-a rom hack of "Galaga" for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie

Beer is great, isn’t it? Sure it is. Why, I know countless friends and relatives that enjoy it as often as they possibly can. It’s hard to believe that beer, and indeed alcohol in general, could have any adverse side effects. One of such effects, however, is Beer-alaga (also known as Beer-aga, Galaga - The Beer Wars, and That Sucky Galaga Hack Involving Beer), an alcoholic’s attempt at rom hacking.

Oh sure, it may not look like the title has been altered to show the hops and barley-enhanced action, but if you look carefully, you’ll see that the little selector has been replaced with a tiny white bottle with a blue label. I’m not sure what brand of beer has a white bottle. Perhaps it’s a crappy home-brewed variety (not unlike the rom hack itself), and the author made this hack under the impression that it would help him promote his awful brew. Perhaps your ship is not a beer, but rather a Smirnov Ice that has declared war on inferior beverages. Whatever the case, that tiny little bottle is what you’ll be controlling, rolling left and right and shooting bottle caps as you careen down this weeklong bender of a hack.

To quote a song by Beck, “bottles and cans, so just clap your hands.” Instead of freaky space bugs, your main enemies are bottles and cans full of sudsy brown evilness. The two types of cans look to be those of Michelob and Budweiser. Of course, my knowledge of the finer beers is fleeting at best; so they could very well be any number of beers from around the world, from Red Dog to, let’s say Pabst Blue Ribbon. The tougher variety of foe comes in handy bottle form. It’s a pretty big bottle for beer, though. More of a moonshine jug than a beer bottle, really. Oh well, that’s a minor detail, and shouldn’t distract you from everything else this classy hack has to offer.

Uh oh. Don’t let that psychotic jug pour its ultra-potent, flashing blue, hillbilly-crafted contents on you. Otherwise, you’ll be demoted from “trendy ice” to “no-frills, supermarket beer,” and have to fight along side the enemy as a boring, red-labeled bottle. Of course, you can liberate your former incarnation by “capping” the bottle that got him. Ha, get it? Capping? See, because you shoot caps instead of… Nevermind.

In keeping with the pattern established thus far, the medals you would receive for passing a stage and not dying have been replaced with cans labeled “Bud.” Wow, those new Budweiser cans are so chic! They may appear to be solid red, but upon closer inspection, one can see that each can is actually a tiny magic-eye puzzle! Look, a schooner! Such quality and attention to detail!

One of the low-level beer cans has broken itself into several of those little bottles of alcohol served in hotel minibars. Don’t shoot them, or your room service bill will skyrocket! Truly, the forces of liquor have pulled out all the stops, sending their children into battle. Fools! There can be only one! Eat red-hot bottle caps!!!

Yes, friends, this hack is pure garbage. Hell, the author doesn’t even take the time to change the title screen so that it reflects the name of the hack. It’s not like it’s that hard to do. No harder than hacking a rom, anyway. I suppose seeing a hack about something other than penises, blood, and racism is a welcome change, but come on. After playing this, I could use a drink. You can download the hack, but I need some hard liquor to drown out the pain.