Like
Swindle, this guy isn't in the movie, but is supposed to appear in the
video game based on the movie based on the toy line. His color scheme
sucks a fat one, but I've certainly seen far worse looking toys. I just
can't get over how many of these guys have little tiny feet or legs that
are supposed to support their massive frame. I doubt this toy would stand
up on his own, so how are we supposed to believe that such a robot could
stand and walk around?
Bumblebee (Legends)
I don't even
understand why they bothered making this "Legends" series of toys, except
maybe for the poor kids, because these trashy things look like the kind of
cheap "toy" that sticks on the end of your pencil eraser more than
something you can actually play with. This version of Bumblebee looks like
he lost his neck to steroid abuse and too much working out.
Megatron (Legends)
This version
of Megatron was created by Vincent Price, who sadly, did not have time to
craft real hands for him before he died, which is why he's stuck with
scissors for hands now. Will Megatron be able to find love despite his
dangerous-to-everyone-around-him-especially-his-lover handicap?
Optimus Prime
(Legends)
This
fearsome Optimus Prime looks like he was made from Duplo blocks, which
certainly gives him a durable aura of total badassosity, does it not? His
wrists appear to be permanently twisted into crooked claws, probably from
too much self-abuse *wink wink nudge nudge*.
Ratchet (Legends)
Someone
didn't even care enough about this version of Ratchet to bother giving him
hands, instead leaving him with hatchet (which rhymes with Ratchet!)-like
meat cleaver appendages. Given that he's the Autobot medic, I'm guessing
that his most common remedy for any ailments would be amputation.
Optimus Prime
(Voyager)
There's some
other series called the "Voyager" series, in which they remade Optimus
Prime and Megatron again, in a slightly different way so they can gobble
up more money from the collectors who will buy any shit with the
Transformers logo on the package. This one isn't really that different
from the "Leader" version of Prime, apart from being skinnier; he's just
extremely unremarkable and doesn't have the memorable iconic simplicity of
the classic 1980s version of the character.
Megatron (Voyager)
It looks
like Megatron just got done fighting Mr. Freeze and got zapped with his
freeze ray more than a few times. I don't know why this version is coated
in ice, or why his hands have been replaced with tree roots, but I do know
that this is one of the most retarded looking toys I've ever laid eyes on.
There's another series of bizarre "accessory" type Transformers called
"Real Gear" that I don't think are actually in the movie in any way,
shape, or form (at least, I hope they're not), but they've been released
as a tie-in with the movie anyway.
Longview
Look out,
Decepticons! Longview is here to spy on you, if some other person happens
to be there to actually hold him up, and he's going to be witness to all
your dirty laundry during his creepy, voyeuristic missions. Longview's
greatest enemies are low-hanging tree branches and door frames everywhere.
Power Up VT6
Power Up VT6
takes on the insidious form of a handheld game system (he's trying to get
at your kids!), and transforms into a robot that's lame enough that
even Go-Bots make fun of him and throw rocks at him on a regular basis.
It's not easy being Power Up VT6.
Booster x10
Booster x10
has a remarkable resemblance to Laserbeak, one of Soundwave's most
utilized cassette tapes back in the day. His package sports the tagline
"Download. Distribute. Destroy." Sadly, thanks to the iPod, no one will
actually make use of this mp3 player, so he won't ever have a chance to
infiltrate any place in his mp3 disguise.
Speed Dial 800
I don't even
have any idea how this guy can see, because he has a giant tumor taking up
two thirds of his head. Fortunately his secret weapon is the number pad on
his chest. As he's fighting his enemies, they punch the numbers that end
up calling his backup in to save his sorry ass.
Spyshot 6
Only
marginally less lame than the old Decepticon triplets who turned into a
camera, this guy is probably going to be the first to go down in any
fight, on account of his having a gigantic target painted right in the
middle of his body. I mean, what Decepticon worth their salt wouldn't aim
right for the giant "kick me" sign splayed across his chest?
Zoom Out 25x
You know, a
lot of these "Real Gear" robots have this whole spying theme going on,
which makes me wonder... maybe they're hoping that children will use these
toys as an excuse to spy on their neighbors WHO MAY BE TERRORISTS. In any
event, this guy looks like he's been taken over by Star Trek's Borg. And
he's got some crazy shoulder pads there... maybe they should have called
him Linebacker.
Mister Potato Head
Transformers: Optimash Prime
All I wanna
know is how baked the creators were when they came up with this idea. This
one isn't really a movie tie-in, but how could I not include it? Optimash
Prime is a Taterformer, and since he clearly can't change into an
alternate vehicle mode, what can he do to live up to his Transformers
name? I'm glad you read that question I wrote (which is just as good as
asking it, in my book), because I'll tell you. Optimash Prime transforms
hope into despair, as a starving victim of a potato famine reaches out for
one last desperate meal, only to find that this supposed potato is
actually a plastic robot defending the Earth from other plastic robots.
And, he comes with a moustache!
Optimus Prime
Voice Changer Helmet
Then we have
the Optimus Prime Voice Changer Helmet, which, unlike the Darth Vader
Voice Changer Helmet, actually fits on the head of a grown man, so I guess
what that really proves is that the Transformers division of Hasbro knows
their fanbase better than the Star Wars division. If you are over the age
of twelve and want to ensure that no female will ever speak to you again,
you can put on this helmet and press a button to spout off random
catchphrases that sound about as much like Optimus Prime as Darth Vader
does. Alternately, you can speak for yourself and have your voice altered
to what Prime might sound like if he was a chain smoker and he gargled a
tasty little mixture of self-loathing, gravel, and pop rocks.
If you'd
like to hear exactly what it sounds like, check out a video of it in
action here.
Transformers
Optimus Prime and Starscream
Converting Arm Blasters
Also, there
are Optimus Prime and Starscream "converting arm blasters", so you can
really feel like part of the action. You too can be just like Optimus
Prime in the movie, during the climactic scene where he picks up the tiny
superdeformed toy of himself, transforms it into a gun while making "CHK
CHK CHK" noises, and then puts it over his hand and shoots a dart at
Megatron. Or, if you prefer the side of evil, you can pretend you're
Starscream firing the classic gun version of Megatron, even though it in
no way resembles him or any gun at all really, but will still probably get
some stupid child shot by a police officer.
Super Soaker
Transformers Water Shooter
And finally,
the Transformers Super Soaker, which really doesn't have anything at
all to do with Transformers except for the Autobot symbol on the side.
Maybe it transforms water into humiliation, because you can totally aim it
at your friend's crotch and make him look like he completely pissed
himself, which brings up some disturbing questions about why you're so
fixated on your friend's crotch that you want to shoot little streams of
water at it, but save that for your shrink's office, because I'm not
getting paid to listen to your problems, and who the hell do you think you
are anyway?
So there's a basic rundown of the new movie toys. You can see for yourself
from these pictures that many of them look pretty crappy. And though some
of them may only have a passing resemblance to their movie counterparts, I
still feel that the character designs overall are far too cluttered and
busy to be in any way easily recognizable like the classic versions were.
I know there are those of you who disagree with me and think the new movie
looks great, but since the Transformers are one of my favorite
cartoons/toy lines from my childhood, I don't take kindly to seeing them
butchered into something unrecognizable. Frankly I'd rather them not do a
live-action movie at all if they're unable to stick to the source
material.
I'd like to
thank
Seibertron.com for providing me with some of these pics. They're a
great site for Transformers info, new and old, so check them out if you're
a fan.
And finally,
because it made me laugh out loud when I saw it in the latest issue of
ToyFare magazine, I leave you with this Halloween costume that I sincerely
hope I see somebody wearing this year.
