As
they're now stuck in the force field, Doom activates his machine to start draining
the powers of Colossus from their bodies. While the
others are all struggling and clearly in pain, Mr. Fantastic appears to
have no reaction whatsoever. I swear, somebody on the set should've
checked his pulse while filming this movie. I think he might've been
clinically dead there for a moment or two. Why the hell is this man always
in such a trance-like state throughout the entire film? What kind of
fantastic medication is he on!?
Oh and for
the record, how the diamond cluster that Dr. Doom stole became a glowing phallus
which shoots green spermy rays of death is
beyond me. Ah the wonders of science...
In a
desperate attempt to save the day, Mr.
Fantastic stretches his foot out from the force field and kicks the green
ray over, which makes no sense whatsoever. I mean, it's clearly a force
field built to contain them, and just because he has the power to stretch
his limbs, doesn't mean they'd be able to break through it, especially since
his powers were supposedly being drained at the time. If Mr. Wizard was
still with us, I guarantee you he'd agree with me on this point too. Oh Don, why did you
have to leave us? We need you now more than ever.
Showing that
she hasn't come up with any new moves, the Invisible Woman vanishes just
before two of the henchman get her. Only difference is, this time they
just run right into each other instead of shooting their guns. Now this is another constant in action
movies and shows that has always baffled me, much like the "tripping"
problem that many bad guys suffer from. Why are bad guys always running
into each other? Think about it for a second. If they run into each other
like that, that means their initial plans were to actually run full force
towards their target and collide with them. They'd still be knocked
unconscious either way. Is this how they work? They hurl themselves at
their enemies and hope that somebody will come to finish the job once
they're unconscious? The mind of the henchman is far more complex than I
could've imagined.
Anyway,
while the Invisible Woman is having fun being... invisible, and The Thing
is clobberin' bad guys left 'n right, Reed takes on some henchman as well.
Two henchman run right up to Reed and aim their guns at him, but instead
of firing, they pause for a while and allow him the time to casually extend his
rubbery fist into their faces. Doesn't make sense, right? I told you these
guys were complex.
While
everybody else is fighting, Doctor Doom activates his Doom Laser so that
it will destroy New York City. The Human Torch, contributing nothing to
the fight so far other than completely missing the henchmen with his
fireballs, decides to "flame on" and chase after the laser.
Prepare yourselves for some CGI wizardry folks, because this is what most of the
movie budget went towards. Now that flamer boy has flown off into the
skies to stop the laser beam, it's time to wrap up some of the other stuff
going on in this mangled superhero tale.
After
rescuing her from some henchmen, Ben
introduces himself to Alicia and she caresses his body while he
breathes heavy... and she's clearly turned on by the big lug too. But hey,
this is a girl who was having an erotic experience with a clay sculpture
earlier in the movie, so is falling in love with The Thing really that big
of a stretch? Nope, not really. And speaking of stretch...
Mr.
Fantastic corners Doom and forces him to fight mono y mono. Doom is more
than happy to oblige, what with him being friggin' Freddy Krueger 'n all!
I'll admit, I haven't read many Fantastic Four comics, but I never knew
the guy had built-in blades. Isn't that infringing on Wolverine's
territory or something? Well, I guess it doesn't really matter, because
his blades can't compete against the stoic banality of Reed Richards.
This is
supposed to be the big showdown of the movie, yet it's over after three
measly rubber punches. How pathetic is that? More on that in a moment, but first,
let's catch up with flamer to see what's he's flamin' up to.
Apparently,
when he flames on he REALLY flames on by donning a pair of HOT PANTS!
Just look at those things riding up into his fiery crack! No wonder he
actually looks pissed off for a change... he's got a flaming wedgie to
motivate him! Only highly detailed CGI effects from 1994 could possibly
bring us such detailed wedgie realism. Go on Torch, catch that laser and then pick that wedgie for the world to see in all its 3D glory!
Back at the
castle, Reed has knocked Doctor Doom over a ledge and reaches out to help
him. Doom then gives a speech about how he'll never rest until he's had
his revenge and then falls out of his glove as his body plummets into the
cloudy abyss below. Naturally, you can hear Doom's muffled cackles through his
mask the entire way down. Reed knows that the battle is won... but for how
long?
DUN DUN DUN!
Oh yes...
Doom's glove apparently has a mind of its own and starts making more of
those beloved clanky noises after Reed leaves the room. But wait, what
about New York City? Who in their right mind could possibly care about a
possessed robo-hand when an entire city is about to be destroyed by a
laser!
With the
ferocity of his flaming wedgie, the Human Torch arrives at the end of the
laser just before it reaches New York. He then absorbs all the trauma that
the laser has to offer in what is one of the most ridiculous, wasteful
uses of CGI effects I've ever seen. They literally have him just hovering
there in the air, spinning around in circles as his body is continually
pounded by Doom's laser beam.
I shit you
not, this goes on for a good 20 seconds or so, during which time he takes
a straight shot directly up the ol'
poop chute which may or may not have cured that fiery wedgie issue
of his. You know, maybe he was trying out that evil henchman technique of
hurling your body into the arms of danger and hoping for the best. Either
that or he's just a pervert who likes being raped by a laser in the skies
while an entire city below catch only watch in utter horror.
Well, after
he's done with the full laser body massage, he uses his flaming powers to
drive the laser beam way up into outer space and then punches it into
oblivion. I didn't know you could "punch" a laser beam, but then again, I
don't actually have any super powers now do I? So yeah... hooray, they did it! The
Fantastic Four have saved the day in an extremely anti-climactic way!
Bring on the celebrations!
Cut to Reed
and Sue leaving the church after having just been married. While Sue went for a
traditional bridal dress, Reed opted to just stick with his spandex
Fantastic Four uniform instead of renting a tuxedo. Hey, it's their
wedding, who am I to tell them what they should and shouldn't wear?
They hop
into the limo and, as one final sight gag before the movie ends, Reed
extends his giant rubbery arm through the sunroof and waves bye bye to all of his friends. God
knows what he's gonna try "extending" once they're on their honeymoon, but
I have a feeling the invisible woman is gonna want to make herself
invisible through most of it. After all, it's her only defense.
And that's
all she wrote for Roger Corman's unreleased 1994 live-action Fantastic
Four feature film. It's a shame it was never officially released on DVD,
because while it isn't a great movie by any standards, it's inherent
cheesiness makes for some great laughs which is a lot more than I can say
about the Fantastic Four movies of the new millennium. Flame on, indeed.
Have any
questions or comments about this piece?
Email -RoG-
***BONUS!***
Click above to watch the
"Final Four" trailer!
