four of them are stranded in some remote mountain, they decide to set up a
campfire and wait to be rescued. They realize that they're off the radar
and it could be days before anybody finds them. Johnny Storm, being the
overdramatic chump that he is, begins to panic about all of the changes
they're going through. It's a fantastic display of bad acting, complete
with his head and arms flailing about in the whiniest way you could
possibly conceive. It almost looks as though he's in a fight with the very
air that surrounds him. Poor Johnny.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALIVE!?" These are the cries of Doctor Doom when
his henchmen report that their surveillance indicates that the Fantastic
Four survived both the explosion and their plummet down to earth. The newspaper,
however, is reporting that Reed Richards and his crew are presumed dead.
City officials then decide to hire a sculptor to create a tribute to these
four brave souls. Wanna take a guess who's gonna be doing the job?
Masters is on the job and when she receives the models of each of their
heads, she recognizes the feel of Ben Grimm's face from when she ran into
him earlier in the film. It's too bad too... before the model heads were
delivered to her, she was engaging in some kind of highly erotic moment
with the clay in
which she rubbed the clay from her sculpture of Ben over her lips. Word on
the street is that, in the director's cut of the movie, she actually
rubbed the clay all over her body and had a wild time with it in a nearby
hot tub soon after. Creepy.
Question: How many
evil henchman does it take to kidnap a blind woman? Sounds like a joke
doesn't it? Well, the sad truth is that it apparently takes about EIGHT.
Yes, the Jeweler actually sends that many of his homeless henchmen out to
kidnap her and bring them back to his underground lair so she can be
crowned queen. If it takes eight of them to kidnap a blind woman, somehow
I don't think they're gonna fare too well against Doctor Doom and his
minions when they come to take the diamond cluster. It's just a
night, military officials show up at the camp site to escort the four of
them to debriefing. Ben Grimm then appears as the thing, and what's
hilarious is that he doesn't even realize it until people point it out.
Like you wouldn't notice that your entire body is now made of stone!? Of
course, Johnny "Overactor McGee" Storm is completely freaked out by this,
but it pales in comparison to Ben's own reaction. "What kind of a
THING have I turned into!?" And then his emotions truly get the best of
"LOOK AT ME!
we're back at a medical facility for some hilarious hijinks
involving a doctor who is trying to perform some tests on the Fantastic
Four but they keep backfiring on him. First, he offers The Thing a seat
while he takes a blood sample, but his weight crushes the seat instantly
and he ends up on the floor. HAR HAR! Next, Johnny figures out how
to use his fire by saying "Flame On! Flame Off!" and practically
scorches the doctor in the process. BWAHAHAH!
Sue's turn for a shot and she reappears behind the doctor, scaring the
crap out of him and making him stab himself with the syringe needle.
CHORTLE!! And finally, to protect himself and his things from any more
harm, the doctor asks Reed to take his own blood. Reed is happy to oblige
and reaches out his long arm to take the syringe while the doctor stares
in bewilderment. GUFFAWS ABOUND!!!!!!!
concludes our sequence of hilarity. We now return you back to the
low-budget Fantastic Four mess already in progress.
the horrific truth that the Fantastic Four weren't rescued by the military,
but they were in
fact captured by Doctor Doom's henchmen! He's having his physician pal
study the four in order to find out how to extract the power of
Colossus from them so he can become the most powerful man alive. It also
gets a little creepy as he caresses the guy's lips with his clanky
fingers. Is it not enough that he has his subordinates work like slaves
for him? Must Doctor Doom also sexually harass them as well? That kind of
stress on the job is surely gonna lead to poor productivity on the part of
the workers if you ask me. That's just bad management.
can extract their powers, however, Doctor Doom needs the diamond cluster from the
Jeweler thief geezer guy. At first, he sends out his henchmen to offer to
pay for the diamond - an uncharacteristically generous act from Doctor
Doom if I do say so myself. The Jeweler refuses the offer because he has promised it to his
queen who is now tied up and gagged in his lair. And you thought all
people of royalty lived the good life? Think again, pal.
Back at the
pseudo-lab, the Fantastic Four realize something isn't right with the
place, so they
decide to knock out the doctors and make an escape to see what's up. They
have The Thing fight the doctors, but instead of showing a real fight, in
a display of unfathomable awfulness (considering this was made in 1994),
they freeze the frame and spin the screen around 360 degrees a few times
while playing punching sound effects to give the illusion of
a fight taking place. WOW. They really know how to stretch that 1.5
million budget, eh?
the three of them put on the protective outfits to disguise themselves and
leave the room while The Thing stays behind to keep a look out.
jumping one of the guards and messing with his computer, they soon
find a way out of the place, or so they think, and the alarm sounds. We're
then treated to a most impressive display of power as The Thing smashes
his way through a door made of cardboard. Whew! It's a good thing he's
made of stone, otherwise he would've gotten a nasty paper cut recklessly
smashing through cardboard like that!