...CONTINUED

I tried getting a picture of one of the undead football players, but he ran by me too fast. Guess he was late for a game of grabass with his teammates in the locker room showers...

Remember kids; with a degree from Hatchet High you can go anywhere and do anything with your life. Be cool! Stay in school!

If memory serves best, these pics were from the 13 Ax Murder Manor attraction. I don't know where her groom was, but at least this bride had plenty of food to eat at the banquet table. Er wait, that might be the groom's head on the table. Well, their marriage still lasted longer than most marriages seem to these days...

Just like with the other attractions, there were plenty of amusing characters in the Manor. My favorites had to be the girl who was swinging around on the extracted intestines of the bed-ridden corpse and the masked maniac who actually swung down on a rope from a high perch. You really never saw him coming until he was right up on your face. I honestly don't know how he wasn't accidentally knocking people down left 'n right.

On our way to the next attraction, we were assaulted with all sorts of cheesy billboards. All of them had a Halloween theme except one: Poo Man Group. Poo Man Group? I know fecal matter can be scary 'n all, but Poo Man Group!?!? WOW.

And here we were at the next attraction, Lost Vegas. Just like with Feary Tales, you could purchase some 3-D glasses, but I was told that it wasn't worth it because the effect were pretty cheap. And considering I came close to falling on my ass in that Feary Tales tunnel, I figured 3-D glasses would only further hinder my ability to walk through the maze without falling down and breaking something. 

Pick your poison, literally. While the bar was filled with bottled labeled "toxic" and "xxx", I was more amused by the dead guy next to the "Killer - Genuine Slash" parody sign. It looked exactly like something you'd see on an old Wacky Packages trading card.

The boney bride 'n groom were living it up in Vegas, most likely blowing away all their money in the process. I mean, I don't see how anybody could win when you can barely see anything in the dark like that anyway.

There was a big row of horror-themed slot machines which led up to a giant slot machine that looked like it didn't accept tokens... it only accepted flesh. For hardcore gamblers only.

Re managed to get some video footage of the guy who was maimed by a knife-throwing performer. You can view the .avi video here.

I really liked this this guy. I call him "King Buffet" because he clearly ate his fill at the all-you-can-eat buffet. The Hawaiian shirt was a nice touch too. Re did get some video footage, but it's sideways due to her being distracted by one of the many people who kept jumping out at her. She was like a magnet for those people! Anyway, here's the video.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, eh? Well after seeing that stripper guy in the bright neon polka-dot top and hot pink undies, I think that's a good thing. So wait, they stopped having Elvira perform at Knott's Scary Farm after 2001 because they wanted a more family friendly environment, but they can have hot pink underwear stripper guy shaking all his jiggly parts in front of the kids? There's logic for ya. Hey Knott's, here's an idea: BRING ELVIRA BACK!

After we had our fill of debauchery and sin (though, can you really ever have enough? har har!), we continued walking outside towards the next attraction and were stopped by a live-action theatrical performance. They were putting Mel Gibson (in a Braveheart costume) to death. Before they hung him high, they allowed him to speak a few last words. As predicted, he unleashed some racial jokes onto the crowd who were all too happy to see him hang shortly after.

Their newest maze attraction was The Grudge II. And I couldn't help but laugh how they ran out of room on one of the outside walls to fit the entire word "Grudge" on it, so they actually had to wrap the "ge" around to the other side. The Grud. Well anyway... I'm sorry, but I hate The Grudge films. No horror movie should be rated PG-13. The maze itself was more laughable than anything, as they had probably 30 different people dressed up in that same grudge character costume walking around trying to be all spooky - which they weren't. I felt bad for them though. These poor bastards had to stay in that maze the entire night and listen to the annoying sounds of the croaking curse and the infernal meowing of cats. That's gotta be the worst job at the park.

Red Beard's Revenge was your typical pirate attraction, filled with all the snazzy swashbuckling you could desire. We also walked through the Lore of the Vampire maze, which is apparently one of the oldest attractions at the park, but they weren't really doing much at all. They were mostly just kinda sitting around looking all depressed. I could go to a goth club and see that kind of thing for a lot less money.

Now here were some real Halloween prizes. No Christmas aliens in sight, just ghosts and monsters. From there, we made our way into one of the strangest attractions of the entire evening, and I had an absolute blast in it... simply because I was laughing so much. We were entering Dark Realm - Laser Rage, and the guy on the right was one of the many absurd looking monster creations.

First off, when you enter the maze, you instantly recognize the music playing in the background: it's the music from the Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions movies! That combined with monsters was hysterical in its own right, but there's more. You can purchase a laser tag gun to shoot the monsters with while you walk through - and they'll shoot back at you. Music from The Matrix, monsters armed with laser tag guns... it was just too goddamned funny. And then we ran in to one of the coolest (and largest) animatronic creations in the entire park...

You couldn't shoot him with your laser gun (though people tried), but this big guy was quite a site. He seemed all too proud of the severed arm that he had torn off of some poor bastard (we assumed he ate the rest). Take a look at this video of him in action and if you listen closely, you'll hear the Matrix music in the background too.

Other than a few blurry shots of the various rollercoasters speeding on by, that pretty much takes care of all the photos we took. All in all, it was easily one of the most entertaining horror-themed parks we've been to and if you have the chance I definitely recommend checking out Knott's Scary Farm this season. We're definitely planning on going back again when we have more time to go on the actual rides. And besides, right down the road from Knott's is a "Medieval Times" restaurant and a "Pirate's Dinner Adventure Show" one too. If that doesn't sound like a day of cheesy fun, I don't know what does.

Questions or comments about this article?
Email -RoG-

click here for more minimocks!