good haunted house of your own takes a lot of work. You've gotta spend
time buying supplies, decorating, and most importantly... figuring out how
to scare the crap out of people. Believe it or not, my mom was the master
of hosting haunted houses. We had a fairly large basement (which was
already creepy in its own way without the decorations) and she would go
all out with it. I remember one year she went to a Home Depot and bought a
huge roll of industrial strength black plastic just so she could line the
entire basement walls with it to make it darker. Kids would always
make a point to stop by our house each year so they could walk through her
latest haunted attraction (no charge of course). It got so popular that
even the local news stations came by to cover it. So yeah, I guess she's
partially responsible for my love of Halloween.
I realize that not everybody has a basement or the time to go by
industrial supplies from the hardware store just to create a haunted
house. Fret not! My pals at
Fright Catalog have just sent over the solution to all of your
The "Haunt Your Own House
Kit" by Rubie's Halloween Party Zone!
thought that they keys to terrifying your visitors could be so neatly
packed into a small box? Sure, I don't have a basement to work with, but
I'm sure that this kit can help me make my place just as terrifying! So
whaddaya say we give it a shot? Alright, onward with step 1!
it'd be nice if the "door cover" they give you would actually cover the
door. And no, my door isn't oversized or anything, it's just your
average-sized entrance. I'm sure that the neighbors have already filed
complaints to the landlord about how embarrassing it is to live near
somebody who put that on his door. But hey, we can all agree that it's far
more terrifying than just a plain old door entrance would be. Right?
Right??? Guys? Hello? Anybody out there?
As I started
to hang this thing up, it actually came unraveled, so it no longer even
held the shape of a circular spider web. Well, I did the best I could with
it. The nice thing about this spider web is that if you aren't able to
scare your visitors with it, you can at least take it to the ocean and
catch some fish in the netting. Who knows, maybe you'd even catch some
spider crabs too! HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR!
(I only made
that horrible pun because I know you stopped reading this as soon as you
saw that sad doorway cover.)
Now the slit
in the center of the mouth only goes down to the base of the tongue, and
again, it's way too short for any door that isn't from Oompa Loompa land.
You would literally need a running start so that you could jump up in the
air and hope to dive through the small opening in the mouth. Me, I'm just
going to lift it up and walk through it. I'll leave the whole
leaping-through-small-openings to circus performers and Jackie Chan. I
have a feeling that this thing would get torn down the second anybody
actually attempts to jump through it anyway. If such a thing does happen,
I'll just claim it was intentional and that I wanted to make it seem like
the monster was jumping on you so he could swallow you whole!
right, don't get any ideas about actually grabbing people through this
poster because it's just a lawsuit waiting to happen. If there's one thing
anybody who has worked at a haunted attraction can tell you, it's that
you're not allowed (under any circumstances) to grab the guests who
walk through it. It sucks I know, but you could accidentally smash them in
the face or grab a boob or something else that would cause them to
immediately sick their lawyers on you. Damned litigation-loving pissants...
they always ruin the fun for everyone.
What, I have
to go to the store and buy some black lights? Why weren't they included in
the kit!? Oh well, I'm sure they'll be just as scary without the
blacklights as they would be if I actually had some. Don't shake your head
no... you know I'm right
probably familiar with a similar product which is used as packing material
for boxes." Similar? No. This stuff isn't similar to bubble
wrap... it *IS* bubble wrap! Yes my friends; they actually
included bubble wrap as one of the haunt your house items. Wow, that's
gonna be absolutely TERRIFYING to anybody that steps on it!
of terror; what could be scarier than some tiny inflated monster heads
hanging from the ceiling which could double as flotation devices for
infants? The monsters are always watching you!
Ok this is
great; they actually printed the ghost faces on these bags upside-down
(the opening should be underneath the face, not on top of it) so you can't
even make them look remotely decent. And sorry, I don't have a fan. Guess
I'll have to hope that the central air conditioning can make them move
around a bit. There's no way I'm gonna go out and buy a clothesline for
them. If they wanted me to do that, they should've included it in the
damned kit since this is supposed to be "everything you need to create
a spooky haunted house!"
Ok, since I
don't have a portable CD player or a stereo, I'll have to put my laptop on
the ground and play the CD through that. That's ok though, I'm sure the
glow of the Laptop will create a SUPER EERIE atmosphere! I even changed
the desktop background to a truly scary photograph of... Carrot Top! Horrifying, isn't it?
I can't wrap
gauze directly around the light bulbs? Come on! What could be scarier for
someone than having them
walk directly into a REAL FIRE? I'm beginning to think that the
people from Rubie's Halloween Party Zone don't know a thing about
true horror. But I suppose we'll find out just how scary this Haunted
House kit of theirs really is in a moment, for I have just finished
setting it up!
House is ready!
Click below to follow me on a video tour of
the ultimate "do-it-yourself" Haunted House!
I take back
everything bad I said about this kit. It was a truly horrific experience
and I'm going to be in therapy for years as a result.
My hands are still shaking from the terror and I can barely type! Oh god!
Oh.... god! Wait! What was that noise? I... oh no! I think I just heard it
again! It's getting closer! It's... it's... it's.................
YOU FOUND SCARY-ASS TRADING CARD #8!
COLLECT ALL 12 FOR A SURPRISE!
*copy this URL
down, you'll need it once you've found all 12 cards!*
1972, Baby. American
International Pictures. Raised by Voodoo from the prison in which
Count Dracula himself created... the Vampire Prince of Africa,
Mamuwalde... BLACULA! Think I'm making it up? Well, I shit you
not, my friends. In "Blacula" and its sequel made a scant year later,
"Scream, Blacula, Scream," classically trained actor and Opera singer
William Marshall brought the Bad Ass Blaxploitation Vampire to
Find all 12 "Scary-Ass
Trading Cards" this October (2006) and you'll not only get a
special 13th card emailed to you, but you'll automatically be
entered to win a Halloween prize pack from I-Mockery! Cards will
be placed in random new I-Mockery articles during the month of
October. Simply copy the URLs of each card down into a text file
whenever you find them.
Once you have
collected the URLs of all 12 cards, simply email them to
firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line
"I-Mockery's Scary-Assed Trading Cards!" and you will have the
special 13th card emailed to you and you'll be entered to win a
Halloween prize pack which may include masks, DVDs and more!
You must send in your emails by November
5th, 2006 to qualify!
NOT email the actual card
graphics to us. We only want you to email us the URLs of
the 12 cards which you can find directly underneath them.