The average rom hacker doesn't have very high morals, it seems . Or standards. Or brain capacity. Nevertheless, some rom hacks just stick out because they manage to hit absolute rock bottom even in this seedy line of business. I'm not talking about that all-rounder
Ass Climber here, but about two other gall stones that were previously passed on this site:
Super KKK Bros. and
Super KKK Bros. 2. To me, these hacks were plain tasteless, lousy, and sad. But to the black community, these binary atrocities were a slap in the face.
It wasn't long before people were crying out for an appropriate response. There was only one way to settle this, and that was by taking on Super KKK Bros. at its own level. Thus, a hacker by the name of Norway took it upon himself to strengthen the hearts of young African-Americans all around the world (but, mainly in America) with a hack that would allow them to fight racism as proud black warriors. Blackman 2, sequel to a non-existent prequel, was born.
And when I say "taking on Super KKK Bros. at its own level", I mean on its own level. With equally crudely drawn sprites, mild "shock" references, and tactless jokes. Though the storyline that appears if you wait at the title screen was unchanged, I found as I played this game that your mission is to save a group of young black children, kidnapped by the Klan. Alright, let's go for it.
Behold your Nubian soldiers. It must've taken Toad ages to grow that fro. Contrasting that, Mario has lost his hair to sport a more "Samuel L. Jackson" look. It's too bad that Luigi couldn't be bothered to put out his joint, which would have killed the pot-smoking stereotype. What's even more mind boggling is that in the original game, Luigi's "idle" sprite wasn't animated. So how come it is now? Don't ask me, ask Norway. The select screen loudly asked me to "please kill whitey". Oh Lord help me, I'll try.
We start our journey into Klan territory in a disturbing grassland, where small crosses burn with anticipation to be plucked from the ground. In the distance, previous Klan victims hang from abnormally high trees. RAGE! Luckily, a group of nearby Klansmen allowed me to unleash the fury. And the hacker provided us with a rich array of weaponry.
The most common things to be pulled from the ground are sparkling crosses, and the bleeding heads of your enemies with the spines still attached. They must've come across Sub-Zero. Another head with its tongue lolling out can be used to slide across the ground and bowl your enemies into submission. The "kandy apple" bomb blows up walls. In the later stages, you'll be able to pull various unfamiliar faces from the ground, plus screaming white children. I guess this is payback for the black babies you could hurl at foes in Super KKK Bros. 2. Finally, the powerful Klan bomb delivers your opponents to their maker with a big POW.
Or rather, a big "PHAT".
But of course, our hacker is only human, and we couldn't expect him to not slip in at least one reference to genitalia. Which is why you come across dozens of "deez nutz". It's too bad that not more effort was poured into making them look like testicles. I mean, they still look like cherries to me. Unless there's something seriously wrong with my package.
Standard Klan Trooper
Time to take a look at the more interesting opponents you come by. The bulk of the Klan's forces are made up of the Standard Klan Trooper. These halfwits were deemed too thick to serve of any use, thus they were given unloaded guns. Their limited intelligence causes them to walk back and forth and not be a very effective security force at all. They only should be reckoned with when mounting the "KKK Kar", a devious device that allows them to open fire. Their relentless desire to destroy everything that reminds these honkeys of what losers they really are is further displayed in the fact that this weapon fires aborted Klan babies at you. The horror. The horror.
The Sky Albino is a shunned member of society that harbors a deep-seeded hatred for the sun, that scalds him, and all forms of human life. For as we
know, albino's are essentially evil. From his standard issue flying carpet, he taunts you with racial slurs. The Sky Albino's greatest weakness is that he has no way to defend himself once you get on his carpet. Poor Albino.
Once a standard Klan trooper figures out which end of his gun is the front, he is given ammunition, thus becoming a Klan Gunner. These fiends fire buck shots at you, which are extremely hard to avoid in the dark. This makes them some of the Klan's most effective soldiers.
Riverdance Klan Knight
"Lord of the Dance" Michael Flatley isn't specifically a racist, but I'm pretty sure his dancing offends practically everyone. The Klan must have shared that opinion, because they ordered some of their minions to practice Irish
folk dancing. In time, their training awarded these Klan Knights the power to spit hail. The Riverdance Klan Knight is a fast and elusive warrior, who is prone to hide in the sand or vases before assailing his bronze-skinned foes. Or maybe they just want to avoid being seen by their chums.
Klan Buzzsaw Fiend
In their ongoing efforts to keep their breeding "pure" (in other words: in the family), the Klan has produced many deformed children. As these grew up, they proved incapable of making effective gunners. Instead, they were given chainsaws to wildly flay their enemies with. Their unpredictable fits of
rage make it impossible to leap on and grab Klan Buzzsaw Fiends, since they will try to hit you with their saws. Instead, they should be knocked out from a distance, or with bombs.
As the KKK Kar previously demonstrated, even children aren't safe from the Klan's relentless recruitment programs. Once they become old enough to be plucked from the ground, they are given plastic guns to practice and are sent after the black invaders. They are fast on foot, but like their parents, not very clever. They can be easily lured off ledges.
Dancing Klan Baby / Squigly Fish
The Klan must've deemed it a good idea to put that goddamned dancing baby from "Ally McBeal" to use, since their breeding policy had produced many a flipper baby. Taught to dance and leap up from the water to snap at the ebony heels of their foes, they don't seem that effective. Not much of a worthy replacement for the original game's
Squigly fish. We hate you, Dancing Klan Baby! We hope you drown!
Finishing off the Klan's endless cannon fodder, I came to face off with the guardian of the gate to the next stage: the mighty Caucasarus Tex. During DNA experiments for the construction of a dinosaur amusement park in Texas, this bisexual thunderlizard managed to escape. The Klan managed to capture it and force it into submission. I managed to ignore its pleas to fertilize its eggs, and made my way over to the gate.
This part had me stumped for a moment. Was it wise for me, as a proud black warrior, to just step into the gaping maw of the White Devil? Tossing it around for a while, I decided there was no alternative. I took it as a symbol for me venturing into the heart of Klan territory, and if not, I hoped I would give it some serious heartburn.
As always, between levels there's the opportunity to do some gambling. The symbols on the slot machine had been changed appropriately: a burning cross, "deez nutz", a peace symbol, and a Klan Gunner. Stocked with extra lives and seething hatred for the honkeys, I pushed through the first world to shake hands with whatever the level boss would be.
My enemy was tossing bombs faster than a shitty pixelated Ted Kaczinsky. Sporting a baseball cap, a mullet, and buck teeth, Cletus was utterly possessed with a rage to end my presence so he could go back to his trailer and catch the end of Cops. Ugly or no, I delivered his bombs back to him and won the battle.
From the grassland I went into a desert, where of course most Klansmen go. I fought proudly
to take out the crazy rednecks, but nothing could prepare me for my next encounter.
Grand Wizard Mario
Sure, he was a little taller, but I'd recognize that moustache anywhere. It was Mario from Super KKK Bros. 2, firing at me with not one but two bazookas at the same time. How fitting that I would have to dish it out with this racist icon. I destroyed him and his intolerant views to prove my black supremacy, and went on my merry way.
I was beginning to get a little suspicious of the realism in this hack. I mean, KKK in the grassland, alright. KKK in the desert, OK. But KKK on the North Pole? I didn't think they're still big enough to stretch that far. Then again, beating down the handful of timid sheetheads that make up the KKK today probably wouldn't have made for a very eventful hack. Realism be damned! Let's meet the next boss.
Amazing, isn't it? Our hacker actually managed to beat the negative effort that the creators of Super KKK Bros. 2 poured into the creation of their "black Fryguy". We're to do battle with this floating fire of "h8". Killing it with kindness didn't seem to do much, so I applied some old-fashioned violence and made my way to the next world. Another grassland further, I met with - what I thought was - an endearing sight.
Clawgrip from Super Mario Bros. 2 seemed to have turned from power-mad destroyer to benovelent mega-crab. He was tending to a pile of beautiful black babies and hugging them one by one. But then I approached...
...and he started tossing the defenseless babies at me. I could do nothing, other than grab the babies and toss them back at Clawgrip. He left in a hurry, but I felt only grief for the many babies I failed to save. Fed with Nubian fury, I rushed ahead through the last world and sought out the core of evil.
At last! The white heart of darkness! I found my way into the depths of the KKK fortress, where the big boss resided. His throne room was adorned with the heads of innocent black men, which further fueled my black rage. His propaganda pump was rapidly sending thoughts of ignorance into the minds of white youth everywhere. It had to be destroyed. I had to destroy him...
Him, the Grand Dragon Knight Wizard Paladin King Bastard Level 7. In short, the MAN. You know how people are always talking about how the MAN keeps them down? This is him. Not the Man in the phrase "you the MAN!", though. That's a different Man. This guy pulls all the strings in the KKK, deploys troops, and organizes the meetings where the Klanmembers shout obscenities at civilians from 100 feet away while being protected by police. Taking his skin color into consideration, I'd say he's also an alien, trying to play out mankind's petty differences to cleanse the world for the coming of his race. That monster! He was going DOWN.
And so, I made him choke on his own propaganda and went to free the flying children from their prison. No doubt he had unthinkably vile and villainous plans for them. The black children held a parade for me and my name found its way into many a youth's freestyle. I was a hero in Harlem, got my own memorial day, and was invited to be on Oprah. It was then that I realized I hadn't entirely made true to my promise to "kill whiteys" yet. There was one more whitey I'd forgotten about. A promise is a promise, so I wrote a suicide letter blaming Marilyn Manson on video games, and put a gun to my head...
Wombasa (slave name: FatSatan)
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