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Fantastic Four - The 1994 Roger Corman Unreleased Live-Action Feature Film!
by: -RoG-


Since the four of them are stranded in some remote mountain, they decide to set up a campfire and wait to be rescued. They realize that they're off the radar and it could be days before anybody finds them. Johnny Storm, being the overdramatic chump that he is, begins to panic about all of the changes they're going through. It's a fantastic display of bad acting, complete with his head and arms flailing about in the whiniest way you could possibly conceive. It almost looks as though he's in a fight with the very air that surrounds him. Poor Johnny.

"ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALIVE!?" These are the cries of Doctor Doom when his henchmen report that their surveillance indicates that the Fantastic Four survived both the explosion and their plummet down to earth. The newspaper, however, is reporting that Reed Richards and his crew are presumed dead. City officials then decide to hire a sculptor to create a tribute to these four brave souls. Wanna take a guess who's gonna be doing the job?

Yep, Ms. Masters is on the job and when she receives the models of each of their heads, she recognizes the feel of Ben Grimm's face from when she ran into him earlier in the film. It's too bad too... before the model heads were delivered to her, she was engaging in some kind of highly erotic moment with the clay in which she rubbed the clay from her sculpture of Ben over her lips. Word on the street is that, in the director's cut of the movie, she actually rubbed the clay all over her body and had a wild time with it in a nearby hot tub soon after. Creepy.

Question: How many evil henchman does it take to kidnap a blind woman? Sounds like a joke doesn't it? Well, the sad truth is that it apparently takes about EIGHT. Yes, the Jeweler actually sends that many of his homeless henchmen out to kidnap her and bring them back to his underground lair so she can be crowned queen. If it takes eight of them to kidnap a blind woman, somehow I don't think they're gonna fare too well against Doctor Doom and his minions when they come to take the diamond cluster. It's just a hunch.

Later that night, military officials show up at the camp site to escort the four of them to debriefing. Ben Grimm then appears as the thing, and what's hilarious is that he doesn't even realize it until people point it out. Like you wouldn't notice that your entire body is now made of stone!? Of course, Johnny "Overactor McGee" Storm is completely freaked out by this, but it pales in comparison to Ben's own reaction. "What kind of a THING have I turned into!?" And then his emotions truly get the best of him...


Now we're back at a medical facility for some hilarious hijinks involving a doctor who is trying to perform some tests on the Fantastic Four but they keep backfiring on him. First, he offers The Thing a seat while he takes a blood sample, but his weight crushes the seat instantly and he ends up on the floor. HAR HAR! Next, Johnny figures out how to use his fire by saying "Flame On! Flame Off!" and practically scorches the doctor in the process. BWAHAHAH!

Now it's Sue's turn for a shot and she reappears behind the doctor, scaring the crap out of him and making him stab himself with the syringe needle. CHORTLE!! And finally, to protect himself and his things from any more harm, the doctor asks Reed to take his own blood. Reed is happy to oblige and reaches out his long arm to take the syringe while the doctor stares in bewilderment. GUFFAWS ABOUND!!!!!!!

And this concludes our sequence of hilarity. We now return you back to the low-budget Fantastic Four mess already in progress.

We learn the horrific truth that the Fantastic Four weren't rescued by the military, but they were in fact captured by Doctor Doom's henchmen! He's having his physician pal study the four in order to find out how to extract the power of Colossus from them so he can become the most powerful man alive. It also gets a little creepy as he caresses the guy's lips with his clanky fingers. Is it not enough that he has his subordinates work like slaves for him? Must Doctor Doom also sexually harass them as well? That kind of stress on the job is surely gonna lead to poor productivity on the part of the workers if you ask me. That's just bad management.

Before he can extract their powers, however, Doctor Doom needs the diamond cluster from the Jeweler thief geezer guy. At first, he sends out his henchmen to offer to pay for the diamond - an uncharacteristically generous act from Doctor Doom if I do say so myself. The Jeweler refuses the offer because he has promised it to his queen who is now tied up and gagged in his lair. And you thought all people of royalty lived the good life? Think again, pal.

Back at the pseudo-lab, the Fantastic Four realize something isn't right with the place, so they decide to knock out the doctors and make an escape to see what's up. They have The Thing fight the doctors, but instead of showing a real fight, in a display of unfathomable awfulness (considering this was made in 1994), they freeze the frame and spin the screen around 360 degrees a few times while playing punching sound effects to give the illusion of a fight taking place. WOW. They really know how to stretch that 1.5 million budget, eh?

So anyway, the three of them put on the protective outfits to disguise themselves and leave the room while The Thing stays behind to keep a look out.

After jumping one of the guards and messing with his computer, they soon find a way out of the place, or so they think, and the alarm sounds. We're then treated to a most impressive display of power as The Thing smashes his way through a door made of cardboard. Whew! It's a good thing he's made of stone, otherwise he would've gotten a nasty paper cut recklessly smashing through cardboard like that!


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