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I-Mockery Goes Ghost Hunting!
by: Protoclown

One of the interesting things about living in a place like Virginia is that it has a lot of history, and with a lot of history comes a lot of dead people, and with a lot of dead people come the inevitable ghosts (or zombies, but that's a whole other article). That is of course, if you believe in such silly things, but I'm going show you a series of bone-chilling photos that just might change your mind about whether or not ghosts are real.

Now, one of the things you'll hear is that Virginia and Massachusetts are the two most haunted states in the Union, and this makes sense if you think about it, because not only are they home to the two oldest English settlements in North America, but also, a lot of horrible shit happened in these places.

If you happen to live on the East coast, you'll likely have old Civil War battlefields you can visit, but every state has its haunted sites, and you can find plenty of encyclopedic web pages listing them on the internet. While wandering around on a ghost hunt, you want to keep your eyes and ears open, because that way you can more readily convince yourself that a firefly or a screech owl is in fact a ghost, and frankly it's a lot more fun that way.

If, after reading this, you plan to prepare your own inadvisable ghost hunt, I am legally required to inform you there are several things you will need:

• a flashlight

• at least one "Mulder" (a believer)

• at least one "Scully" (a scientific skeptic)

• batteries for your flashlight

• a bag lunch

• a proton pack and trap for ghost collection

• at least one friend who's slower than you in the event you all have to run for your lives

• a ghost meter (a foolproof detection device)

• a camera

• a backup flashlight so you can see to change the batteries in your other flashlight

• still more batteries for your camera

• a tape recorder

• seriously, even more batteries for your tape recorder

You'll want a camera because some spirits won't be visible to the naked eye, but after you go back to your photo lab and develop the pictures (or hit the "review" button on your digital camera), eerie things may appear in them that will give you chills.

The other night some friends and I went ghost hunting at the Civil War battlefield at Gaines Mill, and my friend Scott took some pictures (until he ran out of batteries—see why my list is important?). Upon getting the pictures "developed" to my "hard drive" and examining them closely, I noticed some bone-chilling elements present within them...


Here I am standing alone next to an old cannon, but wait—what's that beside me? Am I as alone as I think, or is that an "orb" floating next to me? It seems that this ostensibly normal site may be a "hotspot" for supernatural spiritual activity after all!

Here's another shot of the same cannon with a flashlight shining on it. Everything appears normal, but WAIT! What is that there, under the wheel? Is that the human face of some long dead soldier manifesting in the grass? Look closely... if you DARE!

And look at this picture of some of us walking along, completely OBLIVIOUS of the SCREAMING FACE OF THE DAMNED manifesting in the air to the left of us. Look closely and you may just be able to make it out.

Take a good look at the darkness above this fence. See anything unusual? Those of you with keen eyes will no doubt see a BIZARRE SHAPE floating above the wood! What is it? A lens glare? A glitch in the camera? Or something MORE?

Scott shined the flashlight in my face, blinding me and taking a picture because he thought it'd be funny. But I wonder, am I making a face out of annoyance, or am I making a face OUT OF FEAR because I feel the strange presence of SOMETHING THERE WITH ME?

Look carefully at this picture. Do you see a mysterious, wispy shape floating next to my knees? Is it just a trick of the light or something more sinister? It's hard to say.

Barely discernible above the wooden fence, you may be able to make out some vague features that look almost like a human face. Oh, sure, "it could be anything" you say. And that's true. Maybe it's just a cloud, or a weather balloon, or an exhalation of breath into the cold night... but maybe, just maybe... it's a face.

Look above the cannon there, blending into the tree line. You may need to magnify this photo to see what I'm talking about, but there, in front of the trees, barely perceptible, is a shape. A shape I cannot identify. Could it be something mundane and normal? Could it really? Or do you just want to keep on living in your safe little world that badly?

Here I am about to walk into a dark trail in the woods. Now that I've examined this picture more closely, I'm glad I stayed out of them! Notice that vague, hard-to-make-out shape on the trail next to me? Sure, it could be a firefly, I suppose, but it could also be a SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE!

See that large cloud above the cannons there? Now look a little more closely. Yes, that's right! THAT'S NO CLOUD AT ALL! I mean, I think it's not a cloud. You kind of have to use your imagination, but it almost looks like it could be some kind of ghost, doesn't it?

And speaking of clouds that might not be clouds, if you squint your eyes just right, you can almost see a spectral pirate ship floating over the tree line instead of a mere and simple cloud.


Oh, it's true that a lot of this is open to interpretation, and there's a certain amount of suggestibility present when you're "in the moment" out in the middle of a spooky dark field (covered in ghosts). That's why I always make sure that when I review the photos after the fact, I wear a lab coat, a monocle, and smoke a bubble pipe so I know I'm treating it with the amount of gravity this sort of thing deserves.

If you do have supposedly "haunted sites" in your area, this can be a fun thing to do with friends, but be warned: most of the time you are going to be trespassing at these locations, especially if you're there at night. And there are probably far scarier things in a jail cell than there are at one of these haunted sites. Just something to think about.

Have any questions or comments about this piece?
Email Protoclown


If you enjoyed this piece be sure to check out:


10 Things I Like About Ghostbusters II!

and


Haunted House Candy Hunt!


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