Peeps. When you mention that word to most people, they think of marshmallowy candies that peep-up every Easter so we can eat them and blow them up in our microwaves. The truth, however, is that they're peeping-up all year long for us to eat and blow to smithereens. There's Christmas Peeps, Halloween Peeps, Valentine's Day Peeps... hell, they've even put out "Patriotic Peeps". Hey, if eating a marshmallow candy is considered patriotic, then I'm more than willing to my duty as a citizen of this country. And while I'm on the subject of our country, did you know that Peeps have been on tour all year long? Yep, believe it or not, the Peeps have their very own "Peeps Fun Bus" which they have been driving from state to state in. According to their web site, the Peeps Fun Bus promised to "be filled with Peep-tastic games and activities. Get a chance to make fun Peeps crafts, win some Peeps prizes and take a tour of the Peeps." It even showed a picture of a person in a giant Peeps costume! Now how could that not be awesome? We missed the fun bus when it came to Richmond earlier in the year, but we noticed it was appearing at a Dollar General store in Norfolk... roughly a 2 hour drive. Granted, any person with reason and logic would not drive that far to go see the Peeps Fun Bus. It's a good thing my chums and I don't possess either of those things, eh? Your damn right. So we all crammed into a little car and so began our quest for Peeps...

Very few things in life can bring a tear to my eye... but after driving 2 hours to see a goddamned bus, you had better believe I was all Niagara Falls when I saw it in the distance. A mighty giant Peep sat perched upon the top of the glorious mobile... even with the dark clouds looming about (which the evil peeps probably brought with them) the bus looked extremely radiant and inviting. After changing the pants that we all simultaneously wet, we hopped out of the car and ran up to get a closer look.

If this was an exercise in containing our excitement, we failed. "Welcome to Peepsville" were the words that greeted us. Apparently, this was no run of the mill fun bus... this was a MAGIC fun bus that contained a mystical land known as Peepsville. An entire town crammed into a bus? Well, considering I could cram an entire pack of Peeps into my mouth, I was willing to buy into that tale.

The Horn on the Bus goes "PEEP, PEEP, PEEP!"

Upon boarding the bus I realized that somebody had left the friggin' thing turned on. Naturally, I assumed that sitting in the driver's seat was all part of the tour, but the Peep bus slaves... er... employees didn't seem to appreciate my sitting there. Actually, they seemed downright nervous. Not that I cared though. I just drove almost 2 goddamned hours to come see the thing and they should've been thanking their lucky Peeps that I didn't drive the fun bus back home with me.

Here's one of the strange things. There was a first aid kit on the bus for the Peeps. These things are bred to be consumed and/or blown up in microwaves, so why the need for a first aid kit? Perhaps the Peeps once rebelled against and killed their bus driver? I fear this will forever remain a mystery that only the most evil of Peeps know the answer to. With that chilling thought in our minds, we pressed forth.

Peepsville wasn't as much a real town as it was just a painting on a wall. One of the workers on the bus informed us that this wall was the perfect spot to take photographs. I didn't see anything that great about it, but rather than shatter the one thing that the Peeps employees live for, we went ahead and took the photo. Yep, Peepsville just got three new residents and boy oh boy, the town is going to shit faster than you can say peep.

Next on our tour of the Fun bus was an odd Peeps display. It was just a dome that was completely stuffed with Peeps. I thought there might be some way to get into the Peeps so I could enjoy a snack, but despite my best efforts, the dome was impenetrable. I told Protoclown I wanted to bring a sledgehammer on the trip, but he was all like "What the fuck do you need a sledgehammer for!? I'm not letting you bring that shit in my car!" I bet he feels like an ass now. Word to the wise people: If you have a sledgehammer, always keep it nearby. It just might come in handy. Speaking of Protoclown, he really seemed to enjoy the stuffed Peeps bunny rabbit with the 3D glasses. Why it was wearing 3D glasses, I can't say for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if it had something to do with the fact that it sustained a diet of nothing but sugary marshmallow candies.

Up next was a display that reminded us why America really is a great place to live. It was an amazing display of Patriotic Peeps on an American flag. We couldn't help ourselves from putting our hands on our hearts and singing the Pledge of Allegiance. We then gave a salute to those brave Patriotic Peeps and went on our way.

Remember how I said the web site mentioned "Peeps Crafts" as part of the excitement on the fun bus? We were expecting to be given packs of peeps and Elmer's Glue, glitter, and googley eyes to make all sorts of crazy Peeps Crafts with the possibility of winning some Peeps prizes. Sadly, there was nothing of the sort on this bus. The only crafts that were on the bus were drawings that some kids did. It was amusing looking at the wide range of artistic talents that these kids had. It ranged from an impressive landscape drawing of "Peeps in Prague" by an anonymous artist to a pathetic green crayon "Peeps are cool!" drawing by Jack Johnston. You would think Jack would want to be anonymous, but no... he was apparently so proud of his masterpiece, which took all of 30 seconds to draw, that he had to sign his name on it. Thanks Jack, your artwork really made our long drive worth it.

Sadly, this was the best of the Peeps crafts.

While the "A Peeps Craft" sign was an impressive waste of paper, things began to look up. We came to a small hallway on the bus which had a variety of cute Peeps seasonal displays. And this is where the Peeps people went all out. The seasonal displays had buttons you could press which enabled you to make them LIGHT UP!

EASTER!

HALLOWEEN!

VALENTINE'S DAY!

CHRISTMAS!

BEACH?

Ok, I'm not sure how the beach one really fit in with the other holidays. Maybe it was just supposed to be a summer vacation. The thing was so friggin cute that none of us really cared whether or not it fit in with the other Peeps holiday displays.

The "activities" that the web site promised was actually just one "activity" which they called "Match-a-Peep". There were a bunch of large Peeps magnets stuck to the wall along with small mirrors which I could only assume were there for the employees to cut their cocaine when nobody was touring the bus. Hey, you gotta make your money on the road somehow, right? Anyway, the object of the game was to stick the magnets on the correct holiday. This proved to be entertaining for all of 5 seconds, especially when you considered that a few of the magnets had been stolen or lost, hence making it impossible for us to play a few "Match-a-Peep" games against each other.

Next were some amusing Peeps ads showing how they originally tried to make the seasonal peeps. There was the Santa Peep, the Ghost Peep, the Uncle Sam peep, and the French peep. Personally, I wish Peeps came in these little outfits, but the posters state that they are just for show and that they come in a variety of shapes for each holiday now instead. Seeing the Uncle Sam and French peeps side by side did give me an idea however...

MORTAL PEEPBAT!

If developers know what's good for them, they'll have this game
out on the Playstation, X-Box, and Gamecube by early next year.

In the back of the bus was a crazy lady who wanted to shove Peeps into our mouths. "The first taste is free" she said like a true dealer. We had no idea how long the Peeps had been sitting on the colorful fish tray, but after eating them, I would guess at least a few weeks. In exchange for eating their leftover peeps, we were awarded with Peeps 50th anniversary stickers. They were tiny stickers that rivaled the low quality stickers you get after a visit to the dentist, but they were free so who were we to complain? Oh wait, that's right, we drove 2 friggin' hours... so we had every right to complain.

DIE PEEPS DIE!

We scarfed down as many free Peeps treats as they would give us. I have to admit, I felt like an angry giant that had just trampled through an innocent little town while eating some of its inhabitants. Pillaging never tasted so good.

Before exiting the bus we got to read up on the history of Peeps. You know a company has an exciting history when they can fit it all onto one small area of a bus. It was nice to see all the varieties of Peeps though. Of course, one our way out they had to confuse us once more. They had a welcome mat on the ground where you EXIT the bus. Rather than have you wipe your feet before you enter the bus, they apparently wanted people to wipe their feet when the left. Peepsville... you truly are a baffling land.

So let's see here, there were no Peeps crafts for us to work on, there was one activity available in which half of the magnets were missing, and to top it all off, there was no person in a giant Peeps costume for us to hump. The Peeps lady informed us that the person in the giant Peeps costume only makes appearances at major events. Listen lady, if parking a school bus with a giant Peep on top of it in front of a Dollar General store isn't a major event, I don't know what is.

And speaking of Dollar General, we decided to pay their store a visit since they were nice enough to have the Peeps Semi-Fun Bus make an appearance...

AWARDS!

We may have not received any prizes for making Peeps crafts like we had hoped we would, but that wasn't going to stop us. Upon entering the Dollar General store we found an entire rack of awards similar to the ones they gave out on "field day" back in elementary school. "Missing Tooth Award", "I Like Myself Award", "I'm a Big Boy Award", "Potty Training Award", and "Caught Being Good Award" were just a few of the prizes that we gave ourselves. Things were certainly looking up.

And just look at the cute little bonnet that Protoclown tried on. I swear we had to hold him down just so he wouldn't run out the front door and go prancing in an open field.

In an attempt to distract him, I showed him how I would look in a nice new outfit. While it did distract him, it led to some sex in the back of the Dollar General store. But in the heat of the moment we forgot something vital...

WE DIDN'T USE PROTECTION!

He walked up to me with a Pregnancy test and I have to admit, I was scared shitless. Sure enough, he took the test and the results were positive. Yes folks, Protoclown is pregnant. After receiving this shocking news, we had to step outside for some fresh air.

Awwwwwwww!

We noticed that the Peeps bus was now shutdown and the sign said that the Peeps were sleeping. After a long drive and an in-store impregnation, we were pretty tired too, so we decided to take a little nap as well.

The nap was short-lived though, because it started to drizzle. We all posed for one last picture in front of the "Always in season" Peeps Fun Bus, and then hopped back into the car for a long drive home.

We were making pretty decent time and only had about 67 miles to go when... RAIN. It rained like a mofo. I supposed this dreary weather was a fitting end to a "Fun Bus" trip that didn't quite live up to the "Fun" part. They really do mislead you on their web site with that crap about "games and activities" and how you could meet the giant Peeps character in person. They could have at least said on the phone recording that the Peeps character wouldn't be appearing there. Instead, the phone recording was so garbled that we had to listen to it about 15 times just to make out what the address of the place was. Sorry Peeps, the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Mobile kicked your ass all over the place. I guess it's things like this that have made people want to blow up so many Peeps in their microwaves. In all honesty, I can't blame them one bit.

the end.

-RoG-

DAMN YOU PEEP-MAN! DAMN YOU!

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