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The Haunt Your House Kit!
by: -RoG-

Running a good haunted house of your own takes a lot of work. You've gotta spend time buying supplies, decorating, and most importantly... figuring out how to scare the crap out of people. Believe it or not, my mom was the master of hosting haunted houses. We had a fairly large basement (which was already creepy in its own way without the decorations) and she would go all out with it. I remember one year she went to a Home Depot and bought a huge roll of industrial strength black plastic just so she could line the entire basement walls with it to make it darker. Kids would always make a point to stop by our house each year so they could walk through her latest haunted attraction (no charge of course). It got so popular that even the local news stations came by to cover it. So yeah, I guess she's partially responsible for my love of Halloween.

Well anyway, I realize that not everybody has a basement or the time to go by industrial supplies from the hardware store just to create a haunted house. Fret not! My pals at Fright Catalog have just sent over the solution to all of your problems:

The "Haunt Your Own House Kit" by Rubie's Halloween Party Zone!

Who would've thought that they keys to terrifying your visitors could be so neatly packed into a small box? Sure, I don't have a basement to work with, but I'm sure that this kit can help me make my place just as terrifying! So whaddaya say we give it a shot? Alright, onward with step 1!

You know, it'd be nice if the "door cover" they give you would actually cover the door. And no, my door isn't oversized or anything, it's just your average-sized entrance. I'm sure that the neighbors have already filed complaints to the landlord about how embarrassing it is to live near somebody who put that on his door. But hey, we can all agree that it's far more terrifying than just a plain old door entrance would be. Right? Right??? Guys? Hello? Anybody out there?

As I started to hang this thing up, it actually came unraveled, so it no longer even held the shape of a circular spider web. Well, I did the best I could with it. The nice thing about this spider web is that if you aren't able to scare your visitors with it, you can at least take it to the ocean and catch some fish in the netting. Who knows, maybe you'd even catch some spider crabs too! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!

(I only made that horrible pun because I know you stopped reading this as soon as you saw that sad doorway cover.)

Now the slit in the center of the mouth only goes down to the base of the tongue, and again, it's way too short for any door that isn't from Oompa Loompa land. You would literally need a running start so that you could jump up in the air and hope to dive through the small opening in the mouth. Me, I'm just going to lift it up and walk through it. I'll leave the whole leaping-through-small-openings to circus performers and Jackie Chan. I have a feeling that this thing would get torn down the second anybody actually attempts to jump through it anyway. If such a thing does happen, I'll just claim it was intentional and that I wanted to make it seem like the monster was jumping on you so he could swallow you whole! OooooooooOooooOOOoOooOOooooooooooooo!

That's right, don't get any ideas about actually grabbing people through this poster because it's just a lawsuit waiting to happen. If there's one thing anybody who has worked at a haunted attraction can tell you, it's that you're not allowed (under any circumstances) to grab the guests who walk through it. It sucks I know, but you could accidentally smash them in the face or grab a boob or something else that would cause them to immediately sick their lawyers on you. Damned litigation-loving pissants... they always ruin the fun for everyone.

What, I have to go to the store and buy some black lights? Why weren't they included in the kit!? Oh well, I'm sure they'll be just as scary without the blacklights as they would be if I actually had some. Don't shake your head no... you know I'm right

"You are probably familiar with a similar product which is used as packing material for boxes." Similar? No. This stuff isn't similar to bubble wrap... it *IS* bubble wrap! Yes my friends; they actually included bubble wrap as one of the haunt your house items. Wow, that's gonna be absolutely TERRIFYING to anybody that steps on it!

And speaking of terror; what could be scarier than some tiny inflated monster heads hanging from the ceiling which could double as flotation devices for infants? The monsters are always watching you! Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Ok this is great; they actually printed the ghost faces on these bags upside-down (the opening should be underneath the face, not on top of it) so you can't even make them look remotely decent. And sorry, I don't have a fan. Guess I'll have to hope that the central air conditioning can make them move around a bit. There's no way I'm gonna go out and buy a clothesline for them. If they wanted me to do that, they should've included it in the damned kit since this is supposed to be "everything you need to create a spooky haunted house!"

Ok, since I don't have a portable CD player or a stereo, I'll have to put my laptop on the ground and play the CD through that. That's ok though, I'm sure the glow of the Laptop will create a SUPER EERIE atmosphere! I even changed the desktop background to a truly scary photograph of... Carrot Top! Horrifying, isn't it?

I can't wrap gauze directly around the light bulbs? Come on! What could be scarier for someone than having them walk directly into a REAL FIRE? I'm beginning to think that the people from Rubie's Halloween Party Zone don't know a thing about true horror. But I suppose we'll find out just how scary this Haunted House kit of theirs really is in a moment, for I have just finished setting it up!

The Haunted House is ready!
Click below to follow me on a video tour of
the ultimate "do-it-yourself" Haunted House!


Click here to download a .WMV
of the haunted house tour!

(higher quality video)

I take back everything bad I said about this kit. It was a truly horrific experience and I'm going to be in therapy for years as a result. My hands are still shaking from the terror and I can barely type! Oh god! Oh.... god! Wait! What was that noise? I... oh no! I think I just heard it again! It's getting closer! It's... it's... it's................. BUBBLE WRAP!

Questions or comments about this article?
Email -RoG-

Enjoyed the video? Please rate it on YouTube!

Want your own "Rubie's Halloween Party Zone Haunt Your Own House Kit"? No problem! Visit these guys...

FrightCatalog.com - Halloween Costumes, Props, and more!
Big thanks to Fright Catalog for supplying us with a bunch of amusing Halloween items such as the "Haunt Your Own House Kit" to review this year! We'll be featuring more of their crazy items this season, and they've got an awesome Halloween supplies site, so please check it out and support their business! FrightCatalog.com!


You found Scary-Ass Trading Card #8!
*copy this URL down, you'll need it once you've found all 12 cards!*

1972, Baby. American International Pictures. Raised by Voodoo from the prison in which Count Dracula himself created... the Vampire Prince of Africa, Mamuwalde... BLACULA! Think I'm making it up? Well, I shit you not, my friends. In "Blacula" and its sequel made a scant year later, "Scream, Blacula, Scream," classically trained actor and Opera singer William Marshall brought the Bad Ass Blaxploitation Vampire to undead life.

Find all 12 "Scary-Ass Trading Cards" this October (2006) and you'll not only get a special 13th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the month of October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file whenever you find them.

Once you have collected the URLs of all 12 cards, simply email them to webmaster@i-mockery.com with the subject line "I-Mockery's Scary-Assed Trading Cards!" and you will have the special 13th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more! You must send in your emails by November 5th, 2006 to qualify!

Do NOT email the actual card graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of the 12 cards which you can find directly underneath them.

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