Sure! Why kill them when you can take them hostage
so that they all have the chance to escape, right?
In part 2 of
Cyndi's video we are quickly informed that she and the rest of the Goonies
were taken to the pirate ship. They don't exactly explain how Cyndi was
captured or anything, but I'm guessing one of them lured her off the log
with a big can of hairspray.
OCTOPUS!
That old
sea-hag apparently has an appetite for Japanese cuisine, and since there's
no "Last Chance Hibachi" on the ship, she tells Cyndi to go fetch some
sushi. So Cyndi ends up having to battle a giant octopus and cut off
one of its tentacles just in order to feed her captors. And yes, this IS
the infamous "deleted scene octopus" that we've all heard so many
(horrible) things about. As you may recall, at the end of The Goonies,
they talk about how they had to battle an octopus. I always wondered what
the hell they were talking about. Well the octopus was a horribly
unrealistic looking puppet, and if you
buy the dvd, you'll understand exactly why the scene was deleted. It
really is that bad. I should also note that the octopus looks EXACTLY like
the one from Popeye the movie.
While Cyndi
battled the giant octopus I noticed that there were now some additional
pirates on the ship that magically appeared from nowhere. Female pirates.
Wait a second, those are just any female pirates...
HOLY SHIT, IT'S THE BANGLES!
Well I'll be
damned, first they were walking like Egyptians and now they're pirates.
These gals sure are multi-cultural. But what have they got against Cyndi
Lauper, huh? You'd think they'd be on her side as opposed to helping out
Rowdy Roddy Piper. It must have been his boyish good lucks that swooned
them...
Hmm, perhaps not.
Soon enough,
Cyndi and the Goonies break free and take the sea-hag hostage. Chunk
somehow gains superhuman strength as he literally tears off his iron
shackles. Hey, don't look at me, I didn't write the script for this damned
thing. Anyway, Cyndi and the gang soon find "the treasure", which is
filled with all sorts of fake jewels that even the Home Shopping Network
would be wary of selling. Nonetheless, they toss some of the jewels to the
pirates to distract them and...
Well, it worked.
Pirate Rowdy
Roddy Piper literally dives for the jewels and begins twitching on the
ground. I'm not sure if it's his greed for the jewels that caused this or
if it's just one of his attention stunts. He always was a hyper-obnoxious
fella, so nobody seems to be surprised or in a rush to see what's wrong
with him.
My heroes! *SMOOOOOOOCH*
While the
pirates are all distracted with Roddy's antics, the Goonies all give the
remaining jewels to Cyndi Lauper so that she can pay off the creditors and
save Mom & Pop's gas station. What noble youngsters those Goonies are. You
kids could learn a thing or two from them... you selfish maggots.
Cyndi
returns from the hidden cave, happy as can be, for she finally has
the moola to save Mom & Pop's gas shop. Unfortunately, the creditors feel
like being bastards and tell Cyndi that her money is no good. I wouldn't
accept fake jewelry either, but still, they're obviously just being
assholes. Time after time, Cyndi and her family have been shat
upon... I guess there's only one thing to do, right?
YOOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!
Completely
frustrated, Cyndi turns around and whistles as loud as she can. A huge
pink cloud flashes onto the screen. The cloud soon dissipates only to
reveal...
Really
folks, can a video get much better than this? I don't fucking think so.
Yes indeedy, Andre the Giant appears out of thin air to aid Cyndi Lauper
in her time of need. Apparently, he's her magical genie. My only question
is: WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SHE CALL HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE!? Sadly,
this question will never be answered. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy
watching Andre smashing everybody in his path!
ANDRE SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!
After making
short work of the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkov, Andre the Giant sets his
sights on Rowdy Roddy Piper. Sorry Roddy, all the hyperactive shouting in
the world can't get you out of this one. Andre comes damn near close to
raping the piper, but comes up with his jacket instead.
Piper makes
a run for it, tries to pull a Grand Theft Auto... and fails miserably. So
he and the rest of the battered creditors run off into the distance, never
to be heard from again... or at least until the next Wrestlemania. Anyway,
in the end Mom & Pop's Gas Shop has been saved thanks to Andre the Giant.
So what have we learned here kids? If you're ever in trouble and you've
nowhere else to turn, just let out a whistle and Andre the Giant will
appear before your very eyes in a genie outfit to help you in your time of
need. Either that, or he'll just eat all your food.
