by: -RoG-

...CONTINUED

NO! NOT THE HAMSTER!

Sorry folks, the hamster is now slug food. Hey, don't blame me, blame yourself. You clicked the link to see what happens. Besides, it's a "horror" movie about killer slugs. Is a hamster attack really all that surprising when it comes to a flick like this? I think not.

Meanwhile, Bobby and his gal (the same kids that couldn't stop kissing earlier in the movie) are now at home gettin' their freak on. And there is a lot of ass in this scene. It's really an absurd amount of ass. First you see a hearty portion of Bobby's man-ass humping away (that is, when he's not chugging down some Jack Daniels). Then he gets up to walk away only to discover the entire room is filled with SLUGS!

A slug bites a big chunk out of Bobby's foot, which freaks him and his girl out. The girl jumps out of bed and slips on a bunch of slug slime and land face down in a floor full of slugs. Then begin to eat her while Bobby cries helplessly on the bed. But instead of trying to save her bloody, naked body, he tries to climb out the window to save his own ass. Nice try Bobby. The slugs pull him down and eat him too, Man-ass 'n all. I tell ya, there's just something special about naked people being eaten alive by slugs that brings out the best in movies like this.

Look! Bad things were right here under our noses all along!

After the bloody assfest, we cut back to Mike and Don in the office trying to figure out what's been going on lately. Mike is already pretty suspicious that the recent deaths are somehow related to the slugs. Those slime trails give 'em away every time I tell ya! Anyway, Don has been doing some research and he discovered that, way back in the 50's and 60's, half of the town was a (uh oh, time to ring the cliché bell again!) TOXIC WASTE DUMP! They think that the bulldozers for the new shopping center must have broken the seal on the old toxic waste dump and released those pesky toxins.

Amazing isn't it? There's so many horror movies out there, yet anytime something freaky occurs like the dead rising from their graves, pets attacking their owners, or chess champions going rabid, they always find a way to blame it on toxic waste. Then again, we are dealing with a movie about huge carnivorous slugs and there probably aren't many other good explanations for something like that. There's not really a good explanation as to why I own the DVD either, so I'll blame that on toxic waste too.

Sooooo... Dave, the yuppie guy, is now at a fancy restaurant and ready to close the deal on the shopping center. Somehow I don't think the Rolaids he took to help his aching stomach are going to help too much.

Sorry Dave, I think your meeting is gonna have to be postponed. You see Dave, you just had a nasty bloody nose and then your face just exploded. It exploded with wormy things. WORMS!? Wait, I thought this movie was called SLUGS! Oh, you thought you found a hole in this brilliant plot didn't ya! Wrong buck-o, the writers of this superb script have the wormy loophole under control. The worms are actually "a virulent parasite found in the bloodstreams of slugs" according to John the science lab guy. We also learn that slugs are hermaphroditic. Well fuck... with lessons like these, Bill Nye the science guy had better watch his ass, cuz John might put him out of business!

Mike soon rushes off to Mr. Phillips at the town water supply office to inform him about how the water in the town has been contaminated by mutated slugs and it must be turned off. Phillips naturally tells Mike that he's nuts and "doesn't have the authority to declare happy birthday!" let alone a health emergency. I can just picture the writer kicking back in his chair with pride after coming up with that line. So, Mike calls Phillips a crazy son of a bitch and then runs off to talk to the mayor. GO MIKE! YOU DA MAN!

Naturally, the mayor isn't interested in what Mike has to say. He's busy wrapping up the deal with the same people who ate lunch with Dave. I love how horror movies always portray the rich like that. These people just at lunch with a guy whose face exploded with worms right before their very eyes, and here they are less than an hour later, working on "closing the deal" for a new shopping center. Oh how resilient the human heart truly is...

That slug just got vaporized! You da' man, John!

Back at the lab (again), John the science guy has just developed a lithium-based arsenic that can kill the slugs in a heartbeat. "Lithium is highly combustible when it comes into contact with moisture." Another lesson from John that none of will ever, ever forget. So the plan is for John to make enough of his patented Slugkiller potion , and to take it to the slugs main nest in the sewers. They're also hoping they don't blow up the whole town in the process. Yeah, that's probably a good idea guys.

On a side note: John the science guy speaks in a British accent. Why? Because he's the smart guy in the movie, and as we all know, you can't be smart if you don't have a good British accent. Oh yeah, and glasses too.

So after some drawn-out scenes where Mike and Don say goodbye to their wives cuz they're-a-goin-slug-huntin, the plan starts to come together. They meet up with John the science guy 3 hours later and plan to lure all of the slugs into one place so they can all be killed at once. Just how do they plan on doing this? Well, they never really do answer that, but this thing isn't gonna win a Pulitzer anyway. Now we gotta cut to the Halloween party that I spoke of earlier on. And if we've learned anything from horror movies in the past, it's that kids die when they party.

And what else says "party" like rape does? The "good girl" who wanted to stay home and study isn't being cooperative with the guys who want her body. Shame on her! She's supposed to be having sex damnit! Well, she escapes her assailant only to be eaten alive by slugs soon after. Yeah, that'll teach her not to have unprotected sex!

Meanwhile, or heroes in the sewers are working their way to the main slug nest. And just for the hell of it, they electrocute a bunch of the bastards by melting down some electric cable. I think this only pisses them off more, since while they're being electrocuted they now flow through the sewers like water. As Mike and Don continue on through the sewers, they find that there's seemingly an unending supply of the slugs. And just when they find the main nest...

WOOOOSH!

Don gets knocked into the main Slug nest by a burst of sewer water! And although he is wearing a really nifty protective suit that the members of Devo would love, it's no match for the main slug nest. Even Mike can't save him now. Sorry to see ya go Don, you were a real trooper. After seeing his friend eaten alive, Mike climbs up out of the sewer and meets up with John the science guy and the sheriff. They quickly dump John's anti-slug solution, and sure enough it kills the slugs.

It also blows up half the town. Guess they didn't plan that part too good after all. But hey, the loss of half a town is a small price to pay when it comes to getting rid of huge man-eating slugs right? RIGHT! Now everybody in the town can get back to their normal lives of fishing, hamsters, and rape.

OR CAN THEY?

the end.

Email -RoG-

And by the way... believe it or not this movie was based on a novel:

note: To those of you who liked Slugs, be sure to check out "Night of the Creeps" for some more sluggy horror goodness. Chances are I'll review that flick sometime in the near future too. Either way, it's definitely worth watching at least once. More spooky Halloween goodness coming soon!

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