Sure enough,
the two of them graduate with flying colors and they are awarded police
badges and uniforms at their graduation ceremonies. Looks like Bobby is
gonna need a bigger uniform though, cuz when he gives a salute, his
bulging biceps cause his sleeve to tear. Oh the hilarity! So what do two
rookie cops get assigned to for their first day on the job? Patrolling the
streets? Nope. Traffic duty? Nope. Paperwork? Nope.
Hot witness
protection? BINGO! That's right, on their first day, these two
rookie cops are assigned to protect Rita Valentine (played by Jennifer
Runyon) who witnessed some undercover cops get murdered and needs to be in
court later on. So they get to protect a hot witness while the other
rookies are out directing traffic? Makes sense to me. She's awfully
nervous, but when Bobby tells her "everybody can be scared, even we are
sometimes." is he deep voice, her nerves are calmed almost
immediately. Sensitive wrestling superstars. Awww.
(note:
if Jennifer Runyon looks familiar to you, it's because she was the main
love interest of Scott Baio on Charles in Charge. She was also the
girl in Ghostbusters who Bill Murray said was psychic because he liked her
while he electro-shocked the hell out of the male student. Actually,
almost every guy had a crush on her back in the 80's.)
Soon enough,
some bad guys who were paid to kill Rita show up at the house and even
though Rick and Bobby are armed with guns, they choose to do things the
old fashioned way. Bobby literally pulls out the carpet from one of the
bad guys, then the two of them "tag team" up on the hitman and throw him
out the window. Good to see all that firearms training at the police
academy paid off for 'em.
Yeah well,
while they were fighting the bad guys, Rita climbed out the window and ran
away because... well... because she's an idiot. Nonetheless, they can't
seem to trace her down and have to report back to headquarters. There, the
captain puts them on suspension even though they did their job. Shortly
after, Rick is in the locker room with Bobby and he starts to get all
emotional about how he felt like he finally found a place where he
belongs. For a second there, I swear I thought he was gonna cry.
Fortunately,
when Bobby hears this, he remembers Rita talking about the animals she
takes care of and how they "needed a place to belong" too. He puts two and
two together and believes they'll find Rita at the local animal shelter!
Sure enough,
she's there! How's that for some super detective work, eh? Eat your heart
out, Sherlock. Anyway, Rita apologizes for running away and they're more
than understanding about it. I think it's because she's making a pouty
face and she's taking care of an injured dog that has no home. Wrestling
cops... they're always suckers for the pouty-faced chicks who nurse
injured dogs.
Next, they
drive Rita to the courthouse because she has to testify as a witness to
the murder, but it's not gonna be that easy to get in. Some bad guys are
waiting outside the courthouse to stop her!
Don't worry
though, Rick and Bobby are ready for the bad guys and then some. They
climb up onto a ledge that overlooks where the hitmen are standing and
then prepare to jump down on them. Mind you, this is a jump that no human
could possibly make without shattering both of his legs. So what we're
treated to is some hilariously bad editing. Part 1: We see them
contemplate the jump. 2: We see a shot of them jumping in the air.
3: We see a shot of them standing on the ground as if they just
made this miraculous jump and the thugs have a slightly delayed falling
reaction. Ah... it's TV magic I tell ya!
So they
start kickin' the crap outta the bad guys for a while, but then one of
them plays dirty by grabbing a fistful of dirt and throwing it in Bobby's
face. Say, didn't the Samurai Brothers do something like that to them
earlier in the show? Wow! What a coincidence!! Bobby is now struggling for
his life as the bad guy has him pinned up against a tree and is choking
him death with a shovel handle. So what does he do in his time of need? He
reaches his hand out to his buddy Rick and we are treated to something
amazing:
I shit you
not, HE ACTUALLY TAGS HIS PARTNER AS IF THEY'RE IN A WRESTLING MATCH!!!
It's a fucking classic moment of pure hilarity and whatever TV executive
turned down this show should be burned alive for denying us from seeing
more episodes with scenes like this.
As you might
expect, from that point on they have no problem manhandling the remaining
hitmen. I'm not sure what rubbing his hands in the guy's face was supposed
to accomplish, but Rick sure seemed to have fun doing it. With the bad
guys defeated, or "faced" as some might claim, Rita is able to make
it to the hearing just in the nick of time to testify. Hooray for Rick and
Bobby! You did it guys! You saved the day!
Later on
Rita shows up at their apartment as is treated to the sweaty chest hairs
of Bobby who's been working out. Rick then hops out of the shower and
comes to greet her when she unveils her surprise: she brought them that
dog she was nursing back to health earlier in the show! Awww. The dog
jumps up onto Rick and he starts chuckling about it. Rita tells them
they're gonna have to give the dog a name, and Rick tells her they've
already got one. Then, in perfect unison, Rick and Bobby shakes hands and
name the dog "BODYSLAM!"
And there
you have it, the pilot episode of "Tag Team" - a show that never
was but clearly should have been. If nothing else, the pilot episode has
taught us all something very important: the next time you see a wrestling
superstar, please remember... they're not just here to entertain us.
They're also here...
TO PROTECT AND SERVE!
Have any questions or comments
about this piece?
Email -RoG-
***BONUS!***
Click above to watch the final
showdown
from the pilot episode of "Tag Team"!
