H.U.D. They could have at least shown
him duking it out with a C.H.U.D., but no. What happens next? You know the
C.H.U.D. ATTACK. EVERYBODY DIES.
As you can
see, the diner is torn to shreds... but once again, they never show any of
the actual massacre. All we ever see is a glimpse of the bloody aftermath.
Bastards! Well, at least now there's no way in hell Wilson and his corrupt company
can cover-up the truth about the C.H.U.D. any longer. But we'll get back
to Wilson and his evil plans shortly. First we have to return to Cooper's
apartment one more time.
NINJA GIRL vs. C.H.U.D.
bathed in blood in her own shower, Lauren does her best to barricade
herself inside the apartment. But a desk and a door isn't enough to stop
the almighty C.H.U.D.! So, she picks up a nearby sword (don't ask) and
creeps down like a ninja waiting to pounce on her prey. Now this is where
things make even less sense. The C.H.U.D. walks in and sees her with the
sword, but instead of attacking her, it forces it's neck to stretch out
really high making it easier for her to decapitate it. Why they didn't just
have it hold up a sign that said "SLASH YOUR
SWORD RIGHT HERE!" is beyond me. Since it apparently wants her to chop
off its head, she slices away and we finally get to see some C.H.U.D.
gurgles. It bubbles. It crackles. It's C.H.U.D. BLOOD!
still hungry! Hungry for ankle! C.H.U.D. LOVE ANKLE! Sadly, she
boots the hungry severed head into the corner, and his flashlight eyes
slowly burn out. I swear, this is the one moment in the movie that almost
made me cry. Almost...
Ok I did
at the scene of the diner massacre, Bosch and Wilson get into an argument
about the cover-up. We now learn that C.H.U.D. also stands for "Contamination
Hazard Urban Disposal". I dunno, somehow I don't think
the movie would be as infamous if they used that for the title. So... Bosch punches Wilson and then runs off to uncover the
manhole that is blocking the Reverend and Cooper (who magically ran
into each other in the sewers). Bosch frees them, but then Wilson comes
back and guns him down. Oh well, you were a trooper Bosch. By the way,
someone spilled ketchup on your shirt. Actually I'm not even sure if he
really dies or not, the ending is kinda hazy on the details there.
then tries to run down the rest of the survivors with a truck, but the
Reverend is here to save the day! He picks up a gun and shoots Wilson
straight through the chest! Way to go Rev! It's good to see Daniel Stern
kicking some ass. But then they decide that a gunshot through the chest
So what do
They have the truck explode for no real reason whatsoever. Sure.
In the long
run, C.H.U.D. certainly was a movie. A movie that I watched. A movie where
people aren't scared to walk the streets of New York alone in the middle
of the night. A movie where homeless people turn into monsters with
flashlight eyes. A movie with a bloody bar of soap. Even with all of these
things in mind, there's one thing that still keeps me up at night...
The Quarter-Eating Bandit is still out there!
(and yes I will be reviewing "C.H.U.D.
2" at some point...
which is completely unrelated to the original C.H.U.D.)
Want to witness C.H.U.D. in all of its glory?
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