Before going any
further, you need to rid yourself of this giant walking carpet, you
decide. After all, he's just going to get in the way, and if it rains,
you're pretty sure he's going to stink like hell.
"Ruggy," you say warmly, "before embarking on this joyous adventure
together, let us share a hug!" Ruggy makes a sound like a retarded kid
excitedly devouring pudding, which you can only assume means he's all
for it. Yes, yes, that's it, just a little closer... and
*SNAP*, you twist Ruggy's neck sharply and he crumples like a
ragdoll, a rugged Ruggy ragdoll in your arms. Now that you're rid of the
dead weight, you unceremoniously dump him from the vehicle and speed off
to adventure!
And oh, what grand adventures you have! From the dart throwing contest
with the Cheese Eater Brigade to the rather explosive nuclear
family yard sale, from the underwater game of Mr. Mouth with Dr.
Squidnarok, to the Toothbrush Apocalypse, your life has been nothing but
one grand adventure after another, filled with lots of experience and
treasure.
But it's not until you're deep in the heart of the castle of the dreaded
Lollipop King that you realize your mistake. You need a distraction for
his mean-looking hall guard Balthazar the Unmerciful, and one of the
NPCs from the village earlier inexplicably told you out of the blue that
Balthazar the Unmerciful loves some o' dat gremlin poontang. You're not
sure that ol' Ruggy was a girl, per se, but you're pretty sure that you
could have snuck past the hall guard while he tried to shag the fuck (or
is that fuck the shag?) out of your rugged, Ruggy friend, regardless of
its gender.
You check your
inventory for other helpful items, but everything you pick up causes the
words "you cannot use that here" to appear in the air before you. How...
odd. You try going back the way you came and you can't, blocked by an
invisible wall that demands you keep moving forward. You move forward,
and Balthazar the Unmerciful totally kills you in like one hit, snapping
you in half with his huge claw and causing your guts and blood to
splatter everywhere.
