If there's one thing
you have to do, it's catch one of those snakes. Scratch that, you need
to catch ALL of those snakes. The last thing you need is to have the
wife or the kids get bitten by some snakes in your basement. She'd
surely divorce your sorry ass and win the custody battle over the kids
too. And while deep down, you'd love the freedom of not having custody
of the kids or the wife nagging you about snakes being in the basement,
you don't have the cajones to go through that kind of an ordeal. So
catch the snakes it is.
You put on your
favorite pair of wrangler jeans, because... that's what you wear when
you're gonna be a wranglin' some snakes. Now, you're not the biggest fan
of snakes by any means, but you're also not deathly afraid of 'em like
Indiana Jones or some shit. Then again, if you had one-sixteenth of an
exciting life as Jones, you wouldn't be sitting here in this sad little
suburban basement worrying about a snake infestation. You'd be
bitchslapping Nazis and throwing them off of a giant zeppelin.
With nothing to lose
but your pathetic excuse for a life, you try to grab a snake in the same
way that the Crocodile Hunter would. After all, you've seen all of his
TV episodes, so that makes you just as qualified as him, right? Sure it
does. It's the same way that watching hundreds of martial arts movies
has made you an expert in MMA, without ever having actually done any
kind of training whatsoever!
Wow, that really didn't
work out. Does this mean that watching countless TV episodes on a
particular subject doesn't necessarily make you an expert in that field?
You would ponder this a bit more, but these basement snakes have a
particularly brutal venom which causes necrosis to occur mere seconds
after being bitten.