It's that time again. It's
time for us to dare to test out yet another do-it-yourself food making
kit. We've tested out many of them in the past and our stomachs are still
reeling from the experience. And why do we do it? We do it for you, the
consumer. We do it because we care. We do it because we know that
everybody, whether they're 15 years old or 50, is in the market for a toy
which claims to create the same treats that you could buy at a fraction of
the price without having to go through the trouble of actually making
them. With that in mind, the product we are testing today is none other
than the McDonald's McFlurry™ Maker!
Well damn, it sure looks
like it makes a tasty McFlurry treat, but let's not all have a foodgasm
just yet. Time has proven again and again with food toys like this that
what you see on the box and when you end up creating are two completely
different things. What is interesting is that there's no batteries or
plugs with this thing, we're simply going to be making McFlurry treats
with the power of our hands! *GASP!* Another thing we've learned from
using products like these is that there's almost always something extra
that you have to buy. So there's no giant pack o' batteries to buy, but if
you read the fine print it does say that you'll need some Half & Half
cream, table salt, and ice. At least it's stuff you normally have in the
house, so it's easy enough.
See, now this is exactly the
kind of thing I don't want to see on the box of a product I buy. For one
thing, you know it's NEVER as simple as 1-2-3. There's always
additional steps and messes to be made along the way. And second, do you
notice something wrong with this picture? Some people see simplified
instructions on how to make your treat, but not me. I see racism. That's
right, good ol' Ronald McDonald is putting each kid in their place. Notice
how he's got the two non-white kids slaving away at making the treats
while the white girl just sits there doing nothing but eating the fruits
of their labor? The working kids are probably only smiling because Ronald
threatened to kill their parents if they didn't put on a happy face for
the camera. Hell, I'm sure there's some symbolism in that picture of the
white girl eating colored sprinkles too. I'm onto you Ronald! I'm
Alright, let's crack this
bad boy open and see what McFlurry fortunes are in our future.
Oh by the way, remember when
I said it's never as easy as 1-2-3? I guess I was wrong. One look at these
instructions, and you'll see that it's clearly as easy as 1-2-3:
I've seen plans for
skyscrapers that have less assembly steps than this thing, but whatever.
It doesn't matter if it's three steps or 300, nothing is going to stop us
from indulging in a homemade McFlurry! Before assembling the thing, we did
have a good cry about the daunting task that laid before us though.
After going through a box of
tissues, we dried our eyes and began to assemble the beast. Had we not
been high school graduates, we surely wouldn't have been able to complete
this mighty task. You hear that kids? BE COOL, STAY IN SCHOOL, OR NO
MCFLURRIES FOR JOO! Under my strict and what he described as "abusive"
supervision, Protoclown managed to assemble the McFlurry Maker machine.
Got that NASA? He put that machine together, so call him the next time
you're building a space shuttle, ok? The lad may be unemployed, but he
clearly has skills!
With the machine assembly
out of the way, it was time to start making our McFlurry!
The first ingredient we had
to add to the machine was the white blood of an albino sasquatch. Since
there was none readily available, I substituted it with Half & Half cream.
After carefully measuring a 3/4 cup of the creamy nectar, I poured it into
the metal canister. Just you wait cream; you're going to go through quite
a metamorphosis in the very near future!
Next up was the addition of
the Dessert Mix. As soon as I tore open the packet, I was blasted with the
scent of sugary goodness. Sure enough, sugar is the #1 ingredient in the
Dessert Mix. Carrageenan is the 5th ingredient. Now I don't know what
Carrageenan is, but I'm sure it's just a fancy word for "tasty carcinogen"
or something like that. Either way, who cares, this stuff has lots of
Sugar and Guar Gum in it. You just can't beat that combination. That's a
1-2 punch of flavor! Well if it was GWAR Gum instead of Guar, you could
beat it, but that's the only way.
All this excited
anticipation left me exhausted, so I handed back the baton of
responsibility to Protoclown to continue where I had left off.
All he had to do was attach
the mixing fin and the plastic lid to the metal canister, but Proto
couldn't seem to let the thing go. He had to pump it over and over again
as the sweat of ecstasy formed upon his brow. I had to remind him that we
were making a delicious McFlurry and not making love. He then asked me,
"What's the difference?"
And in a way... he had a
Fearing that he might molest
the next ingredient, I decided to help Proto with the next step. The
McFlurry Machine demanded ice from us and who were we to deny it? So we
hoisted the mighty bag of ice upon our broad, muscular and frankly sexy
shoulders and dumped it into the machine!
Yes, we bought a giant bag
of ice. And yes, we only used about 1/30th of its contents, but when the
box says you need ice, you don't take any chances. You go out to the store
and buy the biggest goddamned bag of ice you can find and don't look back!
Words to live by.
Now it was time to make the
ice cry like a slug by pouring salt all over it. This supposedly makes it
easier to turn the crank handle, but I think they had us pour salt on the
ice so that the roads would be clear by morning and then we'd all have to
go to school instead of getting another snow day where we could all go
sledding down the hill and laugh with glee and not let little Ricky join
in the fun because he smells kinda funny and he stole my juice box the
other week anyway and even when I told on him in class the teacher gave ME
detention and he got off scot free! Well look who's laughing now Ricky,
you sledless little fuck! LOOK WHO'S LAUGHING NOW!!! AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!
We then added some warm
water to the ice to soften it up even more and now it was time to put on
the main lid and prepare for some manly cranking! Little did we know that
this cranking would be a brutal test of endurance! According
to the instructions, we had to crank this thing for 4-6 minutes! They
don't make Marines go through that kind of hellish exertion at boot camp,
so why should we!? Because we want to make a McFlurry and no average joe
can accomplish such a feat. Ok McFlurry, we haven't come this far only to
quit now! Prepare to be cranked to the max!
WAKE ME UP
BEFORE YOU GO-GO!
After what seemed like 6
months of cranking rather than 6 minutes, we determined that the McFlurry
treat was ready for consumption!
So we removed the crank
which had stood up to our inhuman strength for over 6 minutes, and loaded
in the McFlurry Cup underneath the McFlurry Machine and aligned it with
the dispenser spout. Yes! It was time! It was finally time to expunge the
tasty fun from its oppressive McFlurry Machine captor!
We thrust the plastic
plunger deep into the gullet of the McBeast and pumped with all our might!
In the end, we were victorious and the McBeast was slain! And as for the
spoils of victory? Well...
It kind of looked like ghost
poop. Yes, as expected, our treat was a far cry from the one pictured on
the cover of the box. Forget about the fact that it looked like ghost
poop; it only filled up 1/3 of the cup at best! Oh but wait! Maybe we can
make it look better after all! We forgot one major ingredient!
Hrm, it looks a little more
fun now, but it's still not quite there yet. Ah ha! The instructions say
we need to use the crank with the lid of the cup to mix our McFlurry
together! That's gotta be what magically transforms it into what we saw on
the cover of the box!
Yeah well, that didn't
happen. In fact, it turned our sprinkled ghost poop into sprinkled ghost
poop soup. And while sprinkled ghost poop soup definitely has a
nice ring to it, it still doesn't look like a McFlurry. Not unless said
McFlurry was regurgitated into a cup. But hey, looks don't count for
everything right? Shame on you society! Shame on you for judging people
and McFlurries on their looks! Sure, this McFlurry may not be pretty on
the outside, but you can bet that it has a GREAT sense of humor and
is a lot of fun to talk to!
But what about how it
tastes? That's what we're really here for right? To see if this thing
stacks up against the flavor of a real-life McDonald's McFlurry? Well
then, let's get right to it.
I filled two small saucers
with the sprinkled ghost poop soup™; one for Protoclown and one for
Christine - our rocktacular volunteer camera girl for the day. Me, I
wasn't gonna eat out of a goddamned saucer... what am I, a fucking cat!?
No! I would only drink from the cup of the carpenter, where the McFlurry
was once semi-whole, like any real man would! We each had our McFlurry
portions and it was time to dig in. Ok, well it wasn't solid, so we
couldn't really "dig" in to it. But we could slurp it and that's just as
good as digging. Try to debate me on this fact and I'll skull-fuck you.
THE TASTE TEST!
You may think those are
sarcastic "thumbs up" expressions in those photos, but I swear to god
they're not. If I'm lying, Rumplestiltskin can come to my home and forget
about taking my first born child, he can tear off my testicles and do with
them as he pleases. Seriously, it may not look tasty, but it was a cool
sugary delight that was almost identical to the flavor of a real
Of course the point is moot
when you can only make two measly 1/3 cups of McFlurry treats with this
machine before you have to go track down some more refill packs. If you
want a McFlurry so badly, just go to McDonald's to save yourself the time
and the hassle. As I've said before, toys like this only exist to make
children feel like failures because their meal creations don't end up
looking like the photos on the box.