Samantha is now returning
home to her parking garage when she is attacked by one of Brell's hired
thugs. The guy apparently tries tearing her clothes off with the intention
of raping her, but like a superhero who just happens to be there at the
right time, Rip comes riding in on his Harley - complete with a "RIP 'EM"
license plate no less! He picks up the rapist thug onto the front of his
bike and then goes driving off with him. Rip then shouts, "Harley
and Me and You and the Tree!" and proceeds to jettison the guy off
of his bike and directly into a nearby tree after making the "RIP 'EM!"
hand gesture once again. You'd think he'd do a lot worse to a guy who just
tried to rape his girlfriend, but I guess that's just not how the Ripster
rolls, brother!
So, Rip's brother Randy
decides to go watch Zeus fight in person to learn more about him. During
the fight, we see Randy's wide range of emotions shine forth. I swear,
you'd think the only thing keeping this guy conscious during most of the
movie is smelling salts. No emotion, just a blank, dumbfounded stare. I
guess Rip inherited all the genes that mattered.
One thing leads to another,
and Zeus ends up beating the hell out of Randy. But hey, if anything good
came out of this it's that we finally get to see some new emotions coming
from Randy's face. Sure, we had to have Zeus beat the tar out of him to
achieve a new expression, but at least now we've seen Randy in PAIN.
And Zeus? My god, he's just
as glorious as ever. While he picks up Randy and chokes him, Zeus stares
at the ceiling and screams over and over. Then, after Randy is beaten
unconscious, Zeus celebrates his victory in the only way he knows how...
More staring at nothing,
making crazy faces and noises. God bless you, Zeus.
Next, we cut to Rip breaking
into the gym where Zeus trains at and he starts breaking all sorts of
stuff. Wait, Zeus trains in a gym? I figured his training involved him
standing in the center of a volcano while a mechanical crane drops
boulders onto him which he must destroy with his mighty punches. You learn
something new every day.
Anyway, Rip continues
tearing his way through the gym when he sees Zeus. He then runs up to
attack him and ends up crashing through a mirror. IT WAS A HOLOGRAM!
Oh man, did they ever set you up, Rip! Damn those evil TV networks and
their holographic technology! Damn them straight to hell!
Randy is now in the hospital
lying unconscious. This was probably the easiest part of the role for him
too... they didn't need to bust out the smelling salts for this scene. But
what about Rip? Rip is all torn up about it, that's what.
God that was a bad pun and I'm quite proud of it. Why? Because it's right
on par with the script of this movie. Anyway, Rip is crying over his
brother Randy, and this is where we see Hulk Hogan unleash his acting
abilities upon the world. Look at those tears in his eyes! Look at that
pain! Look at that moustache! Look at that... that...
The only way this scene
could have been better is if they played my favorite song by Hulk Hogan in
the background: The
World Just Lost Another Hulkamaniac. They totally should've killed
off Randy because that would've been the perfect reason to play the song.
Come on guys, that's simply good marketing! It's just common sense!
With his brother beaten and
his girlfriend almost raped, the fight between Rip and Zeus is officially
on and their training begins. Zeus' training naturally involves a whole
lot of screaming and punching cinder blocks that are suspended from
chains. Rip's training, however, involved helping his brother Randy
through physical therapy, teaching him to walk again and presumably
changing his bed pan. Hey, whatever gets you pumped up for a big fight,
right? Rip 'em, little brother!
By the way, Zeus punching
those cinder blocks is how I always imagined people trained at Gold's
Gyms. I refuse to go into one of their gyms because I know it will be a
crushing disappointment when I discover that this is not how everybody
actually trains in there.
Just before the fight, Rip gets a call from Brell who informs him that
he's taken Samantha hostage and if Rip doesn't throw the fight after 10
minutes, Samantha is gonna end up in a wheelchair just like Randy. Rip
sends some of his pals off to go find Samantha while he goes on to fight
Zeus in the ring. Randy is there in his wheel chair and tells Rip
to.................. come on people, you know this.................... RIP 'EM!
Zeus walks in wearing an
outfit that looks like it was taken directly from the wardrobe of
Battlestar Galactica. Well, I guess it's better than flying in a rainbow
helicopter. Believe it or not, Zeus doesn't whip out a blaster gun from
that outfit to shoot Rip with. He just calmly takes it off and enters the
ring...
After giving each other the
big staredown, Zeus begins pounding away at Rip. He knees Rip in the
crotch, chokes him with his own shirt, he tosses him into the buckles, he
even picks him up by the throat with one arm! I wish he picked up Rip by
the face like he did with that waitress earlier in the movie, but this was
still satisfying enough.
While Zeus continues to
manhandle Rip, Samantha manages to sneak past the guards who are busy
watching the fight on TV. She makes it to the outside of the ring just in
time to see Zeus nearly kill her boyfriend. Zeus literally tears off one
of the big metal corner posts from the wrestling ring and tries to drive
it through Rip's face while he's lying on the ground. Once again, they
really wanted to drive home the point that Zeus wasn't just a wrestler, he
was a murdering maniac.
As Zeus drives the heel of
his steel-toed boot into Rip's neck, Randy sits there helplessly outside
the ring and begins to cry. Not only does he cry, but his pinky finger
begins to twitch! Oh my god, his finger is twitching!!!!!! Wait a minute... before the
fight, while Zeus was punching cinder blocks, they show Rip helping his
little brother walk again, but now he can barely even move his pinky
finger!? That just doesn't add up! I know it's unfathomable that
a rock-solid movie script like "No Holds Barred" would have a plot hole,
but there it is folks. There it is in all of its twitchy glorly.
Upon seeing his little
brother crying with a twitching pinky finger, Rip goes into that classic "I
am
now crazy and indestructible" mode that we've all seen Hulk Hogan do
countless times in wrestling matches just when you think he's done for.
Plus it's all in slow motion, and very reminiscent of a Van Damme flick. He
gets that psychotic look in his eyes, starts breathing extra heavy and
punches don't even phase him. For the first time ever, even Zeus looks a
little bit scared.
After stunning Zeus with a
flurry of punches, Rip squares him up for his double-handed head-smashing
finishing move and connects with it. Still, this is Zeus we're talking
about, he's not done out for the count just yet. As the fight goes outside
of the ring, Zeus knocks Rip down and then starts to walk away but Randy
somehow throws himself out of his chair and in front of Zeus... as if he
had a chance in hell of stopping him. I'm pretty sure Randy's job in this film is to
show as little emotion as possible, get his
ass kicked and then cry a lot when he's finally ready to show some emotion.
Rip chases Zeus up the
stairs and after Zeus knocks him back down he starts to celebrate. While
Zeus raises his arms in glory, Brell yells at him to watch out for Rip
who's sneaking up behind him. Rip starts unloading punch after punch onto
Zeus while Brell goes insane with anger, destroying most of the equipment
in the TV control room. With Zeus barely able to stand up, Rip delivers
one last double-axe-hammer onto his head which knocks him off of the ledge
all the way down into the middle of the octagon ring below.
Zeus lands so hard that the
entire ring caves in on itself. He lays there completely unconscious with
blood trickling out the side of his mouth. Maybe he's supposed to be dead?
Who knows. But I can tell you one person who definitely is gonna die...
Brell.
With Zeus defeated, Rip
turns his attention to Brell who's now all alone in the TV control room.
As Rip growls at him, Brell shouts, "You stay away! Stay away you
JOCK ASS!" and then proceeds to grab some of the malfunctioning
equipment that he smashed before, electrocuting himself in the process.
BRELL, YOU JOCK ASS!
With all the bad guys put to
bed, Rip celebrates not by kissing his girlfriend like they would in most
action movies. No, he celebrates by hoisting up his crippled brother as
they both make the "RIP 'EM!" gesture one last time. No Holds Barred
may
have not broken any box office records, but by god, it's a downright hilarious
80's action gem that absolutely must be released on DVD. I'm still
amazed that it hasn't been, but maybe we can make that happen like we did
with
Gymkata. Until then, I guess
you'll have to find a used VHS copies of the movie and "RIP 'EM!"
to your computer instead.
Have any
questions or comments about this piece?
Email -RoG-
Click Play to watch the
original Trailer!
Click Play to watch a clip from
the infamous "Dookie" scene!
