Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
About Us Store Advertising Contact New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun! New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun!

Hollywood Cemetery!
by: Protoclown


OMG I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMETHING! Which brings me to my next point. There are squirrels ALL over this cemetery, so we would constantly hear twigs snapping and things falling out of trees. I can't even imagine how fucking creepy this place must be after dark (when it's closed) with all the random noises coming from any given direction.

This inscription was carved into a tombstone. I can't imagine that would be terribly comfortable for either party involved...

Another great thing about this cemetery is the awesome statues everywhere, mostly of angels looking sad or lost.

And Rachael had told me I HAD to see the most gothy statue in the entire place, and I was really kind of determined to make fun of it, but it actually WAS a pretty fucking sad depiction of someone sobbing over their lover's tomb.

There was also this angel statue holding out flowers as if to offer them to you. I was about to accept said offer, until I remembered I don't eat flowers and those ones are made out of rocks anyway, SO WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, STONE ANGEL??

They have this MUCH smaller pyramid in a different part of the cemetery. They couldn't exactly have those two pyramids within sight of one another. I mean, can you imagine how sad this pyramid would be, having to sit in the shadow of the Überpyramid all day? Can you imagine what a frowning pyramid looks like? Not a pretty sight, I assure you.

This guy was apparently a doctor, and so he had his tombstone shaped like a pill. I guess we can assume he wasn't a gynecologist, or he'd probably have opted for something a little more interesting.

They have a ton of these family mausoleums carved into the sides of the hills, and they kind of act like goth tractor beams, pulling you in and forcing you to make ridiculously melodramatic poses around them. You think you can resist, but YOU DON'T KNOW THEIR POWER!

They also have this awesome tombstone shaped like a tree. As you can see, it's pretty big too. I don't know if this guy was a lumberjack or a park ranger or what, but actually if he was a lumberjack it would have been even better if it looked like the tree had just been cut down.

And now we come to the Richmond Vampire's tomb! There was a local legend about a vampire sighted in the 1920s going into the mausoleum of W.W. Poole. The whole thing has naturally been debunked in later years, but it's still amusing to refer to it as the Vampire's Tomb.

It really is impossible to be anywhere near the Vampire's tomb and NOT make fun of the damn thing.

Yeah, I totally should have been in one of those crappy "Blade" movies. I could have been "pasty nerdboy vampire who's not scary at all #3". Which, come to think of it, is a pretty worthy opponent for Blade.

BEHOLD! The fate of all who DARE make fun of the Vampire's Tomb! He makes you pretend you're dead and take a picture of it! BEWARE!

This is quite possibly the coolest cross ever. "You may be dead, but look on the bright side! Everything's just peachy!"

This little tombstone statue was missing its head. And you totally know some asshole college kid has that thing up on his mantle surrounded by a bunch of empty beer bottles.

This family mausoleum had an awesome name engraved on the side, which immediately made me think of Dr. Strange from Marvel Comics, because I'm a big dork.

But upon closer examination, the names got even more awesome!

And finally, I think this statue here sums things up rather well. Because the cemetery is such an interesting place to visit, the groundskeepers and security guards constantly have to deal with all manner of jackass goth kids and witch wannabes who try to sneak into the place after dark and do whatever kind of spooky shit those kinds of kids get up to.

I just love how the angel looks like she's rolling her eyes, like she's sick and tired of everyone's bullshit. And fittingly enough, she was the last thing we saw after all of our stupid antics that day, and that was as good as sign as any that it was time to go home. See, I don't care what your parents said, it totally IS possible to have a good time in a cemetery without being dead!

Questions or comments about this article?
Email Protoclown

If you enjoyed this piece be sure to check out:


help support I-Mockery by supporting our sponsors:

Running a big site like I-Mockery takes a lot o' time and costs moola too.
Want to help show your support?


Come talk about this piece & more on our Message Forums!

click here for more minimocks!