The greatest commercial
ever. That's right... EVER. I'm sure you can think of quite a few
commercials from the past that were really good. But, if you had to pick
just one, what would it be? Could it be Wendy's classic "Where's The
Beef?" campaign? Could it be Outpost.com's Gerbil Cannon ad (which I'm
sure half of you have never seen anyway)? Could it be Wilford Brimley
talking about his eerie passion for Quaker Oats? Well, all those commercials
are fine and dandy, but there's one commercial out there that DESTROYS all
other good commercials combined...
Ahh Japan... such a busy
place. A place of technological wonder. A place that brought us that
insanely angry looking brown monster known as "Domo-Kun". A place where
bands like "Firehouse" can amazingly still make a living. One thing that's
really popular in Japan is Western celebrities. So, what better way for a
celebrity to make a quick buck than to charge absurd prices to do a
Japanese commercial right? Well the folks at
japander have
archived tons of Japanese commercials that feature Western celebrities,
but honestly... most of the commercials are weak. If you're lucky, the
celebrity will speak once during the entire commercial, and walk away with
some sickening amount of cash for doing so. You can even tell that with
most of the bits, the celebrity isn't even into it. They just want to finish
the commercial, get their paycheck, and get the hell outta there. But
there is one celebrity who doesn't stoop that low. One celebrity who truly
EARNED every cent that he was paid. In fact, I'm guessing that he was
UNDERPAID for such an astounding performance. He put so much effort
into this one performance that it deserves your complete and undivided
attention. And just what brilliant
actor am I speaking of? Why it's none other than...
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!
That's right folks,
Ahhhnold himself holds the proud title of "GREATEST COMMERCIAL EVER". But,
since so many of you are naysayers by nature (as you should be), allow me
to take you on a tour of this insane, yet brilliant commercial.
Note: Before I start picking apart this commercial for you, please
understand that I have absolutely NO understanding of the Japanese
language. If I were to visit Japan, I would probably be found naked,
trembling, and penniless in a gutter within 5 minutes of stepping off the
plane.
Ok, so from the start it
appears that Arnold is is playing Mahjong with his Japanese
buddies. Arnold is also looking particularly nerdy today for a giant musclehead. But,
when he unveils what word he has come up with, the guy sitting next to him
basically freaks out. I guess it wasn't a real Japanese word that he came
up with. I dunno... he could've insulted somebody's family for all I know.
Again, I don't speak Japanese. Now I can't be sure, but I think the guy
sitting next to him called Arnold an "ignorant flabby bastard". I only say
this because Arnold runs away from the table in shame really fast.
Having shamed himself,
Arnold goes and hides behind a wall while the guys at his table argue
about the improperly formed word. How on earth can Arnold possibly redeem
himself at this point? Sorry Arnold, saying A funny line like "It's notta
tuu-mah!" isn't gonna get you out of this hairy situation. You're gonna
have to do something WAY better than that if you want to save your honor!
So what does he do?
"YOSH!"
He reaches into his
pocket and shoves a drink right into the camera (sparkle effects 'n all)
and shouts out a mighty "YOSH!". This is the point in the commercial in
which all hope of logic and reason flies right out the window.
I swear, seeing this pic alone could keep some kids in therapy for years.
You know that rush that
you used to get whenever Prince Adam raised his sword in the air and
yelled, "I HAVE THE POWER!", which transformed him into He-Man? What
happens here is 10 times more emotionally staggering. Arnold is literally
transformed into the worlds greatest entertainer within seconds! The drink
drags down over his nerdy face, tearing apart his flesh, and then
unveiling the new and improved Arnold! He now has glowing eyes and a
jacket so schnazzy that it would make Rod Roddy cower in fear. I swear to
fucking god folks, this part had me crying. CRYING! And it doesn't
stop there.
All of a sudden the
screen flashes and you have Arnold flying through the air, directly at you
with the drink in his hand. He even shouts something that, again, I have
no idea what it means. It sounds like "moooweee bwaaaaain!"... which might
be Japanese for, "My brain!", suggesting that his brain is on sensory
overload. And now comes the pinnacle of insanity...
Arnold lands back at the
table where he was once sitting and one of his pals is getting buried
alive in noodles, or paper shreds, or god knows what. And they're all
loving it! But the way Arnold laughs, holy god damn... it never ends! He
just keeps laughing and laughing and laughing as he proudly displays the
chaos he has created. "AH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA
HAAAAAAAA!" I can still hear it ringing in my head, accompanied by some
sickeningly cute music that would fit in perfectly with a Hello Kitty
commercial just as easily.
"BWAIN!"
Then cut to the final
scene in which we see a close-up of superstar Arnold holding the drink
that I *think* they're trying to advertise. He says "Bwain!" once more, so
I guess that's the name of the drink, or he's just saying that his brains
have been liquefied and stored in this convenient container. Either way,
after seeing this commercial, I now must have a taste of this "Bwain"
drink, because I'm convinced it will make me a flying, psychotic,
manically-laughing superstar within seconds of chugging it down.
So there
you have it. Don't even try to argue with me on this one, this isn't an opinion.
This is a simple fact. It is truly the greatest commercial EVER!
There's also a sequel to
this commercial in which Arnold saves his gal from rapists. Though the
commercial isn't as good as the original, it still rules. The drink
transforms Arnold once again, and he is actually able to levitate the bad
guys in midair! :0
[Click
here to view the full .mov file of the commercial!]
