-four "bloody" rom hacks for the NES-
review by: Dr. Boogie

Halloween is a time when we can all revel with the evil of countless millennia by donning our costumes and delivering to our friends and neighbors that infamous ultimatum, “trick or treat.” Since the season has put me in a generous mood, I’m going to give you both. I’m about to treat you to a brand new rom hack.

And therein lays the trick. Instead of getting a single beer-drugs-penis rom hack, I’ll be showing off four, count ‘em, FOUR hacks that’ll get you into the Halloween spirit by showing you the horrible blackness that infects the soul of every rom hacker, and the twisted, broken remnants that lie in the wake of the twisted creatures whose corrupting touch strangles away joy and happiness and leaves only hatred and bitter regret.

These four hacks all have something in common, aside from depravity: they all have “bloody” in the title. And so, without further ado, I present the first offering: Bloody City.

Holy crap, what happened to your eyes? You guys need to start blinking more often. Then again, I suppose you can’t help but keep your eyes wide open ‘til they get all bloodshot on account of the “slay.” And it’s for one or two people? Incredible! I can hardly wait to see what kind of bloody carnage awaits me…

Whoa, cool! Their heads are all bloody, and their eyeballs are just as dried out as our heroes’. Could this game get any better? I submit that it cannot.

Gee whiz! The author has replaced the old white type with a blood red font complete with crappy little embellishments. This may very well be the height of coolness. Then again, there’s an equally likely chance that this is total bilge, and that the author should be beaten to death with his own arms. In any case, take one last look at the most horrifying sight in the hack:

Criminy, his face is melting off like the Nazi from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark! Jesus, the author is a real sick bastard.

Oh god, it’s trying to talk. Somebody kill it! Kill it with fire!!! Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

But I’m going to hold it in, because right now, it’s time for the next in line: Bloody Dagger Bros.

Now that’s innovation. The author has transformed boring old Mario into a tangled mass of red lines, not entirely unlike a fire hydrant with peeling paint. Then again, maybe it’s some sort of strange dagger. A bloody one, of course. And when you grab one of the unaltered mushrooms…

As you can see, the author has decked out Mario in some kind of red ghillie suit. I guess Mario needs the suit so that he can sneak up on people and bloody his dagger. You know, come to think of it, I haven’t seen any sign of a dagger, bloody or otherwise, in this whole hack. Unless you count the ensanguined midget from earlier.

Ah, there we go. The only daggers in the whole game are thrown by Mario, who in this case looks like he had a gallon of *bzzzt* mayonnaise *bzzzt* poured on his head (Editor’s note: the preceding joke has been edited for sexually explicit language). Sure, they aren’t bloody daggers, per se, but what do you expect? The author was probably too upset when he saw just how ugly he made the original game to think of knives or daggers. Take a look:

Gorgeous. Just Gorgeous. NEXT!!!

Welcome to Bloody Ax Bros. As you can see, a bloody ax. Just so we’re clear on this. Oh sure, I know what you’re thinking: that is the shittiest bloody ax I’ve ever seen. Hey, it’s probably just a little worn from all that chopping. I mean, just look at how much blood is on it! Wowie!!

In order to become a larger bloody ax, you have to grab a clean, well-maintained ax. Oh, the irony. Still, it’s worth it to go against the game’s title and credo. Just look at the result:

Oh yeah, shake it baby! It’s a larger, crappier looking ax, but on the other hand, it does have two heads. Of course, the two heads are vibrating as though it were some kind of electric ax, but there’s still two of ‘em. That’s got to count for something.

This, though, this is just disappointing. The ultimate incarnation of the bloody axe is just a crummy mother-of-pearl ax that shoots smaller, CLEAN axes. What a gyp. A couple red pixels. That’s all I’m asking for when my big ax throws a bunch of little axes. Is that really so much to ask?

Moreover, look at what you have to pick up to get to that huge let-down:

What the hell? A flashing orange? What does that have to do with anything? Nothing, that’s what.

And just look at these mutants. The one on the left still looks enough like a Goomba, but the thing on the right… that was supposed to be a Koopa Troopa. Now, it’s some kind of walking bicycle pump. Well, thank god the author gave up after only two revisions.

Ugh, what a stinker. It’ll be hard to top that one. Let’s take a look at our final hack: Bloody Kong.

Yep, that’s him alright. Note how badly his gums are bleeding. And those bloodshot eyes… that monkey has a drug problem.

Take a good look, folks. This is the rest of the hack: A slightly bloodier ape, and the hero wearing a special suit. No bloody insects, no blood-spraying gun, no nuthin’. Well, less work for me, I guess. Such a waste.

Boy, that sure was bloody! What a great way to get an early start on Halloween. I’d like to personally thank the rom hack authors out there for putting forth the minimum amount of effort, and turning out these four shitpiles. Next Halloween, I’ll bring you all the many Castlevania hacks that have made the game both hideous to behold, and utterly unplayable. Until then, have a spooky Halloween, and remember: when dressed as a ghost, say “boo” with enthusiasm. Boo like you’ve just spotted a rom hacker on the street. And then disembowel that same person. On principle, of course.