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Transformers: The Movie Toys!
by: Protoclown



Like Swindle, this guy isn't in the movie, but is supposed to appear in the video game based on the movie based on the toy line. His color scheme sucks a fat one, but I've certainly seen far worse looking toys. I just can't get over how many of these guys have little tiny feet or legs that are supposed to support their massive frame. I doubt this toy would stand up on his own, so how are we supposed to believe that such a robot could stand and walk around?

Bumblebee (Legends)

I don't even understand why they bothered making this "Legends" series of toys, except maybe for the poor kids, because these trashy things look like the kind of cheap "toy" that sticks on the end of your pencil eraser more than something you can actually play with. This version of Bumblebee looks like he lost his neck to steroid abuse and too much working out.

Megatron (Legends)

This version of Megatron was created by Vincent Price, who sadly, did not have time to craft real hands for him before he died, which is why he's stuck with scissors for hands now. Will Megatron be able to find love despite his dangerous-to-everyone-around-him-especially-his-lover handicap?

Optimus Prime (Legends)

This fearsome Optimus Prime looks like he was made from Duplo blocks, which certainly gives him a durable aura of total badassosity, does it not? His wrists appear to be permanently twisted into crooked claws, probably from too much self-abuse *wink wink nudge nudge*.

Ratchet (Legends)

Someone didn't even care enough about this version of Ratchet to bother giving him hands, instead leaving him with hatchet (which rhymes with Ratchet!)-like meat cleaver appendages. Given that he's the Autobot medic, I'm guessing that his most common remedy for any ailments would be amputation.

Optimus Prime (Voyager)

There's some other series called the "Voyager" series, in which they remade Optimus Prime and Megatron again, in a slightly different way so they can gobble up more money from the collectors who will buy any shit with the Transformers logo on the package. This one isn't really that different from the "Leader" version of Prime, apart from being skinnier; he's just extremely unremarkable and doesn't have the memorable iconic simplicity of the classic 1980s version of the character.

Megatron (Voyager)

It looks like Megatron just got done fighting Mr. Freeze and got zapped with his freeze ray more than a few times. I don't know why this version is coated in ice, or why his hands have been replaced with tree roots, but I do know that this is one of the most retarded looking toys I've ever laid eyes on.

There's another series of bizarre "accessory" type Transformers called "Real Gear" that I don't think are actually in the movie in any way, shape, or form (at least, I hope they're not), but they've been released as a tie-in with the movie anyway.


Look out, Decepticons! Longview is here to spy on you, if some other person happens to be there to actually hold him up, and he's going to be witness to all your dirty laundry during his creepy, voyeuristic missions. Longview's greatest enemies are low-hanging tree branches and door frames everywhere.

Power Up VT6

Power Up VT6 takes on the insidious form of a handheld game system (he's trying to get at your kids!), and transforms into a robot that's lame enough that even Go-Bots make fun of him and throw rocks at him on a regular basis. It's not easy being Power Up VT6.

Booster x10

Booster x10 has a remarkable resemblance to Laserbeak, one of Soundwave's most utilized cassette tapes back in the day. His package sports the tagline "Download. Distribute. Destroy." Sadly, thanks to the iPod, no one will actually make use of this mp3 player, so he won't ever have a chance to infiltrate any place in his mp3 disguise.

Speed Dial 800

I don't even have any idea how this guy can see, because he has a giant tumor taking up two thirds of his head. Fortunately his secret weapon is the number pad on his chest. As he's fighting his enemies, they punch the numbers that end up calling his backup in to save his sorry ass.

Spyshot 6

Only marginally less lame than the old Decepticon triplets who turned into a camera, this guy is probably going to be the first to go down in any fight, on account of his having a gigantic target painted right in the middle of his body. I mean, what Decepticon worth their salt wouldn't aim right for the giant "kick me" sign splayed across his chest?

Zoom Out 25x

You know, a lot of these "Real Gear" robots have this whole spying theme going on, which makes me wonder... maybe they're hoping that children will use these toys as an excuse to spy on their neighbors WHO MAY BE TERRORISTS. In any event, this guy looks like he's been taken over by Star Trek's Borg. And he's got some crazy shoulder pads there... maybe they should have called him Linebacker.

Mister Potato Head Transformers: Optimash Prime

All I wanna know is how baked the creators were when they came up with this idea. This one isn't really a movie tie-in, but how could I not include it? Optimash Prime is a Taterformer, and since he clearly can't change into an alternate vehicle mode, what can he do to live up to his Transformers name? I'm glad you read that question I wrote (which is just as good as asking it, in my book), because I'll tell you. Optimash Prime transforms hope into despair, as a starving victim of a potato famine reaches out for one last desperate meal, only to find that this supposed potato is actually a plastic robot defending the Earth from other plastic robots. And, he comes with a moustache!

Optimus Prime Voice Changer Helmet

Then we have the Optimus Prime Voice Changer Helmet, which, unlike the Darth Vader Voice Changer Helmet, actually fits on the head of a grown man, so I guess what that really proves is that the Transformers division of Hasbro knows their fanbase better than the Star Wars division. If you are over the age of twelve and want to ensure that no female will ever speak to you again, you can put on this helmet and press a button to spout off random catchphrases that sound about as much like Optimus Prime as Darth Vader does. Alternately, you can speak for yourself and have your voice altered to what Prime might sound like if he was a chain smoker and he gargled a tasty little mixture of self-loathing, gravel, and pop rocks.

If you'd like to hear exactly what it sounds like, check out a video of it in action here.

Transformers Optimus Prime and Starscream
Converting Arm Blasters

Also, there are Optimus Prime and Starscream "converting arm blasters", so you can really feel like part of the action. You too can be just like Optimus Prime in the movie, during the climactic scene where he picks up the tiny superdeformed toy of himself, transforms it into a gun while making "CHK CHK CHK" noises, and then puts it over his hand and shoots a dart at Megatron. Or, if you prefer the side of evil, you can pretend you're Starscream firing the classic gun version of Megatron, even though it in no way resembles him or any gun at all really, but will still probably get some stupid child shot by a police officer.

Super Soaker Transformers Water Shooter

And finally, the Transformers Super Soaker, which really doesn't have anything at all to do with Transformers except for the Autobot symbol on the side. Maybe it transforms water into humiliation, because you can totally aim it at your friend's crotch and make him look like he completely pissed himself, which brings up some disturbing questions about why you're so fixated on your friend's crotch that you want to shoot little streams of water at it, but save that for your shrink's office, because I'm not getting paid to listen to your problems, and who the hell do you think you are anyway?

So there's a basic rundown of the new movie toys. You can see for yourself from these pictures that many of them look pretty crappy. And though some of them may only have a passing resemblance to their movie counterparts, I still feel that the character designs overall are far too cluttered and busy to be in any way easily recognizable like the classic versions were. I know there are those of you who disagree with me and think the new movie looks great, but since the Transformers are one of my favorite cartoons/toy lines from my childhood, I don't take kindly to seeing them butchered into something unrecognizable. Frankly I'd rather them not do a live-action movie at all if they're unable to stick to the source material.

I'd like to thank Seibertron.com for providing me with some of these pics. They're a great site for Transformers info, new and old, so check them out if you're a fan.

And finally, because it made me laugh out loud when I saw it in the latest issue of ToyFare magazine, I leave you with this Halloween costume that I sincerely hope I see somebody wearing this year.

My mom made me wear this. Kill me... PLEASE!

Questions or comments about this article?
Email Protoclown

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