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Ichi The Killer!
by: Dr. Boogie

...CONTINUED

Back at the apartments, Ichi is briefed on the situation. A bunch of Anjo gang members are hanging out in the gang headquarters nearby, and Ichi has to take them all out. At first, he's skeptical because they greatly out number him, but Jijii convinces him that they're all bullies, and that Ichi said he would rid the world of bullies. Especially ones that look like the kids who bullied him, and Jijii point out that yes, they do look like them.

Once Jijii gets him thinking about how he was bullied, Ichi launches into action. He busts out of the janitor's closet he was hiding in and races over to the apartment. The locked door is initially a problem, but a little boot razor action unlocks the door no problem. Once it swings open, Ichi goes to work.

Blood and gore gets sprayed out the door. A few bodies fly out, too. All you can hear is shouting and splish-splash of splattering blood. Even a severed face gets tossed out of the room.

With his job finished, Ichi bolts out of the apartment, covered in blood and still bitterly weeping. As he makes his way out, he is spotted by Takeshi. The kid doesn't mind that he's covered in blood, and even tries to make a little friendly conversation. Socialization isn't Ichi's specialty, however, and he bolts, only stopping long enough to tell Takeshi his name.

In what is easily the goriest scene in the whole movie, Kakihara surveys the aftermath of Ichi's raid. As you can see, there are severed limbs, organs, and a lot of what looks like ground beef. The sight is enough to send the rest of the gang running, and so the gang now consists of Kakihara, Kaneko, and Takayama. Kakihara isn't particularly fond of the straight-laced Kaneko, and he tries to gross him.

To his credit, Kaneko stands his ground, firm in his resolve to avenge the boss's death. Whether or not he thinks he can be of any use against a man who easily slaughtered over half a dozen gangsters in such a brutal fashion remains to be seen. His current role in the gang: disposal.

Kakihara puts him in charge of disposing of the bodies, namely by burning them in a trashcan on the roof. It's just too bad this all took place on Take Your Son to Work Day. Takeshi doesn't mind the smell of burning hair and flesh, and is content to kick at the brush at the edge of the roof. Kaneko, that poor bastard, tells him that if he shouldn't come home one day that he should go and live with his mom, but the kid refuses, perhaps thinking that he can just go live with his uncle Ichi. This nice little father/son moment is interrupted when Takayama comes to give Kaneko an even better assignment: find Ichi. How to find him? "Find anyone that smells of blood."

At this task, he is remarkably successful. Of course, he doesn't realize that the young man being kicked by the storekeeper is the same guy that inadvertently put him on cleanup duty, but the scenario of the owner beating up the penniless Ichi reminds Kaneko of when Takayama saved him from an angry loanshark, who oddly enough had been beating him up in the same alley. Anyway, the fact that he's with the Anjo gang is enough to scare off the owner. Ichi thanks him with that ape grin he's been giving everyone since the prostitute, and Kaneko treats him to a nice meal.

Things get a little weird in the shop. Therein, Kaneko has not one, but two different flashbacks, both of which take place in the very same ramen shop. The first is of his induction into the Anjo gang, of Takayama convincing Anjo that he should be brought into the fold because he's an "Olympic marksman." The second is of Takeshi asking him about how Kaneko's wife left him and when she might be coming back. All this is done seamlessly, and so you're initially left wondering why Kakihara is sitting behind Kaneko, and why Takeshi is sitting opposite him. Once you figure it out, it makes sense, but I was quite lost the first time I saw it. Anyway, they eat, and Ichi continues to say nothing as Kaneko explains that Ichi reminds him of himself a long while back, and that he's looking for the man who killed his boss. Ichi has no idea what he's talking about, and so he nervously slurps down his meal in silence.

The scene shifts to an apartment somewhere. I guess Ichi's food was drugged, or something. Anyway, Jijii is there, and he gives him six envelopes with pictures of the biggest bullies of all. Ichi remarks that he hates killing people, and Jijii yells at him for being a wuss (I'm paraphrasing, but that's what he's getting at). Then things get a little weird: Ichi starts squirming. Why? Here's his conversation with Jijii:

"My dick's hard."
"Since when?"
"I don't know."
"Why didn't you tell me? It'll start to rot. That's what you get for not doing what I tell you"

I guess the rotting penis is some kind of Japanese folklore. Jijii tosses Ichi some tranquilizers, but Ichi refuses to take them and runs off. Then, right after he leaves, Jijii comes walking through the door. This completely threw me for a loop. I thought he was sitting on the couch in the room with Ichi, but then they show this. Was the Jijii on the couch a robot? Is this a flashback? Does Jijii have a twin? I wish I knew.

Back at headquarters, Kakihara is skeptical about Kaneko's ability to find Ichi, so he brings in a couple of like-minded guys: Jiro and his brother, Saburo. As far as psychosis goes, they give Kakihara a run for his money. Kakihara tells the brothers that he has another possible lead: Ichi is friends with a Chinese pimp. The pimp in question is Long, and the brothers vow to find this mysterious pimp. Before they leave, Kaneko shows up, and the two of them heckle the poor guy. You'd think they would be more respectful to one of the only two sane people in the whole gang, but that's not the case.

Meanwhile, Long is having a fit. Just as Kano went totally nuts after a few precious minutes without heroin, he's going crazy over a few precious minutes without any lovin'. He starts flopping around and saying, "I want to fuck fuck fuck!" for a little while before he remembers that he's a pimp. He phones his girl, Myu-Myu and heads on over to her place for a little sampling of the merchandise, if you know what I mean.

In another shocking turn of events, Jijii is discussing Ichi with Karen, of all people, over a game of Shogi (which is sort of like the Japanese equivalent of chess). He tells her that Ichi can sport some wood, but he can't wrap things up, if you know what I mean. That's where Karen comes in. She asks for more details, and so Jijii tells her about how he cries when he's mad, and how he was bullied when he was a kid. The thing is, however, Ichi was never really bullied; Jijii used hypnotic suggestion to implant those memories and give him the impetus to kill yakuza, which Jijii convinces him are bullies. He goes on to say that he may have overdone it with the Tachibana rape story. Yes, I think that's a fair assumption, since Ichi is now a big SM psycho killer now. All this talk about the power of hypnosis leaves Karen with one obvious question: has Jijii ever used it on her?

After a significant pause, Jijii tells her, "I wouldn't dare." Not very reassuring, if you ask me, but then again, he doesn't have a very trustworthy look about him. Something about that flat, expressionless face just screams "I'm a damned liar!"

Getting back to Long, his quest for a little action has hit a snag. He spots a couple of guys just outside of Myu-Myu's place. It's Jiro and Saburo, and they're making off with Myu-Myu. Long, being the noble gentleman that he is, turns tail and runs off, hoping that things will work out for the best. They don't...

They take her back to headquarters, rough her up a bit, and then one of the brothers makes a cut that removes two small, fleshy protrusions that, while utterly useless on men, are of critical importance to the average woman. In summation, it's not nearly as entertaining as Kakihara's torture of Suzuki.

Kaneko and Takayama decide to sit this one out, and opt instead to keep watch outside in case anyone is driven to curiosity by all the screaming. To take his mind off all the crazy crap his new boss is pulling, Takayama starts up a little tough guy banter with Kaneko. He goes on about how he got into the business because he was so tough, but that he feels sorry for poor Kaneko, who loses his gun, his job, his wife, and perhaps even his life should Ichi rear his ugly head again. What else can you call this guy but an "unlucky monkey," as Takayama puts it. Still, Kaneko says he has no regrets, and you can almost believe him.

Back inside headquarters, the three loons are becoming frustrated with their inability to make Myu-Myu crack. Luckily, in addition to being skilled detectives, one of the brothers is also an accomplished bloodhound. Once he gets his ears on, he is able to, err... smell Long on Myu-Myu, and the search is on once more.

Poor Kaneko, though. Now that Kakihara has found two equally crazy guys to hang out with, he has no use for the diligent, level-headed Kaneko, and tells him to stay at headquarters and make sure the catatonic torture victim therein doesn't try to escape. It's kind of a sad scene, seeing him with that pouting head, or at least it would be were it not for the huge blood stain from Ichi's raid still on the wall opposite the door.

That was the last straw for Kaneko. Even his submissive sensibilities can only take so much abuse. He winds up venting his frustrations on Myu-Myu, tossing her on the floor and savagely kicking her because she couldn't answer his offer to bring her some water. Takayama's starting to go, too, as he takes his sweet time going over to restrain Kaneko.

The cowardly Long lies wondering about Myu-Myu's fate when he hears some barking, and sees an unusual silhouette in his window. Looks like the Bloodhound Gang has caught up with him, and he takes off running. This sequence is kind of weird, though. For starters, his room is some kind of small, attic-like area, and he flees the two brothers by busting through the floor and landing in the hallway below. Then, he races down a much narrower hallway that ends in a door that opens up to the street a story below, and he jumps out. Whatever the architect was thinking, Long is sure thankful, as the brothers look for an alternate way rather than just jumping after him. It's not because they're concerned they might twist an ankle, or because dogs are afraid of heights, however. No, it's because Kakihara has the alley covered.

And so the fight is on. Kakihara lets Long take a number of free swings, and mocks him by saying that there's, "no love in your punches." Once he's had enough showing off, he yanks out his two lip rings and lets Long have one more punch. Only this time, Long's hand gets stuck in something. What, you ask?

Yes, that's right. Kakihara uses his extra wide mouth to put the bite on Long. I challenge anyone to look at the shot of Long's fist stuck in Kakihara's mouth and not laugh. Anyway, that's pretty much the end of the fight right there. Long manages to yank his hand out, only to find that he's left a bit of skin with Kakihara, and he screams, and the shot changes to Jijii, who somehow managed to slip into Long's apartment unnoticed and is sitting by listening to his friend's screaming. What are friends for, eh?

Karen, meanwhile, is staking out Ichi. You see, she's formulated a brilliant plan to get his attention. Simply put, she runs him over.

Seriously. She spots Ichi walking by, puts her car in drive, and hits him going about 15 mph (which I think is around 158 kilometers per hour). As you may have guessed, Ichi turns aside her apologies with apologies of his own, I guess for walking slowly down a side street. At this point, Karen puts the second half of her brilliant plan into effect: she tells Ichi that she's Tachibana. Oh yes, now she's got his attention.

The two of them head back to Ichi's place, and Karen begins weaving a fantastic story about how after she (as Tachibana) was raped, she fell into a cycle of S&M that culminated with her trying to get some guy she met over the internet to chop her into little bits. The plan seems to be working, so she tries to get Ichi in the mood by telling him that yes, all those years ago, she did want him to rape her. Then, she starts paying lip service to the bruised Cyclops, if you take my meaning.

All this is both a relief, and quite confusing to Ichi. On the one hand, she didn't want to be raped, but at the same time, she wanted him to rape her. Is it technically considered rape if the other person wants you to rape them? Anyway, Ichi decides that to really tie things up between him and the object of his obsession, he should grant her wish to be sliced and diced. Now, Karen has cause for concern. Funny thing, that. Turns out that playing into a psychotic killer's rape fantasy is a really bad idea. Fancy that.

Karen starts to panic. She yanks off her wig and starts screaming at Ichi that she's not Tachibana. He doesn't seem to understand her. Probably because she's screaming in English. I guess you could chalk that up as a danger of living in a bilingual society. Anyway, Ichi's first kick goes low.

Karen barely has a leg to stand on (cue rimshot). She still manages to hobble out into the hallway, but unfortunately, that's about as far as she gets.

Ouch. On the plus side, if you can call it that, this whole Karen thing has Ichi all psyched out again for more killing. Yes, no more of that moping around, not wanting to kill people and spread their guts all over the nice floor. Now, it's back to work.

CAN ICHI STOP "NECKING" WITH HIS GAL PALS?
CAN YOU TELL JIRO AND SABURO APART?
CAN ANYONE SHUT KAKIHARA'S BIG MOUTH?

CLICK TO CONTINUE TO PAGE 4 TO SEE!


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